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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Urban Meyer’s Open Letter to Ohio State Fans

Dear Ohio State fans,

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Urban Meyer, head coach, former ESPN personality, family man. And I’m here to rock your world. My style of football will make you forget the last year faster than you can say “Terrelle’s Tattoos.” You have been through a lot in the last 12 months, and I want to assure you I’m ready to restore glory to the Nut House. I’m sure the post-traumatic stress is still in full effect- I know when I heard about all the shenanigans that went down on Tressel’s watch, I was more surprised than my family when I took this job an 82 year-old trying Pop Rocks for the first time.

But that’s beside the point. I just need you to know that I’m the right man for this job. Sometimes you may feel like questioning my decision making. Sometimes you may say to yourselves, “Hey Urban, that’s your third heart attack this week, maybe you should take it easy.” I implore you to keep your mouths shut. I’m URBAN MEYER. When I’m in the football zone, you do not want to get in the way.

Need I remind you of my past exploits? I shepherded Tim Tebow. I coached Percy Harvin before he was made of glass. I made Mormon athletes relevant. I’ve won as many national titles as Joe Paterno in one fifth of the time. It may sound crazier than playing a guitar with a spoon, but this will work. (If it doesn’t I’m off to the Denver Broncos.) I need you to get familiar with a few terms and phrases if you truly want to support your team in the coming years:

1.  The Jump Pass

2.  The windbreaker jacket (it’s no sweater-vest, but you’ll learn to love it)

3.  Defibrillator (study up, you never know when I’ll need a jolt)

4.  Family always comes first (except during the pre-season… and the regular season… and the bowl season… and recruiting season)

I just need to know that Buckeye Nation is hungry to restore the winning tradition. Like, really hungry.  If you are, I can promise we’ll share a history more impressive than any Greg Oden cell phone picture.

Go Bucks,

Urban

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