Urban Meyer Assures Teams He’s Unhealthy Enough To Return To Coaching

COLUMBUS — The speculation of whether or not Urban Meyer will return to coaching can finally be laid to rest.

Urban Meyer has assured teams that he is unhealthy enough to return to coaching, and eventually quit at the first sign of something going wrong.

“I’m excited to start a new coaching venture,” Meyer said. “…for a couple of years before I inexplicably quit for ‘health reasons.’”

Meyer assured reporters that his heart is unhealthy enough to cause more problems within the next few years, depending on how things go.

When asked if he will miss spending time with his family, Meyer replied, “Who?”

The drama queen then added, “Oh, my family. Right. All this time I haven’t spent with them while working as an analyst has been taxing on them, I’m sure. But at least soon I will be back to coaching and will get to spend even less time with them.

“To me there’s nothing more important than family,” Meyer said. “Except for coaching, recruiting, TV work, public appearances, getting my car washed, filming commercials, covering up domestic assault cases… You know, the usual stuff.”

It is still unknown which coaching route Urban Meyer will pursue next, college or the pros. He could potentially take a college job for a few years, win a national championship or two, and then bounce out like he’s dodging NCAA allegations or something, or he could take a job with the Redskins, fail to produce a winning record for a couple of seasons, fake a heart attack, and resign before Dan Snyder can fire him.

Another route Meyer could go is voluntarily serve as a flag football coach in a Florida state penitentiary, considering most of the players he coached at Florida are currently on that team.

“Ever since I was a kid, it has been my dream to one day coach the next team I’m going to coach,” Meyer said as if he was rehearsing a pre-planned speech. When asked what team that may be, Meyer replied, “Oh, I have no idea. But it’s been a lifelong dream of mine.”