A List Of Fast Food Items Most Likely To Make You Do “The Tony Trot” To The Nearest Restroom
Let’s not get it twisted here. While it may look like White Sox manager Tony La Russa was running out of the dugout to get in the mix after first baseman José Abreu was drilled in the head with an unintentional fastball, I can see right through this mild-mannered sprint by the 76-year-old skipper.
That’s the stride of a man who is mere moments away from pooping his pants.
We’ve all been there, and there’s no fear that comes close to comparing to it. It’ll send a chill down even the toughest man (or woman’s) spine, and will prompt some quick thinking and resourcefulness. Tony’s showing all the telltale signs:
The pale face, sweaty palms, inability to move/speak properly, yelling in a setting that doesn’t require that loud of a voice, and getting extremely close to the catcher’s face when speaking to him…
Tony either desperately has to relieve himself, or he’s under the influence of some impairing substance (and we’re not talking spider-tack, folks). However, I’m sure there’s no incident(s) in his past that would have us believe the latter *wink wink*, so it got me thinking…
What are the worst menu items introduced throughout the years by fast-food chains that are sure to make you terribly sick and lead to what many are now calling “The Tony Trot”?
The “Chizza” (KFC)
Ingredients: chicken, ham, pineapple, tomato sauce, cheese sauce, mozzarella.
This is one of the most repulsive things I’ve ever seen. At it’s best, it’s a terrible idea – at it’s worst, it’s this (a horrific idea). Perhaps the most despicable part is still the pineapple for me. People who put pineapple on pizza deserve the death penalty, and I guess this also applies on a “chizza”, but it’s just so otherworldly confusing. I’m also 99% sure that’s a piece of bologna in the picture on the right, which shockingly gives me no more peace than the single, thick-cut slice of ham does.
Onion Nuggets (McDonald’s)
Ingredients: literally just onions and month-old frying grease
I mean, did they even know onion rings existed? If you handed me one of these and I assumed it was a nice chicken nugget (because why would I have any reason to think otherwise) I would promptly beat you to within an inch of your life. This image just looks stale, and seeing the whole onion posted up against the box like a sidekick in a superhero movie makes me nearly gag.
“The School Lunch Smoothie” (Every Middle School in America)
Ingredients: More limitless than Bradley Cooper in Limitless
This was always the negative outcome proposed in any bet that was placed at the lunch table in middle school. I distinctly remember heated competitions would take place to determine who could make the most grotesque concoction, and the loser would have to drink the beverage entirely. In the picture above, I think the glass cup would make it so much worse. We would just tear the milk container completely open, and thank God it wasn’t see-through because the mental aspect was crucial in digesting these abominations if you were so unfortunate.
– Writer’s note: I’m about to make @Instagram drink one of these if they don’t hurry up and #FreeKorkedBats. Clock’s ticking guys, I know my middle school pals would love to get together one more time just to construct a nice tall glass of horror for whoever won’t give us our account back.
(*Credit to Ask.com, Eat This-Not That, and Ranker.com, for finding/compiling some of these absolute monstrosities.*)
