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This Ain’t Yo Daddy’s Purple Drank

Yesterday, former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested for stealing money from the Raiders for the past two seasons possession of purple drank. Now before you get all up in arms about the fact that someone got arrested for purple drink, keep in mind that it was JaMarcus Russell, so there must be something wrong with it.

For all you suburbanite dwellers that claim to be living the “thug life” while reading this on your iPad, purple drank isn’t just purple Kool-Aid. So next time you rap along with Lil’ Wayne in your daddy’s Escolade through the Country Club parking lot singing, “Keep a bandanna like the Ninja Turtles, I’m like a turtle, when I sip the purple.” The purple he’s sipping on isn’t a grape flavored Mondo.

Purple drank’s main ingredient isn’t flavored sugar or Pixy Stix’s stuff. Purple drank is a mixed beverage with it’s main ingredient being prescription-strength cough syrup containing codeine and promethazine.

So in his defense, JaMarcus probably had a cough and just wanted to take his cough syrup in a more creative way. Kind of like Flintstones Vitamins. (Let’s be honest, we never would have taken our vitamins had they not had Fred or Barney shaped chewable pills.) Unfortunately for him, cough syrup doesn’t clear up symptoms such as:

  • Losing football games
  • Not being able to complete passes
  • Completing more passes to the other team than your own
  • Being fat
  • Really ugly sweatshirts
  • Playing for Al Davis
  • Being a huge NFL Draft bust (Sorry, Ryan)

The cough syrup is usually mixed with 7-Up or Sprite and also Jolly Ranchers candy. The dye from the cough syrup is what gives the drink (or drank) the purple color. Other names for the drink/drank are lean, syrup, barre, purple jelly, Texas tea, and my personal favorite, sip-sip.

Oh man, I’ll tell you one thing, there ain’t nothing better on a warm summer day than to just sit back on your front porch with a nice tall glass of sip-sip. It’s great to just sip-sip on your sip-sip after getting cut from my one (and probably only) professional football quarterback gig. Right, JaMarcus? It really helps relieve all the stresses that a 24-year-old such as yourself probably has.

This probably isn't a guy you should be hanging out with, J-Russ.

JaMarcus Russell is as bad at football as M. Night Shyamalan is at making good movies. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at the stats, every movie of his has sucked since The Sixth Sense… Oh, don’t believe me about JaMarcus? Then let’s take a look at his stats too. He won seven of 25 starts in the NFL. He completed 52% of his passes with 18 touchdowns and 23 interceptions. He had 15 fumbles lost and had a 65.2 passer rating. This guy makes Matt Leinart look like Jake Plummer.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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