Things Patrick Mahomes Can Buy With His $503 Million Contract

July 8, 2020July 8, 2020 Austin

Patrick Mahomes is rich.

At least he is as of this week. He’s the first player in professional sports to sign a contract that can not only exceed the half-billion mark, but also includes guarantee mechanisms. I’m not exactly sure what a guarantee mechanism is, but it sounds sexy as hell. Kudos to Pat’s agent for making up things to add into the contract. Hopefully he includes a bonus regulator and a partisan clause extractor to his next contract.

Anyway, now that Pat Mahomes has all this money, he can buy stuff. What exactly? Glad I hypothetically asked for you, because I came up with a list of things that are now affordable for Pat. In fact, and this may come as a shock, but $503 million can buy you A LOT. Let’s look.

Chicago’s John Hancock Tower

Cost: $256 million (last sold in 2013)

Poor Chicagoans are constantly reminded of passing on Pat Mahomes in the draft for a guy who can’t pass (Mitchell Trubisky), and if Pat bought the second tallest building in Chicago (and renamed it the MaHancock tower), they would only be remind of that fact every day.

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**Literally One Million Cameo Messages From Famed Actor Billy Zane**

Cost: $500 per video

One Cameo message from Billy Zane isn’t cool. You wanna know what’s cool? One MILLION Cameo messages from Billy Zane.

Think about it. You could have Billy Zane read all seven Harry Potter books to you, sing you lullaby’s as you fall asleep every night until you’re 90, or have him recite all of his lines from Back To The Future which will probably just result in one million videos of him saying nothing while pounding his fist into his fingerless-gloved-hands.

Sure, it may not be the most responsible use of a half-billion dollars, but who wouldn’t want a message from Cal Hockley from Titanic, Billy Zane from Zoolander, or The Phantom from The Phantom?

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His Own Theme Park

Cost: $150 million

Fellow Kansas Citian Walt Disney built Disneyland for $17 million in 1955. When you adjust that for inflation, that would equate to $150 million today. Meaning, Pat Mahomes could build three of his own amusement parks. I’m thinking something like Mahomes Magic Kingdom, Cedar Pat, and maybe (Another) Six Points Over Texans. Or heck, maybe he can just rename it to Wor1d5 of Fun.

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A Military Drone

Cost: “hundreds of millions of dollars”

Forget just ordering stuff on Amazon Prime with hopes that it gets delivered via one of their drones. Cut out the middle man – and fellow rich guy Jeff Bezos – and just buy your own military grade drone. Now, I couldn’t find an exact price for military drones, and I’m pretty sure my computer is currently being monitored by the CIA now, but I did learn they cost hundreds of millions of dollars, which tells me they can’t be more than a half bill.

Football talking heads always say the Chiefs have the best air attack in football. Well, what if they had an actual air attack. Talk about drone field advantage.

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The Naming Rights of Arrowhead Stadium

Cost: $425 million

Sure, Arrowhead Stadium is as old as the dirt it sits on, but let’s be honest, it’s the house that Patrick Mahomes built. And not that you’d ever want to rename Arrowhead, all I’m saying is it’s something Pat Mahomes COULD do. Now that he’s got all this money, the Chiefs offense is no longer the only place Pat Mahomes can do whatever he wants. The most expensive stadium naming rights sold to this point was MetLife purchasing the rights to the Meadowlands for $425 mil. So Pat could have enough money left to rename those massive Arrowhead parking lots too. “Where’d we park again?” I think we’re in between lots M, V, and P.

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Myspace.com

Cost: honestly can’t be more than like 12 bucks, right?

Remember MySpace? It was the Friendster of Facebooks. It’s actually, surprisingly enough, still a live website. This means it’s the perfect opportunity for Pat to buy and rebrand to Myhomespace.com.

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Tom from Myspace

Cost: unknown

I don’t know how much the going rate for hanging out with Tom from Myspace is, but I can’t imagine it’s that much any more. Hell at this point, Tom may pay you to hang out.

But if Tom does have a rate, my question is: does he offer a friends and family discount for anyone who was ever on Myspace? Because technically…

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A Garage Full of 147 Bugatti Veyrons

Cost: $3.4 million per Bugatti

A Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive car on the planet. Pat Mahomes would be able to buy 147 of them. Why would he need that many? I don’t know. Ask Jay Leno. And while you’re at it, ask him why he needs that much denim too.

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