There Are Reports That North Korea May Weaponize Dolphins And I Gotta Tip My Cap On That One

The hermit kingdom appears to be training dolphins as part of its naval force, according to satellite images obtained by the non-profit United States Naval Institute.

The images show animal pens floating in murky waters, between a shipyard and a coal loading dock, with warships based nearby, the USNI said.

It appears that the North Korean program dates back to at least October 2015, according to the photos.

Another base further up the river on the edge of town seems to be where the dolphins are being bred, the report said.

The US Navy pioneered the use of marine mammals, including dolphins and sea lions, for military purposes — such as spotting mines and locating enemy swimmers.

To date, only the Russian Navy, with bases in the Arctic and Black Sea, had followed suit.

It’s possible the marine mammal pens spotted in North Korea are some type of fish farm, many of which are run by the kingdom’s armed forces.

However, the enclosures seen in the satellite images aren’t consistent with others fish farms in the nation, the USNI found.

via New York Post

Ok, this seems unfair. Turning one of the smartest (and cutest!) animals on the planet into a military grade weapon? That’s got to be against rules of engagement. Can any of my military friends help me out here? Isn’t this against the rules of war and/or PETA?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s brilliant. Breeding the cutest little porpoises into glorified torpedoes is a fantastic idea. Enemies will never see it coming. They’ll see dolphins jumping in the water or coming close to their boat, and they’ll want to pet them. Then BOOM! Right in their face.

Imagine this going down in real life, but the dolphin is weaponized.

Then it’s only a matter of time before the North Koreans weaponize Elijah Wood. And then they’ll somehow weaponize Del Amitri’s “The Right Time,” which is still a banger.

Then again, the propaganda posters for a navy with missile dolphins could all be drawn up by Lisa Frank.

Which I have to admit would be a win-win for everyone.

Look, I hope these reports aren’t true, because I don’t know how you combat against dolphins. I’ve seen that Hayden Panettiere documentary about the mass murdering of dolphins, and it is highly frowned upon. All I can hope is America can find a way. A way to either combat it or to one-up it. Like weaponizing bunnies or something. That would be cute.