The Ultimate Women Sports
Let’s face it, basketball is essentially a game with the goal of a ball through a hoop. If you can get the ball through the hoop, we’ll give your team points. We’ll even give you more points if you throw the ball from farther away. It’s a multi-million dollar industry, this ball throwing game. Well, there are a few things I’d like to offer up for consideration when it comes to possible ladies sports- things that are difficult, things we do well, things I think we should get points for.
1. Nail clipping. I will pay $40 for a pedicure and manicure (which is absolute ridiculousness, I know), thus it is my goal to go as long as possible without chipping them. You might not be convinced yet, but imagine all the difficult challenges I face in a day! Moving large boxes, carrying children, even buttoning my jeans sometimes can be a threat to the OPI “O M Bieber” color I’m currently wearing. 50 points for each day. And extra 10 points if I have to haul cement blocks at any point during that time.
2. Money-saving. I can use gift card, coupons and Groupon like a beast, y’all! Frankly, I’d like an award. I got my dinner at Pei Wei for 20% off. I got a family of five into Disney World for free. I’m staying in downtown Chicago in eight days for 40% under the current hotel rate. Now, that is a talent I’d like to watch more of because it’s absolutely mind blowing! A Land Rover that you bought for the price of a Kia? I salute you. A point for every dollar you save.
3. Wearing heels. Do you guys understand that wearing heels is not a pleasant situation? I know you may have wandered across the Bravo network and saw a commercial where girls just have to put a Dr. Scholls pad in their heels and -voila! Like walking on a cloud! NO. That’s not how it works. If you see a woman in heels, know she is in the midst of her own marathon. Walking up stairs, trying to make it down another 4 inches to the toilet, just standing up for a stretch of time deserves a commentator and a countdown clock. Beyonce dances in heels! Like bootylicious dancing! Someone needs to give that girl all the gold on the planet just for being able to do that. Any woman knows we are always just one pair of heels away from double broken ankles. 25 point for every hour you don’t take the heels off. An extra 10 for difficulties like stair climbing, hiking, rigorous dancing, outrunning a serial killer.
4. Getting your boyfriend to watch the Bachelor. Try it. He will refuse and with good reason because The Bachelor can fairly be labeled as useless mind garbage. But if you can Convince your boyfriend to do anything that he immediately considers a threat to his masculinity, congratulate yourself. Rounds of this sport might include- getting your boyfriend to hold your other dresses while you’re in the dressing room with 15 other things, getting your boyfriend to agree to go to a Nicki Minaj concert, getting your boyfriend to get pedicures with you ($40 for the two of you…), getting your boyfriend to discuss with you whether or Ronnie and Sammi from the Jersey Shore are, like, perfect or whatever. 10 points every time your boyfriend sits down to enjoy an episode of The Bachelor without even trying to dissuade you with episodes of Hoarders on Netflix.
So just be on the lookout because the next time you’re watching ESPN and a shot of women with french manicures building houses comes on, you’ll know I’ll have succeeded in writing this post. And I’ll be receiving one hundred million points for doing so.
Game on.