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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Top 5 Cringiest Guys From ‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere

Well, we’re back with another season of The Bachelorette. I’d say hopefully we can make it through a full season with only one Bachelorette this time, but we already know we’re getting back-to-back Bachelorette seasons (with a Bachelor In Paradise season in between). So who knows how this summer is going to go. All I know is we’re about to get 9 straight months of Bachelor content – which means I’m about to get hella busy since I recap every episode (except for the first episode of every season). The reason I always skip the first episode is because every first episode is the exact same:

  • The Bachelor or Bachelorette saying something like, “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m here. And even more so, I can’t believe I’m about to meet my future husband/wife tonight.”
  • Meeting the contestants, getting a glimpse into their lives, and learning that most of them are extremely awkward on camera.

and

  • Guys or girls always getting out of the limo trying to do something that makes them stand out. Which is exactly the reason for this blog.

Here are the top 5 cringiest dudes from the season premiere of Katie’s season of The Bachelorette.

HONORABLE MENTION: The guy who gave Katie his little league baseball glove

I’m anti taking your glove to MLB games, so you better believe I’m anti taking your glove onto a reality TV dating show. You think this will impress her? Literally, every boy ever played at least one year of little league baseball. And plus, what is she going to do with your old leathery glove? It’s just a weird thing to bring with you for a first impression.

5. Guy who made truck bed into a ball pit & only made ball puns

When I said my man made a lot of ball puns, I mean I’m pretty sure my man only spoke in ball puns. And look, you can be known as a lot of things on this show, but you DO NOT want to be known as “Ball Guy.” That’s a tough look to come back from. Plus, isn’t the ball pit the absolute grossest part of a McDonald’s PlayPlace?

4. Gatsby in a box

Honestly, I kinda wish most of these guys spent 3/4ths of the episode in a box. But instead it was Jay Gatsby. Which, to his credit, he doesn’t seem like that bad of a guy. I just hate the schticks on this show – especially on the first episode. Call me old fashioned, but just throw on your best suit and try to charm the ol’ lassie. Ok, yeah. Pretty sure that last sentence aged me 45 years just by typing it. But you get what I mean, right? The show has gotten so silly and extreme that now you’d stand out if you DIDN’T have some sort of gimmick. So instead of spending the entire night in a box, maybe don’t?

3. Blow up doll guy

This guy. Man. He pulls the ol’ rope-a-dope saying there was someone special in his life who got him through the last year. Someone who was a shoulder to cry on and someone who would listen and comfort him when he was down. I knew he wasn’t talking about an actual girl, but I’ll admit, I thought he was going to bring out a dog. Try and win Katie over with a little K-9 jelly, if ya know what I mean. But instead, he brought out a blow-up doll. And not even a pretty one. I’m talking fresh out of the prop closet from Old School. What made this even cringier is that he had to walk around with the doll the rest of the night. Tough look, my man.

2. Celery-eating RV guy

What’s a way to make up for being from Jersey City, New Jersey? Oh, I know! How about driving your dirty-ass R.V. to California, not cleaning it up, and bringing Katie on board. And then eating celery while she talks to you. Gah, my man thought he was being slick Rick, when in reality he came across as more greasy than an oil slick. Like that’s what you’re going with as your most impressive first impression?! “Not to brag, but I live in a motorhome.” No woman wants to get with a guy who has to get an emissions test on his apartment every year.

I doubt Katie would even want to watch R.V., let alone go on one with a dude she just met. By the way, RIP in peace Robin Williams.

1. Cat costume guy playing the floor keyboard from BIG

As a Nashville native, I admittedly still get excited whenever I see a contestant from Nashville. Even though 9 out of 10 of them are Nashville transplants to further their music career and/or dog food jingle writing career. But this guy appeared to be the only person from Nashville on this season. In his pre-show package, he appeared like a genuinely nice guy. He’s a teacher, he’s pursuing a career in music (of course), and he was a good-looking dude. But then… when he hopped out of the limo… he was dressed in a cat costume. And look, 2021, I get it. Maybe he’s a regular at fury conventions. Who am I to judge? But is this REALLY the play here? With 5 million people watching, you really want to show up looking like Felix the Cat? And then to make things even wilder, he busted out the keyboard from BIG to play with Katie.

Part of me wondered if I somehow took acid because I couldn’t keep up with this guy pulling every move out of his bag of tricks (another Felix reference). And then, to cap it all off, my made-out with Katie with the same aggression and moves I imagine a cat would use to make out with a human.

The worst part is… Katie liked this dude. Which tells me Katie is a crazy cat lady, which should probably be a red flag for the 30 dudes.

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Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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