Sunday, April 21, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Top 10 Movies of 2019

I like movies.

These are my top 10 movies of the year.

Before we begin, I wanted to share a few honorable mentions:

IT Chapter 2 — It was good, but there were some teenage girls laughing and talking throughout the entire movie, so I couldn’t focus as closely as I would’ve liked. Still good, though.

Us — Honestly, this movie very well could’ve cracked my top ten. I loved Us. It had everything you would want from a movie from the Jordan Peele creepiness, to the I Got 5 On It remixed score, to Kate Moss getting murdered. I struggled for a long time not putting this in my top ten. Jordan Peele is this generation’s Alfred Hitchcock, or he’s at least on his way. (Remember, we said that about M. Night Shyamalan after his first few movies, and then he made Lady In The Water)

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part — As far as sequels go, this one was solid. Very entertaining, very funny, and very nostalgic if you grew up playing with Legos. Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks and Will Arnett are hilarious.

Always Be My Maybe — I am a sucker for a good RomCom, and this movie delivered. It was a Netflix-only movie, but have you everything needed for a cute love story. Also, my wife may or may not have written this blurb.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker — As a whole, I really enjoyed this movie. I felt like it tied the entire saga together very well. However, there were a few nitpicks I had about the movie (it didn’t take any cinematic risks, it pulled the “kill off a character and then bring them back” move too many times, it introduced new characters when it should’ve focused on our favorites, and it left us with questions that they should’ve wrapped up), and it’s for that reason why it didn’t crack my top ten. It was obvious Disney tried to keep everyone alive so it could cash in on them as much as possible.

10. Ready Or Not

If this list was the College Football Playoff, Ready Or Not would be my non-Power 5 sleeper team that snuck into a New Years Six bowl.

In a word, this movie was fun.

It wasn’t a massive movie, but it did very well given it’s budget. The movie cost only $6 million to make, and walked away with $28 million domestic, and a $57 million worldwide. I credit that all to the fact that this movie starred Seth Cohen himself, Adam Brody.

Every time I see Adam Brody in a movie, I think to myself, “Why isn’t he in more movies?” Another way of saying that last sentence is: every time I see Adam Brody in In The Land Of Women, I think to myself, “Why isn’t he in more movies?” I love In The Land Of Women. If you too are an Adam Brody fan, you should see this movie, and or gift it to someone for Chrismukkah.

Plus, the star of this movie is like the Kirkland Signature brand of Margot Robbie, Samara Weaving. And I mean that as a compliment, because the Margot Robbie you can buy in bulk at Costco is still pretty great.

9. Knives Out

I will admit I came into this movie with an intense grudge towards director Rian Johnson after what he did to The Last Jedi. Which is admittedly unfair because I loved most of his prior work, most notably Looper.

However, I can gladly say that my beef with Rian Johnson has been squashed after watching Knives Out. Mainly because it featured no scenes of Princess Leia floating through space.

Knives Out reminded me a lot of the previous movie on this list, Ready Or Not, because they were both, in a word, fun. Plus, this movie felt like an All-Star team worth of talent: James Bond, Captain America, the Activia Yogurt lady, the dead girl from 13 Reasons Why, Michael Shannon, one of the kids from IT, Lakeith Stanfield (what’s up Get Out and Atlanta), and Christopher Plummer. I mean, this movie is a Michael Fassbender or Lucas Hedges away from hitting great actor bingo.

The movie had twists and turns. It was predictable until it wasn’t. But I left the theater feeling like I had a good time, which is the way you should feel leaving a good movie.

8. Avengers: Endgame

I loved Endgame. I thought it was an extremely well done farewell to a collection of films that we may never experience ever again. They spiderwebbed 23 movies together to build up to this epic conclusion, and they nailed it.

Think about that for a second. How many times do we see sequels that don’t live up to the original? And here Marvel rolls in and not only gives you sequels, they give you trilogies, and quadrilogies (is that a word?), and literally dozens of other films with each one somehow being better than the first. And every single detail in every film connected in some way to the other films. Say what you will about super hero movies (cough Martin Scorsese cough), but what Marvel Studios did with these movies to tie them all together was a piece of art.

With all that said, I must admit that I think I liked Infinity War better than Endgame. I know that’s Marvel blasphemy, but it’s true. And I assure you that has nothing to do with the fact that I had to pee for the entire second half of Endgame. That was a long second half, too. Over an hour and a half of me squirming in my seat, not wanting to leave because I didn’t want to miss a second. I watched 22 movies to get here. The threat of a bladder infection wasn’t about to stop me from watching every second of this epic finale.

I will admit, I was kind of hoping for an Edward Norton cameo at some point. That would’ve made this movie #1 for me.

I’m also afraid this movie might’ve not only marked the end of the Avengers, but also Robert Downey Jr.’s career. You’ll see what I mean by watching the trailer below.

Sigh. Rest in peace, Robert. I love you 3000.

7. Triple Frontier

This is one of those movies I was kind of bummed was on Netflix, because I would’ve loved to have seen this thing on the silver screen.

First off, the cast in this movie is on point. It’s like any current NBA team. It’s got two main superstars followed by a bunch of other strong supporting players. Really, this movie is the Los Angeles Clippers. Ben Affleck is the Kawhi Leonard and Oscar Isaac is the Paul George. This movie also features the guy who played Billingsley in Friday Night Lights and Adria Arjona, who played Yovanna and was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

As far as heist movies go, this is one of the best. As far as heist in the South American wilderness movies go, this is the best. If you enjoy overhead helicopter shots, big guns, and things going wrong for Ben Affleck, then you will love Triple Frontier.

6. Yesterday

If you love The Beatles, this movie is more of a must-see than A Hard Day’s Night.

The entire concept of this movie is what happens when the entire world has no idea about The Beatles and the cultural influence on the world except one guy, who just so happens to be a struggling musician.

If you’re not a fan of The Beatles (if you’re more of Stones kind of guy/girl), you should still support the hell out of this movie. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of Hollywood resorting to sequels, remakes, live-action cartoon movies, etc. So when an original concept film comes along, I want it to do well to persuade the suits in the Hollywood hills to make more of the screenplays that so often go overlooked in that town because it doesn’t feature a superhero or some sort of blockbuster disaster that’s going to destroy earth.

Also, I loved how the cast was pretty low key.

5. Joker

I still feel queezy after watching this.

It’s hard not to compare Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker to Heath Ledger’s, but I encourage you to try, because it will increase your appreciate for Joaquin’s performance so much more. Those people are like the people who have a hard time appreciating LeBron James because all they want to do is compare him to Michael Jordan. You’re missing a lot of great basketball by doing so.

I feel sorry for Arthur Fleck. Mainly because he wants to be a comedian. Does he have any idea how hard and vulnerable that profession is? It’s the only form of entertainment where you have to produce material that not only you find funny, but random audiences will find funny. Goodness. My guy should’ve pursued a career that’s much easier, like brain surgery.

My only gripe with this movie was arguably the most well-known and well-shot scenes in the entire film: the stair dancing scene. It was an iconic part of the movie, but I felt like it was ruined with the Jock Jams music choice. The entire scene is set to Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Part 2.

Plus, not to get all super woke here, but Gary Glitter was arrested in 1997 and charged with possession of child porn. Do we really need to be sending him royalty checks every time Joker plays on TV?

4. Midsommar

Ari Aster, you sick son of a bitch.

This was director Ari Aster’s second movie, following 2018’s hit Hereditary. If you haven’t seen Hereditary, I urge you to see it as soon as you can. If you have seen Hereditary, all I can say is this: telephone pole.

In Midsommar, you start off thinking it’s going to be dark, eerie, and super creepy as Hereditary was, but then early on in the film, you’re whisked away to sunny Sweden, to what appears to be a summer camp for Sound of Music honks. That’s one of the things that makes Midsommar so scary. It breaks the mold of horror. Most horror films are dark, fast and scary. Midsommar is a bright, slow burn (pun not intended).

This next sentence has a bit of a spoiler, so be warned…

…but at the absolute core of Midsomamr, it is a break up movie. A sick, twisted, and eerily whimsical break up movie. This movie is the illegitimate child of The Break-Up and The Wicker Man, with sprinkles of Requiem For A Dream.

This move gives a new (sometimes swollen) face to the horror genre.

I don’t mean your traditional sense of horror, either. That’s what makes Ari Aster’s movies so enticing. He makes horror movies out of the worst conceivable things that can happen to humans. Hence the telephone pole in Hereditary and the early suicide scene in Midsommar. He has a twisted mind, but one that I feel like is desperately needed in Hollywood.

3. Bombshell

There are a lot of people in the world who will try and make this movie political because it’s about either the news network that they love or the news network that they hate, and to be quite honest, those are the worst kinds of people in this world. If you walked away from this movie happy that this happened to Fox News or pissed that this happen to Fox News, you’re missing the point of this movie entirely. There are also people who hate this movie for making you root for Megyn Kelly or for making her the hero. That’s absurd to me, because it completely misses the greater point of this film.

Yes, this movie took place around real events that happened at Fox News, but it could’ve happened at any news network (cough NBC cough), or hell, any office in America. There are a lot of perverted people in the world, and this movie did all it could to shine a light on that, minimize it, and hopefully one day, end the systemic issues we have in the workplace. That’s the main takeaway you should take away from this film. Bombshell is intense, vengeful, and leaves you with an empty pit in your stomach. Or at least it should.

As for the movie itself, if Bombshell doesn’t win an Oscar for best makeup, then I will be on the front lines of the riots outside Dolby Theater. Ok, maybe not right outside Dolby Theater, because there’s a lot of security out there on Oscar night. So maybe we’ll have the riots meet like a few blocks away on the corner of Hollywood and Vine. But we will riot.

The poster says this movie starred Charlize Theron, but it does not. It stars Megyn Kelly as herself. Trust me, I know a Megyn Kelly when I see one. Plus, John Lithgow played Roger Ailes? Are we sure? Or did Roger Ailes play John Lithgow? I don’t know. That’s how good the makeup was in this movie.

Also, Bombshell had the best score of any film in 2019.

2. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood…

This was instantly a top three Quentin Tarantino film for me, and quite possibly a top two QT film. That’s how much I enjoyed this movie. This movie is the quintessential Hollywood fairy tale. And Tarantino nailed it. It makes you want to pick up a history book after you finish watching. And by pick up a history book, I just mean watch a bunch of documentaries about 1960’s Hollywood on Netflix.

Did I make this my number two movie of the year because Brad Pitt took his shirt off? What?! No! How dare you accuse me of that. But in case you were wondering, here’s a picture of Brad Pitt with his shirt off in this movie.

And just in case you missed it, here it is again.

What’s that? You need it one more time? Fine. Twist my leg. Here you go.

In case you were wondering, yes, even at 53-years-old, Brad Pitt’s still got it.

1. Parasite

If you’ve never seen or even heard of Parasite, you’re probably extremely disappointed right now. “Man, I wasted all this time skimming through this article hoping to have seen this guy’s top movie of 2019, and here he goes picking some indie film that I’ve never seen or heard of.”

If you HAVE seen this movie, then you know why this is my #1 film of the year.

Let me start by saying this. This movie has subtitles. I hate movies with subtitles. I don’t go to the movies to read. I go to the movies to avoid reading. A lot of people like to brag that “the book was better.” Well, I like to brag that “watching the movie was faster.” So when I go to the movies, I don’t want to have to read the movie.

With that said, this movie is incredible. Even with subtitles. You go into this movie thinking one thing, and leave it having watched a movie you did not expect. There’s also a lot of hidden and underlying themes about the early Native Americans in this country and how they were forced out by the Europeans who took over the new land. Deep, I know.

If you get a chance, watch Parasite. I can’t urge this sentiment enough.

Before I finish this thing, I also wanted to throw out some honorable mentions of movies that I never got around to seeing yet, but I’m sure were really good.

Ad Astra

Brad Pitt in space? Yes, please. Only problem is I doubt he takes his shirt off in space. Sad face emoji.

Uncut Gems

Sandler getting low key Oscar buzz? I’m in. Anything to get the taste of Jack and Jill out of my mouth. Plus, as a sports guy, I’m down for seeing Kevin Garnett, Mike Francesa, and Adam Sandler working in a basketball scene into the movie.

Marriage Story

Although, I feel like this movie should’ve been called Ex-Marriage Story, because the entire movie is about a divorce. I’m sure it was hard for Disney execs to watch this movie too since it was essentially 2 hours worth of Star Wars Kylo Ren fighting Marvel’s Black Widow.

Toy Story 4

I haven’t seen this yet, and I honestly have no idea why. Really hoping this is the movie where Sid makes his return.


I’m just excited to watch J-Lo without Alex Rodriguez forcing his way into the picture.


Lol, jk. This movie looked terrible.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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