Tuesday, July 23, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Story Of Cigar Guy

We found this memo this afternoon with the specific instructions to put this note online:

Many of you have already seen it by now. The picture that could pose as quite possibly the greatest photo of all-time in sports photojournalism. In last weekend’s Ryder Cup, Woods was hoping to chip his third shot onto the green on the final hole. On his swing, Tiger hit the groung and instead hit his ball right at Mail On Sunday photographer, Mark Pain (perfect name for a guy getting hit by a golf ball). Pain didn’t move his ground. The ball hit his camera, then his chest, before coming to a final resting place at his feet.

It was because of him, this photo was taken, and I couldn’t be more glad it was. Thanks to this photo, the world has been introduced to me, Cigar Guy.

That’s right, I am Cigar Guy. I felt it was time for me to speak out. I’ve been called many things on the internet since the release of this photo. “That guy,” “Turban guy,” “White Shoes Willis,” “Funny looking Muslim Man,” “Cigar Man,” and the list goes on. The most popular name I’ve been called has been, “Cigar Man.” First, let me just clear the water right now. My name is Greg.

That’s right, Greg. I’m a Lutheran from New Hampshire. I wear the turban for comfort and style. I’m not a terrorist. I don’t work as a telecommunicator. I’m not a member of Al Qaeda. And I don’t work at a Seven Eleven.

My brother does.

A lot of people ask me about the squirrel tail I have residing on my upper lip. I’ll have you know, that it’s no squirrel tail. It is indeed a mustache. I’ve been growing it since I was but a wee Cigar Man.

I am also the inventor of the Pizzaz Pizza Oven. That’s right. The old pizza oven infomercials that you used to see late at night about 8 years ago were all because of my brain child. I sold the oven idea to Presto for a ton of money. However, unlike the movie Blank Check proves, you can’t get a whole lot for one million dollars anymore. After buying a castle looking house and installing a water slide, I found myself on the verge of bankruptcy.

However, a buddy of mine was working in Hollywood (not Bollywood, you racists) and was able to land me a gig as the voice of Babar in the animated series, Babar. I dabbled in that for a while. But being in the career field of voicing a fictional talking elephant for a BBC TV show doesn’t quite have room for advancement. But it was enough to keep me financed.

Flash forward a few years. I got married popped out a couple of Cigar Babies. They grew up and I got them into acting. You may recognize them from their small role in Academy Award Winning movie, Slumdog Millionaire. You might recognize them:

The money my kids made from that has made living pretty easy over the past couple of years. My wife and I each retired and are able to travel the world. Thus explaining my trip to Wales for the Ryder Cup. As you can see, my life was normal just like anyone else’s. I’m just your everyday turban wearing Lutheran, instant pizza oven inventor, who voiced Babar for a couple of years, with kids in the background of an Academy Award winning movie which paid for his way to an international golf tournament between two countries. A picture was taken and now I’m the biggest thing to hit the internet since David at the dentist, sneezing panda, Hide your kids, hide your wife.

I just want to know, “Why me?”

Why not the highly confused man in red?

Why not the midget little kid just trying to sneak a look at Tiger Woods like he’s Jesus? …Errr, sorry Tiger, Buddah.

Why not the man in blue doing his best Touchdown Jesus impersonation?

Why not Waldo?

Sorry, no photo included.

We haven’t found him yet.

Why not the even more confused older man in red?

Why not the submarine guy in the background?

Why was it me?

I’ll tell you why.

Because I’m Cigar Man. And I’m a bad ass.

Now, follow me on Twitter!


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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