Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Padres Will Padre Until They Prove They’re Not The Padres (2022 Edition)

If I could retweet a blog post, I would, because it feels as though I write this same blog annually. Like last year. And the year before.

Did you guys hear how the Padres were the big winners of this year’s MLB trade deadline? Not to be mistaken when they won the offseason this year. And the year before. The San Diego Padres are the Indianapolis Colts of baseball teams. Every year they win the offseason, garner so much hype and every year they fail to succeed during the actual season. The only difference is the Colts actually got theirs. In 2009, sure, but they still got theirs. The Padres haven’t even been to the Fall Classic since POGS were being collected. Hell, Jurassic World movies think the Padres are disappointing despite the hype.

But for real, how many times do we have to go through this dog and padre show before we realize that the Padres will Padre until they prove they’re not the Padres. And look, I’m not saying they can’t win a title. Hell, they SHOULD win a title. But we’ve been through this many, many, man times before. Even Vegas has caught on. The Padres acquired one of the best players in the sport in Juan Soto, Josh Bell, and Josh freakin’ Hader, and they’re still only 5th in odds to win the World Series. Why? Because we’ve seen this movie before. Let’s recap:

2022: Juan Soto makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2021: Yu Darvish makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2021: Joe Musgrove makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2019: Manny Machado makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2019: Fernando Tatis Jr. makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2018: Eric Hosmer makes the Padres instant World Series contenders.

2014: Matt Kemp, Wil Myers, Derek Norris, Craig Kimbrel, Brandon Morrow, Will Middlebrooks, and Justin Upton make the Padres instant World Series contenders.

NARRATOR: They did not contend for the World Series in any of those years.

Hell, they’ve only made the playoffs ONCE since 2006. The Padres are the guy at the club who rolls up in a Maserati, a Gucci suit, and a Richard Mille on his wrist trying to pass like he’s made of money, when in reality, he rented the car and the suit, and burrowed the watch from a friend. The Padres are not the Dodgers, Yankees, Mets or Astros. But they keep spending money like they are. If they don’t win this year or next, expect them to have a yard sale like they did at the deadline in 2014.

Just because the Padres have the pieces doesn’t mean they’re a lock for the Fall Classic. Look at Batman & Robin. People forget just how loaded that cast was. Clooney, Schwarzenegger, Silverstone, Uma Thurman, Vivica A. Fox, Elle Macpherson, Chris O’Donnell. But guess what? It suuuuuuucked. And not just because Clooney’s batsuit had nipples.

Again, I’m not trying to be a dick. Not trying to be the “well actually” guy here not only raining on the Padres parade, but pissing on it. But all I’m doing is pointing out that the Padres have never had a parade. Unless you count the parades they throw themselves for winning offseasons and trade deadlines.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.