The NBA We’ve Always Wanted
Now that the NBA is close to returning, I can go back to writing about things I love… Like LeBron, Blake Griffin, and Charles Barkley’s golf swing. There is a ton of buzz around the upcoming season, and it seems like the only things ESPN is allowed to report on are trades/free agent signings and scandals. Don’t believe me? Starting with “The Decision” in the summer of 2010, here are the top story lines:
Player Movement:
- LeBron (and “The Decision“), Bosh, Amare, Carmelo in 2010-2011
- The Phillies trotting out four legitimate Cy Young Contenders in a single rotation
- Ongoing Brett Favre Drama
- The Eagles Dream Team
- Pujols, Fielder, Reyes, CJ Wilson, and other winter meeting nonsense
- And now Chris Paul and Dwight Howard are stepping into the mix…
*Note: The seemingly countless scandals are highlighted by Ohio State Football’s “Tattoo-Gate,” Miami Hurricane Football’s “Stripper-Gate,” Penn State Football’s “Shower-Gate,” and Syracuse Basketball’s “Bernie-Gate” to name a few.
**Second Note: Of all the players that moved and all the Dream Teams that were formed, not a single one has yet to win a title (Heat, Phillies, Eagles). I’d be worried if I was an Angels fan (and I’m only partly saying that because I’m a sad St. Louis fan… partly).
So now that player movement is all we can focus on, I thought I’d save the NBA some trouble and create 5 Mega-Teams. We don’t needs all these small and middle-markets clogging up our consciousness. With these five teams, all trade rumors and free agency garbage will cease to exist. We can focus on the stars and the stars only. If you’re going to undertake an endeavor of this magnitude, you need to do it right. Below are the rules, teams, and intriguing match ups of what I’m dubbing the KBA (Korked Bats Association).
So here are the rules- 5 teams, 6 players per team, owners, and coaches are included. Owners have to be from that city and have enough cash to bankroll a team. Sorry, Mr. McCourt. Coaches have to have a strong connection to the city and be just good enough to lace up if they were ever needed in a pickup game. Each team will also have one celebrity on their roster (example, Jimmy Kimmel will play on the LA team). I’ll rename each team so they can create their own identities and establish a new brand. Anyone who doesn’t make the cut is forced to try out for NFL squads or hopefully reclaim some NCAA eligibility. There will be a 30 game season, with no more than 3 games in a single week. Playoffs will be best of 3 series with the #1 seed getting a first round bye. Tim Donaghy and Joey Crawford are not allowed to officiate games.
(Also, Each Team’s Logo Is Included… You’re welcome.)
Chicago Shenanigans
Rolls off the tongue and I can totally see Obama, Kevin Love, and Dwight Howard being up to some Shenanigans.
Owner: Oprah Winfrey
Coach: Michael Jordan (also available to sub-in if needed)
Roster: Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Kevin Love, Ricky Rubio, Steph Curry, and Barack Obama
Los Angeles Lady Lumps
Only so their slogan can be “The LA Lady Lumps… Check it out!” (You’re welcome.)
Owner: Jerry Jones (originally from LA)
Coach: Bill Murray (did you see his moves in Space Jam?)
Roster: Kobe Bryant, Joe Johnson, Pau Gasol, LaMarcus Aldridge, Manu Ginobli, and Jimmy Kimmel
New York Ninjas
I haven’t heard a single convincing argument as to why “Ninjas” isn’t a mainstream mascot yet!
Owner: Jay-Z
Coach: Eddie Murphy
Roster: Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul, Amare Stoudemire, Al Horford, Blake Griffin, and Jerry Seinfeld
Miami Mafia
Pretty self-explanatory. I can’t remember the last time I thought, “Man, what an outstanding citizen and contributer to society” when referring to a native of Miami.
Owner: Drew Rosenhaus (now it’s his turn to negotiate the other side of contracts)
Coach: Jose Conseco
Roster: Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Marc Gasol, Russell Westbrook, and Ricky Martin
Boston Brady’s
Tom Brady basically owns the town anyway, why not name the team after him?
Owner: George H.W. Bush (originally from Boston)
Coach: Bill Simmons (probably the least fearsome on the basketball court, but he is the Boston Sports Guy after all. Plus, he almost made a half-court shot in front of thousands of people once)
Roster: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo, Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Durant, and Ben Affleck
Intriguing Matchups
Boston vs. Chicago (Obama versus Bush Sr.) – aka the Battle of the White House
Chicago vs. New York (Oprah vs. Seinfeld) – aka the Battle for our Television Hearts
New York vs. Los Angeles (Eddie Murphy vs. Bill Murray) – aka the Battle of Saturday Night Live
Miami vs. New York (Ricky Martin vs. Jay-Z) – aka the Battle of 99 problems
Boston vs. LA (Jerry Jones vs. Bush Sr.) – aka the Battle for Texas that isn’t Fought in Texas
Those are just some of the match ups you would have to look forward to. Trust me, you’ll love the KBA more than humans love swimming like dolphins. It will free up SportsCenter for highlights (like SportsCenter was originally intended), instead of their current fabricated drama. (A problem we’ve never seen before… right, MTV?)