The Master Plan to Save Basketball

The longer this NBA lockout goes on, the more I think I’m the only person who misses professional basketball. I’ve been hoping for weeks that someone would come up with a creative alternative to all my favorite players going over to play in shady Turkish leagues (which when written out, kind of looks like Turkey Legs, which are delicious). I think Bill Simmons and Jay Caspian Kang had a solid start this week by proposing their Renegade Basketball League.

I think we can go in another direction, though.  Last weekend I was driving to Michigan with some friends (8 guys in an SUV watching Finding Nemo… we’re talking a real man’s road trip). Anyway, at one point, someone from the back seat asked me if I wanted to play NBA Jam on our iPhones. This game has a bluetooth functionality so we could sync up and play each other. Since the epic masterpiece (Finding Nemo) was no longer playing on the TV, I happily obliged. After 20 minutes of ridiculous alley-oops, being on fire, and shoving my opponents all over the floor, I started to think, “Why couldn’t this be a better option than what our favorite players are currently facing?”

So I’d like to propose a new basketball league in the United States. I know I’m not alone in thinking all games should have that “Underground” feeling of a league that is sticking it to the man. If we can get a larger corporate sponsor, I think we could easily name the league “The Amtrak Underground Railroad Basketball League.” It has an historical ring to it.

But back to the the concept itself.  If people love home runs in baseball and touchdowns in football, what do they love in basketball? Dunks. And lots of them. This new NBA Jam league will have teams of 2 square off against each other in a full court game.  The entire scoring system should be changed to accommodate more creative dunks and alley-oops. Also, we’re going to need a new set of rules for players to observe.

Scoring System

Layup- 0.5 points

Jump shot (inside the arc)- 1 point

Dunk (taking off from inside the paint)- 2 points

Alley-oop (pass from inside the arc)- 2.5 points

Dunk (taking off from outside the paint)- 3 points

Jump shot (from outside the arc)- 3.5 points

Alley-oop (pass from outside the arc)- 4 points

Dunk (jumping over an illegally parked KIA)- 4.5 points

Half court shot (benefiting the Jimmer’s of the world)- 5 points

Rules

• Full contact is allowed (think NFL Blitz, but in real life). Stats on shoves will be counted and there will be an award at the end of the season for the statistical leader in this category (we’ll call this the Andrew Bynum Award).
• Players must wear sneakers with the revolutionary LA Gear light-up technology. No exceptions.
• The two-man squads will be coached by celebrities. We’ll start the league with 10 teams (so the top-20 players initially). Celebrity coaches will include: Will Smith, Barack Obama, Dr. Phil (the new Zen Master), Lady Gaga, Ellen Degeneres, Brad Pitt (but his two assistant coaches will be Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston – this league will be action packed and drama-filled at all levels), Spike Lee, Whoopi Goldberg, Jack Nicholson, and Mark Wahlberg.
• All free-throws will be Slam-Ball style (you’ll see what I mean 22 seconds into this video).
• Referees are required to wear roller blades, just for the sheer entertainment of the fans. If hockey refs can skate and still make solid calls, there is no excuse to not have roller-refs in our new league.
• We will play with a revolutionary new basketball that I created in my mind. The ball itself will be almost entirely translucent. When a player has scored three baskets in a row, the ball will ignite (on the inside) when that player has the ball. Said fire will enable players to jump up to 4x higher than normal and make in inordinate amount of jump shots. Because clearly that’s what fire does. Also, every time a basket is made while someone is on fire, the net will disintegrate (we’re going to need a lot of nets).
• Also, not sure how we’ll make that ball work.

The potential of a league like this is limitless.  If the labor issue doesn’t get resolved by Monday, you should expect the Amtrak Underground Railroad Basketball League to start within a few days. You’re welcome.

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Note: I thought Simmons’ and Kang’s Renegade Basketball League was a genius idea that was much more well thought out than mine.

It’s just fun to dream about basketball when greedy millionaires and billionaires are fighting over stacks of cash.