The Korked Bats College Football Top 25

August 30, 2013September 3, 2013 Austin

Everyone has a college football poll, so being the major media outlet we are, we felt we needed to join the party. Plus, college… parties… it’s gotta be awesome, right?

So here is our College Football Top 25:

1. Alabama

Why: They have a good football team. Also, 1 is about as high as the average Bama fan can count.

Season Outcome: We see the Crimson Tide, at very least, making it to a bowl game.

2. Ohio State

Why: Because all Urban Meyer does is win. Seriously. He doesn’t do anything else. Like discipline players. Or spend time with his wife. Or remember the names of his children. He ONLY wins.

Season Outcome: A bowl game which will be labeled as Urban Meyer’s as he will step aside at season’s end due to health reasons. Coincidentally, Ohio State will be hammered with NCAA sanctions shortly after the season.

3. Alabama, again

Why: Because they’re so good, putting them on your poll once isn’t enough.

Season Outcome: Making a bowl game, at least.

4. Oregon

Why: I mean, look at those uniforms!

Season Outcome: They will definitely finish in the top 5… of Project Runway. Probably top 10 in college football.

5. Futons

Why: Let’s be honest, without futons, there would be no college. And college is half of college football.

Season Outcome: A convenient place to fall asleep on while playing Madden, watching Arrested Development, or talking on the phone with your long distance girlfriend. “What? No, babe! I didn’t just fall asleep. That snoring sound was the noise-making stuffed pig I was going to send you for our 3-month anniversary.” (Note: You must now find a noise-making stuffed pig to send her for your 3-month anniversary.)

6. Jadeveon Clowney

Why: Because if he’s not on this list by himself, he might kill me.

Season Outcome: He still might kill someone.

7. Stanford

Why: They have a good football team. Or so I hear. All nighters are meant for finals week, not for watching the end of Pac-12 games.

Season Outcome: Straight A’s.

8. Texas A&M’s Compliance Offices

Why: No one has worked harder than them this offseason.

Season Outcome: No one will work harder than them this season. Johnny Football, amirite?!

9. Florida

Why: Because we must fill the quota of 5 SEC teams in the Top 10

Season Outcome: Whether Florida wins the National Championship or not, they’ll still claim one for themselves. S-E-C, amirite?

10. Other SEC Team

Why: [See: #9]

Season Outcome: [See: #9]

11. Free Stuff

Why: Because who doesn’t need more t-shirts, coozies, tote bags, hats, brochures, more t-shirts, food, samples, Gideon’s Bibles, mini footballs, laundry detergent samples, pamphlets, more food, magnets, month of rent, beach towel, pet dogs, pet dogs that turn out to be rabid wolves, even more food, candy, tickets to the big game, tickets to the Florida A&M game, tickets to the big concert, tickets to the Hinder concert, friends, pencils, pens, answers to next month’s midterm, ice cream, oversized t-shirt, shower caddy, bootleg DVDs, iPod nano, coupons, sunglasses, neon sunglasses with a company’s logo on the frame, Kanye glasses, and more food (even though you’re completely stuffed).

Season Outcome: A trip to Goodwill.

12. Uncle Nate

Why: Being a friend of Johnny’s since high school and now his “personal assistant,” he helped Johnny Manziel get the smallest suspension in the history of NCAA suspensions.

Season Outcome: He’ll attend a Texas frat party with Johnny, only to be arrested for supplying drugs and alcohol to minors. Classic Uncle Nate!

13. Notre Dame

Why: Well, they’re on national TV every Saturday, so they MUST be good.

Season Outcome: Notre Dame renews contract with NBC until 2035 to continue the brainwashing.

14. Boise State

Why: Because we’re still doing this, right? Putting Boise State in our Top 25?

Season Outcome: No matter how many games they win, former Boise State wide receiver Titus Young will at least double it with arrests.

15. Snapchat

Why: Because check out this picture Darren just sent me of him doing shots off of a hairy… Oh. It’s gone.

Season Outcome: If the season lasts any longer than 10 seconds, Snapchat has no chance.

16. Texas

Why: They’re already pretty good, and to think… they could’ve had Johnny Manziel at safety.

Season Outcome: A depressing naked bongo session for Matthew McConaughey. (They will lose the Alamo Bowl.)

17. Taylor Martinez

Why: He is Nebraska’s team.

Season Outcome: Even if ~~Nebraska~~ Taylor Martinez wins the National Championship, Bo Pelini will still be pissed.

18. Penn State

Why: They’re actually upset with this spot. They prefer their ranking to be 17 or under.

Season Outcome: Probably won’t make it to a bowl game.

19. SEC Girls

Why: Sundresses.

Season Outcome: Sundresses.

20. All-Nighters

Why: All-Nighters have a lot of potential and upside: Dorm hall Madden tournaments, climbing buildings on campus, chicks. But they also have some negative effects: Studying for tomorrow’s final, getting arrested for climbing buildings on campus, breaking up with chicks.

Season Outcome: They have a shot to be #1, but it won’t be a long-lasting dynasty. It just can’t be done.

21. The Pac-12’s “P-A-C” Chant

Why: It may not be as popular as the “S-E-C” chant, but it will catch on. Trust me.

Season Outcome: It won’t catch on.

22. James Franklin

Why: Not Vanderbilt, only James Franklin. He has been a great head coach for the Commodores. Before him, Vanderbilt students used to spend all their time in the library studying. Now, with the energy and optimism he has brought to the football program, students spend all their time in the library studying and occasionally checking the Vandy football score.

Season Outcome: James Franklin will lead his guys to a bowl game win… As long as it’s the Quiz Bowl.

23. Michigan

Why: Head coach Brady Hoke returns for his third year as the head coach of Michigan. He’s won 19 games in his first 2 years, including a Sugar Bowl. Devin Gardner fills the (untied) shoes of Denard Robinson at quarterback behind Al Borges’ pro-style system. Devin Gardner fills in to Borges’ system a lot better than Robinson. With Gardner, Michigan will score and score a lot. Michigan benefits by having a number of guys at wide receiver that are athletic and strong. They lack in WR size, but all of Michigan’s receivers are fast.

Season Outcome: Whoa… Just blacked out for a second. What just happened?