The Korked Bats College Football Preseason Top 25

August 15, 2014August 24, 2014 Austin

Hate reading? Listen to an audio version of our top 25 by clicking here.

Everyone has a college football poll, so being the major media outlet we are, we felt we needed to join the party. Plus, college… parties… it’s gotta be awesome, right?

So here is our Korked Bats’ College Football Preseason Top 25:

25. Texas

Why: Because we’re legally obligated to include the Texas Longhorns in a preseason Top 25 poll.

Season Outcome: Another Alamo Bowl loss.

24. Ramen Noodles

Why: The dining hall closed 30 minutes ago, yet you need to eat before going out tonight. Ramen comes in clutch.

Season Outcome: With some cinnamon added, this Ramen is definitely going to a bowl.

23. Texas A&M

Why: Because with 3rd year quarterback Johnny Manziel behind the helm, they can accompl…

Season Outcome: I’m sorry, what?! Johnny Manziel went pro and was drafted in the first round? WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?! (Nevermind about A&M in the Top 25 then…)

23, again. The PAC-12’s “P-A-C” Chant

Why: It may not be as popular as the “S-E-C” chant, but it will catch on. Trust me.

Season Outcome: It won’t catch on.

22. All-Nighters

Why: All-Nighters have a lot of potential and upside: Dorm hall Madden tournaments, climbing buildings on campus, chicks. But they also have some negative effects: Studying for tomorrow’s final, getting arrested for climbing buildings on campus, breaking up with chicks.

Season Outcome: They have a shot to be #1, but it won’t be a long-lasting dynasty. It just can’t be done.

21. Nebraska

Why: Because Bo Pelini is the best head coach in college football and definitely didn’t break into my home while I was writing this and hold a gun to my head, making me type this.

Season Outcome: Yes, he did. Send help, please.

20. Bo Pelini

Why: Because if he’s not on this list by himself, he might kill someone.

Season Outcome: He still might kill someone.

19. Ole Miss

Why: This is the year of the Rebel (slash black bear)… Because WHY NOT?!

Season Outcome: They will finish this season unranked… Oh, that’s why.

18. Penn State

Why: Penn State is actually upset with this spot in the poll. They prefer their ranking to be 17 or under… too soon?

Season Outcome: They’re still on probation, so they probably won’t make it to a bowl game.

17. SEC Girls

Why: Sun dresses.

Season outcome: Sun dresses.

16. Notre Dame

Why: Well, they’re on national TV every Saturday, so they MUST be good.

Season Outcome: Notre Dame renews contract with NBC until 2035 to continue the brainwashing.

15. Snapchat

Why: Because check out this picture Darren just sent me of him doing shots off of a hairy… Oh. It’s gone.

Season Outcome: If the season lasts any longer than 10 seconds, Snapchat has no chance.

14. Boise State

Why: Because we’re still doing this, right? Putting Boise State in our Top 25?

Season Outcome: No? Ok. My bad.

14, again. USC

Why: Since we’re no longer doing the whole “Boise State in the Top 25” thing, we needed a team to fill their vacant slot. And considering Lane Kiffin is no longer at Southern Cal, they should have tons of success again. Right?

Season Outcome: They’ll lose the Sun Bowl again.

13. Oregon’s Uniforms

Why: Is that a chrome jockstrap? THEY HAVE CHROME JOCKSTRAPS!

Season Outcome: They will win it all. And by “all,” we mean Project Runway.

12. Free Stuff

Why: Because who doesn’t need more t-shirts, coozies, tote bags, hats, brochures, more t-shirts, food, samples, Gideon’s Bibles, mini footballs, laundry detergent samples, pamphlets, more food, magnets, month of rent, beach towel, pet dogs, pet dogs that turn out to be rabid wolves, even more food, candy, tickets to the big game, tickets to the Florida A&M game, tickets to the big concert, tickets to the Hinder concert, friends, pencils, pens, answers to next month’s midterm, ice cream, oversized t-shirt, shower caddy, bootleg DVDs, iPod nano, coupons, sunglasses, neon sunglasses with a company’s logo on the frame, Kanye glasses, and more food (even though you’re completely stuffed).

Season Outcome: A trip to Goodwill to donate all this extra stuff you don’t need.

11. Baylor

Why: Because there is a NEW powerhouse Texas program in the Big XII.

Season Outcome: The launch of the new Sic ‘Em Network, powered by ESPN.

10. LSU

Why: LSU has a great shot to win the National Championship this year, because this is the 7th year since they won their last national title, and you know what they say: “7th year’s the charm.”

Season Outcome: No one says that. They’ll win the Capital One Bowl.

9. Stanford

Why: They have a good football team. Or so I hear. All nighters are meant for finals week, not for watching the end of Pac-12 games.

Season Outcome: Straight A’s.

8. Ohio State

Why: Because all Urban Meyer does is win. Seriously. He doesn’t do anything else. Like discipline players. Or spend time with his wife. Or remember the names of his children. He ONLY wins.

Season Outcome: A bowl game which will be labeled as Urban Meyer’s as he will step aside at season’s end due to health reasons. Coincidentally, Ohio State will be hammered with NCAA sanctions shortly after the season.

8, again. Ed O’Bannon

Why: Because in about 5 years, Ohio State will be forced to vacate this season, so we’ll need a new #8.

Season Outcome: He’ll continue his undefeated season, but will have terrible player ratings in the next EA Sports college video game.

7. Futons

Why: Without futons, there would be no college. And college is one half of college football.

Season Outcome: A convenient place to fall asleep on while playing Madden, watching Arrested Development on Netflix, or talking on the phone with your long distance girlfriend. “What? No, babe! I didn’t just fall asleep. That snoring sound was the noise-making stuffed pig I was going to send you for our 3-month anniversary.” (Note: You must now find a noise-making stuffed pig to send her for your 3-month anniversary.)

6. Auburn

Why: Because they went to the National Championship last year.

Season Outcome: If Auburn’s 2011 season is any indication, they usually finish 8-5 the year after going to the National Championship game.

5. Publix Security

Why: They’ve been the only ones who have proved to stop Jameis Winston.

Season Outcome: They’ll probably add a Publix Bowl and get an automatic bid.

4. Another SEC School

Why: Because every national Top 25 poll must fill the quota of 5 SEC teams in the Top 10.

Season Outcome: Because as long as one SEC school wins the National Championship, all SEC schools win the National Championship. Right?

3. Florida State

Why: Because they have one of the players on Korked Bats’ Heisman Watch List (see full list below) playing quarterback. And their coach’s name is Jimbo. Never underestimate a Jimbo.

Season Outcome: Back-to-back National Champions, then a seafood cookout back at Jameis Winston’s apartment. Just don’t ask how he got the seafood.

2. Alabama

Why: They have a good football team. Also, 2 is about as high as the average Bama fan can count.

Season Outcome: We see the Crimson Tide, at very least, making it to a bowl game. And if they lose said bowl game, referring to it as a consolation game.