Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Indisputable List Of Things A New Titans Stadium Absolutely Has To Have

Last week, news broke that the Titans are exploring the possibility of building a new stadium. We couldn’t weigh in on it then, because our site was down, but this was welcoming news, not because the Titans stadium is a dump – it’s bland, sure, but only 22 years old. But rather because it finally got Titans fans to talk about something other than whether or not they hate Ryan Tannehill. So with all the new Titans stadium talk, I felt like I’d share the absolutely indisputable list of things a new Titans stadium would need.

Rename it the Colisseum

To me, this is a no-brainer that should be done whether they get a new stadium or not. Nissan Coliseum fits the Titans home barn so much better than Nissan Stadium. Hell, the Titans had their best days when they played in the Adelphia Coliseum, so why not bring it back? (And yes, they had some good years at LP Field too, but never mind that because it doesn’t really play into the point I’m trying to make.)

A roof

This can be retractable or permanent. And this isn’t solely for the sake of hosting a Super Bowl. It mostly is, but also because of Tennessee weather. With Nashville sitting on the top of that plateau it didn’t take Lisa Patton explaining it to me that many times before I learned that Nashville’s weather patterns are as wonky as those two short twins who walk around lower broad promoting The Big Bang piano bar.

Heated concrete

This is only a must if there is no roof, which I imagine there will be. But the heated concrete has to be the most luxurious aspect of a brand new stadium. Do any stadiums have this feature? I don’t even know. I think I may have just come up with it. And if I did, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers if you try and take it. I know Lambeau has the heated field, but I’m talking concrete. For the fans. You know why? What’s the coldest part of your body when you leave an outdoor game that’s freezing? It’s your toes. ALWAYS. Heating the concrete would help to eliminate this issue. It would keep every fan warm which would only help them stay loud, which is what you want. But again, if you steal that idea, I SUE!

A stage for concerts

I think this would be a great idea. Build a stage for some of the biggest acts in music to perform for Titans fans on Sundays. Except instead of building the stage in the stadium, build it right outside, like 20 blocks away from the stadium so that way anyone who really wants to see a friggin’ concert can go to the damn concert and leave the truest Titans fans to watch some damn football.

A lot of columns

Just to keep with the Titans/Athens of the South vibe, I think there needs to be way more columns than there are now. And they should all be corinthian columns, for anyone out there who’s as into columns as I am. Hell, look at the Parthenon. There are a ton of columns there and that building gives off bigger Greek vibes than Jesse Katsopolis.

A giant torch

Let’s play into the whole flame thing. I mean why not? Plus, who doesn’t like fire. And I’m not talking a fake-light-up torch like they have in Vegas. Give me real fire, or get burnt.

A giant trash can

The Titans mascot is a damn raccoon. So why not give T-Rac something all raccoons enjoy? A giant trash can. Trust me, raccoons love trash cans almost as much as they love to be portrayed as burglars on television. Raccoons used to always go through the trash cans at my house growing up. I’m aware of this habit because I was always the one in my family tasked with cleaning up the trash all over the yard the next morning. So if you give T-Rac his own trash can, maybe he’ll stay out of everyone else’s. You can even put it in one of the end zones like the Cowboys do with their Salvation Army kettle. That way dudes can jump in it and stuff. Or you could dunk the opposing team’s football in it after turnovers or something to signify how they’re trash. Look, I don’t know. Let more creative people come up with what you can do with it. I’m trying, ok? I’m just a damn blogger.

A nicer Stadium Inn

Look, if we’re going to have a motel immediately across the street from the parking lot of the Titans stadium, it’s gotta be a little bit nicer than that seedy Stadium Inn. Pretty sure I contracted tetanus just by looking at it. I don’t want to offend the people that work there, but that’s the thing, the people who work there aren’t even employees of the Stadium Inn if you catch my drift. All I’m asking is for a motel across the street from the stadium that can rate just a little bit better than 1.5 stars on TripAdvisor. The only review over 2 stars came from Huston here.

Yeah, but that Shonies can stay tho.

Bring back the “GO TITANS GO!” Guitar Riff Chant

Sure, it’s almost a direct knockoff of what the Packers do at Lambeau, but it’s OUR direct ripoff of what the Packers do at Lambeau. This chant was all we had for years before they started “Titan Up.” It was universally recognized by all Titans fans. You could walk into any party and scream at the top of your lungs, “DA-NA-NANANA-NA!” And the rest of the party would scream back “GO TITANS GO!” Trust me, I know. I did it. Either that or they sternly ask you to leave.

Even bigger dollhouses than before

I know a lot of Titans fans absolutely hate the “dollhouses” as they call them that give a little bit of character to the concession stands in the north and south end zones. Frankly, I don’t care one way or another about them. I remember what it looked like before them and it looked bare. Are the dollhouses the answer? I don’t know. Maybe we ripoff the Bucs the way we did the Packers and throw a damn pirate ship in one end of the field? Regardless, I do think they need to make even bigger dollhouses this time around. Why? Because if they took them away, it would take away the single-biggest thing Titans fans have to gripe about. Other than Ryan Tannehill, of course.

Make that rollercoaster sculpture thing an actual rollercoaster

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. Like reeeeeal honest. That rollercoaster piece of art thing was installed decades ago. Whenever I’d walk down First Avenue or anywhere near Fort Nashborough, for about the first 6-7 years of its existence, I’d always get really excited for a moment thinking they built a riverside rollercoaster – as somewhat of a makegood for ripping Opryland U.S.A. from us. But unfortunately, every time I’d be let down and realize, no, it’s just some lame piece of art. Well, a new stadium allows the Titans to make a make-good for a presumed make-good by actually giving us a rollercoaster! Do it, Titans! And call it The Hangman. Or at very least the Wabash Cannonball.

Cheap food

The Atlanta Falcons did this with their stadium and personally, it would make me want to spend so much more money at games. There is no punch line attached to this idea, just literally something I really want. Look, not all of us were born in Belle Meade. Maybe make it to where we can enjoy a nice burg at a game without having to take out a second mortgage on our house. Or excuse me, our shanty.

Free parking

Look, I’m just trying this out. If they’re willing to give cheap concessions, let’s see how far they’re willing to go.

Cut back on capacity

Everyone thinks bigger capacity is always the way to go. And while Nashville is growing, as is the popularity of the Titans, I don’t think this would be the right play for the Titans. As of right now, the record for attendance at Nissan is 69,484 which was set at the Chiefs game this year. To me, that’s 64 people too many. Just even out the capacity to nice even number like 69,420. I think that’s a high enough number and would be really nice.

A suggestion box

Just to save Titans fans the time of throwing up their dumb non-thought-out complaints on the internet, allow them a place to write them down on a piece of paper and submit them before leaving the stadium. That way if someone wants to FIRE VRABEL! or CUT AJ BROWN! after a bad game, no one else has to read about it other than some poor soul within the Titans facility. Or… better yet… allow for T-Rac’s new giant trash can to double as the suggestion box!

A Statue of Molly Moo

I was going to say multiple statues of Titans greats, but you kinda gotta pick your battles here. To me, there is no one more important to the Titans franchise than Molly Moo of the Kroger Shopping Cart Race that aired on the jumbotron for decades. Unfortunately, I haven’t been to a game in person since around 2013 or 2014, so I can’t speak to this confidently, but someone told me the Shopping Cart Race is no more. *sigh* Just add it to the list including Terry Tate The Office Linebacker and Judge Mills Lane of things that used to get Titans fans jacked. The only way to make good is to immortalize her outside of the stadium. Which I think is a nice consolation for what I was going to ask for… to name the field after her: Molly Moo Field at Nissan Coliseum. So a statue I think should suffice.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.