The Importance of Sports According To Titanic

April 16, 2012April 16, 2012 Erin

This past weekend, I saw Titanic in 3D on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking. I had forgotten how cute Leonardo DiCaprio was before he dated Blake Lively, and how I’ve paid to see Titanic more times then the amount of boyfriends I’ve had in my life. Don’t ask for specific numbers, I am a lady.

I had forgotten that Jack taught Rose how to spit like a man. I had forgotten that the mom from Waterboy was a first class passenger on the Titanic. I had forgotten that Bill Paxton was such a great actor. I had forgotten that Jack sketches Rose naked. No I didn’t. No one forgot that. People that haven’t seen Titanic yet haven’t even forgot about that. That is why I have never allowed my parents to see this movie.

Now, what does Titanic have to do with sports? Some girls are like, “Why do we have to care about sports?” Well, this is why. Say you are Rose and your new boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio, just got framed by your ex-fiance. Making it look like he had stolen the Heart Of The Ocean. Then the police on the boat you’re hypothetically on take him down into the bottom of the ship and handcuff him to a pipe. Then this hypothetical ship starts hypothetically sinking. While it’s going down, you are trying to find your new boyfriend. Finally you find him, but he has been handcuffed to a pipe and you can’t find the one silver key amongst all of the brass keys! What do you do next? You go find help. And by find help, you only find an axe. Hey, we’re women. Naturally you take that back to the man that you love and decide the best route to go is to use the axe to cut the chains of his handcuffs.

If Rose would have taken some time to play a little baseball, or softball, she would have been more ready for this moment that she had to keep her eye on the proverbial ball. Jack would have had to worry less about movie magic and he wouldn’t have had to explain to her about how to hold an axe. He would have just said, swing it like you used to on your 8th grade community baseball league.

You never know when you are going to be asked to shoot a basket to keep your PE class from having to run an extra mile. You never know when you will have one chance to throw a football through a tire to win one million dollars. You have no idea when someone will be trying to hijack your car and they make you a deal, that if you can name the top three most winningest golfers of all time, that they will let you off with a good scare and a good story. You never know when swinging a baseball bat -like axe will save your handsome new boyfriend from a slow, painful death.

Oh wait.

He still had that.