Question: What do all these things have in common?
- New York Yankees
- Dane Cook
- People who drive Hummers
- Any Pauly Shore movie
- Metal hangers
- People who wear Ed Hardy
- Dr. Phil
- Cats (the animal, not the musical)
- Cats (the musical, not the animal)
- Global Warming
- Al Gore
- Al Gore and Global Warming
- MP3 players that aren’t iPods
- Sarah Palin
- Dallas Cowboys
- Carson Daly
Answer: These are all things in which it is considered “cool” to hate.
Well, this just in, there is one more thing you can add to this list, as long as you are outside of the 305. Please, give an unwarm welcome to the newest addition to the list of things that are “cool” to hate:
That’s right. For those of you who haven’t heard, LeBron James has signed with the Miami Heat. Did you guys know that? It’s ok, if you didn’t. They really didn’t make a big deal out of what probably should have been bigger news. (I say this with more sarcasm in my words than John Goodman has food on his plate.)
We can all admit that LeBron’s Hour-Long Variety Hour which consisted of 16 cliché questions that we all didn’t care to hear, a few charity kids that obviously didn’t care to be there, and more product endorsements than late night cable was a complete waste of time and was the worst way any decision has been announced… ever.
But we’re not here to talk about how poorly put together that show was or how poorly LeBron handled his departure of his hometown. We’re here to talk about the aftermath. Sure it’s cool to see the natural disaster, but once it’s over, you want to see the aftermath. Like that scene from the movie Independence Day. It’s just cool to see. (Keep in mind this is all hypothetical. We don’t really think natural disasters are cool, nor do we think the aftermath is cool. Basically, I was just referring to disaster movies, like The Day After Tomorrow, Twister, 2012, Volcano, Cloverfield, and Herbie Fully Loaded.)
Let’s start with the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, Dan Gilbert. Well… We all know how upset pissed off he is that LeBron James left his team. You’ve all read his angry letter (and first draft, if you are frequent Korked Bats visitor). So we won’t dwell on this one too long.
Of course, obviously this news has affected more than just Dan Gilbert and the Cavaliers. It’s affected all of Ohio, all Cleveland Cavaliers fans, and others like:
People Who Poop
According to a book I read once, I’m pretty sure this applies to everyone. In that case, everyone can now wipe with an old LeBron James Cavaliers jersey. Well, not an actual jersey, but a roll of toilet paper with old LeBron James Cavaliers jerseys on it. Of course, this roll of toilet paper could be useful for pranksters. Because it’s one thing to get T.P.ed by some wise guys, but it’s another thing to get T.P.ed with some rolls of LeBron James Cavaliers toilet paper!
People who “Witness”-ed LeBron James play 7 years in Cleveland and not win any rings, can now drink their sorrows away with a new beer brewed by Great Lakes Brewing Company. The beer is called “Quitness” to mimic the Nike “Witness” campaign. The beer is a dry hopped India pale ale that leaves a bitter aftertaste in the drinkers mouth. The same bitter aftertaste that LBJ left in his former fans mouths. Great Lakes Brewing Co. only made about 30 gallons of the beer and it sold out in 3 hours last Wednesday, about as long as LeBron’s LeBron James Talks In The Third Person When Talking About LeBron James Show lasted.
I’d probably be lying if I said that the attendance at AA meetings in Cleveland HASN’T skyrocketed in the past week and a half. Heck, I just got done writing above about how a new beer about LBJ’s bitter departure sold out in THREE HOURS! (That’s six episodes of Full House!) However, that’s not the worst of it. On Thursday night, following the Decision Show with LeBron James featuring LeBron’s Ego and the Decision Show Band with special guests Boys and Girls from a Club of America, a 30-year-old from Flint, Michigan got pulled over in Cleveland after drifting over the center line of the road. When questioned by cops about whether or not he was drunk, the driver said he had been drinking because LeBron James decided to play for the Miami Heat and not the Boston Celtics. Yes, Boston Celtics, and yes, we know he wasn’t even considering the Celtics, that’s just how drunk this guy was. The guy ended up blowing a 0.16 (two times the legal limit, but right at the COLLEGE! limit). So now LeBron NOT choosing to play with the Cavaliers OR the Celtics, has gotten not only drunk people depressed, but M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) up in arms as well!
Minor League Baseball Teams
Nobody goes to minor league baseball games. Unless of course there is some ridiculous promotion such as fireworks night. Well, another way to get fans in the seats of a minor league baseball game is to light on fire sports memorabilia of a sports superstar from your town that just recently left in high fashion to another city with greener pastures sandier beaches. That’s exactly what the Mahoning Valley Scrappers are going to do. At their August 5th game, any fan who brings LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers merchandise to the stadium will receive a free Upper Box Seat ticket. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has been invited to the festivities. No word yet if his invitation was written in Comic Sans or not?
As if that massive Minor League Game LeBronfire isn’t enough for pyros, some have gotten a head start on burning their LBJ stuff. If you want to see more videos, there is a collection of burning LBJ stuff here.
Old-School Wrestling Fans
Hate him or not, you must admit, this video is kind of funny. And heck, we never would have gotten this video had he stayed in Cleveland. There’s always a silver lining…
Early last week it was announced that Ron Artest was set to host an anti-LeBron James party for last night in New York. No word as to whether Ron Artest was in attendance at the party or not, but he claims that he was “in no way associated with” the party. Then again, Ron Artest also claims he’s not crazy.
• • •
Of course, LeBron’s Ego Show and decision haven’t affected everyone in a negative way. Some people have benefited from it. Such as:
The Lady Who Bought This Pendant
Some random lady bought this horrific looking pendent at garage sale for $5. Which begs the question why she didn’t spend that Abraham Lincoln on a $5 Footlong from Subway as opposed to buying this hideous excuse for jewelry. However, with all this news about LBJ, the lady decided to take the piece of jewelry (if you want to call it that) to an appraiser. What she learned was that this pendant has 307 real diamonds in it. It has real 14 karat gold and 2.15 carats worth of diamonds making it worth $10,000. Which ironically, is how much the Cleveland Cavaliers are worth now that LeBron is gone.
Here is how Miami radio host Dan LeBetard opened his show the day after LeBron’s announcement:
It hasn’t been confirmed yet if this D.J. is from Miami, but you have to assume that every D.J. in Miami is as excited as this guy: