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Friday, February 14, 2025

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Definitive Power Ranking of Batmobiles

Batman is widely known for being the only superhero without superpowers, but he is the wealthiest superhero which should count as a superpower because he can buy literally anything. Including the sickest cars.

Yesterday, Matt Reeves, the director of The Batman staring Robert Pattinson, tweeted out our first images of the brand new Batmobile, and yowza is it sick.

This car will make your nipples harder Clooney’s bat suit.

It looks like the car that your dad spent years restoring in the shed out behind your house, hoping one day that he would hand it down to you, but he never did because you got in that one fender bender when you were 17.

This might be the first Batmobile with windshield wipers.

And the first Batmobile with turn signals. You don’t want the Caped Crusader making illegal lane changes.

I’m not a huge car guy, but I’ve watched enough Home Improvement to tell that’s a good engine. They don’t build crappy engine’s on the outside of cars. That’s why you never saw exposed engines on the cars from Pimp My Ride. Xzibit and his team would put freaking microwaves and disco balls into beat up 1993 Ford Tauruses, but they wouldn’t spend a second on that car’s busted up engine.

So with this unveil, it got me thinking, where do all of the Batmobiles rank? So I made a list. Let’s get to it…

8. Christian Bale’s Batmobile (2005-2008)

Look, I’m not trying to start any Wars of Gotham here. I know some people just want to watch the world burn. But not me. I think the Chris Nolan Batman movies are the best, but the Chris Nolan Batmobile is the absolute worst. A big part of these power rankings, to me, are based on how easy it would be to park. Could you imagine trying to parallel park this thing?

And if you valet, you’re going to have to pay more for the valet to leave it up front, because you know that pimple-faced teen isn’t going to be able to park it either. I mean, can this thing even fit into one lane on the highway?! Plus, good luck trying to get those tires replaced at a reasonable price. I just had to get four tires on my car replaced and I had to take out a second mortgage on my house to do so. I know Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, but he won’t be after one trip to Firestone.

Click the right arrow for the next one…

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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