The Coltz Lady Team

October 20, 2011 Erin

I had a conversation with an Indianapolis Colts fan today. They didn’t really want to talk too much about the Colts, but it got me thinking about if I hand picked a LADY FOOTBALL team to take over for the 2011 Indianapolis Colts. And since we’re ladies, we’ll change the “s” to a “z.” What’s that? You don’t like this, men? Hey! We could capitalize every other letter and add emoticons to make them the InDy CoLtZ! :) :) :)

Here we go:

Peyton Manning is the Colts quarterback most of the time, but since he is super injured, they called on Father Time to do most of their heavy lifting. Unfortunately again for the Colts, he got super injured too. So now they have that girl from Dear John running their team. But they don’t need a girl. They need a LADY!

My lady pick for the quarterback position is going to have to be:

The ladies need a strong leader. Someone who can carry a career on her shoulders. Someone who can perform at the Grammy’s in sixteen inch heels and still be carrying a small child in her belly. Yes, she is playing with a handicap, but let’s face it, Father Time and Red Riding Hood have their own burdens to bear. (age and starring in crappy movies)

I also need a running back. This needs to be a girl who is scrappy and fast. The first girl that comes to my mind is:

Danica Patrick. Her fast driving skills will most likely translate onto the football field. Right? She will probably ask to play football in a bathing suit and we might let her depending on how badly we are losing.

Ha. I just re-read that last sentence.

Wide receivers are pretty much the same thing as a running back. Except they are a little more chubby. Hence the word, wide. Duh. But they still need to be fast. So, my Coltz Lady Team choice for wide receiver is (don’t take this the wrong way):

Miss Piggy. She’s wide, she’s fast (obviously, I mean, she’s been trying to get with Kermit since Muppet Babies), and she has an ego. She knows that she is all woman. When I asked her if she would be up for the Coltz Lady Team, she literally squealed and quickly agreed. After she left a voicemail for “Kermee” she started running drills.

Tight End? Who should that even be? I can’t seem to think of a lady that would be perfect for this role. Tight Ends play a very special role in the football game, but how am I supposed to pick ONE tight end? I obviously couldn’t be any more sarcastic right now. I know exactly who will play for the Coltz Lady Team as tight end:

Thanks for the help, J-Lo. Don’t be fooled by the blocks that she got, she’s still Jenny with the rocks.

We still need a kicker. Kickers are more important then they seem in the beginning. Just like the lady I have chosen for the head kicker:

A kicker scores a lot of points. You could say it’s a very offensive position. And Lady Gaga wears very offensive outfits. So. There’s that.

Now, I know that there are WAY more defensive positions on football teams, but for now, you only get to see my offensive line. Just know that I am working on a secret weapon just in case the Colts read this and decide to take the Coltz Lady Team out for dinner or if they want to try and win one game this season.

And because girls can’t keep secrets, here is my secret weapon.

The Coltz Lady Team controls the ball. at. all. times. The ball will have a mind of it’s own and that same orange tint that won’t give it away:

Plus, there ain’t no gettin’ around Snooks.