Monday, April 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The Cardinals Have Poopy Pants

What’s that brown stuff on the St. Louis Cardinals’ pants? One Cardinals former player and current team analyst, Jack “The Ripper” Clark, says it’s not dirt, it’s “poopy.” Yes, I said poopy. Well, I didn’t say it, he did. In fact, he further reiterates the fact by following up with, the Cardinals having “skid marks in their britches.”

Here’s the transcript of the audio clip:

“I’m really tired of watching the effort, that’s for sure,” Clark said. “I’m not seeing a lack of (effort) I’m seeing a pathetic effort. These Cards fans deserve much better. That’s just awful. They won’t admit it, that they’re quitters. If you can’t put a better effort out there on the field, take ‘em all out, back up the truck, ship ‘em all out and get somebody in here that wants to play baseball.”

“We’ve got one team here (San Diego) going for the title and we’ve got our team going for the toilet,” he said. “They’ve got poopy in their pants, they’re skidding, they got skid marks in their britches.”

I’m not going to ask how Jack Clark knows about the insides of the Cardinals underpants, but I’ll take his word for it. Heck, that’s the best excuse the Cardinals have for under achieving this season. Let’s be honest, have you ever tried to do a physical activity or play a sport shortly after sharting your pants? It doesn’t feel to comfortable.

Regardless, who cares if the Cardinals are putting more poo on the field other than ole number 5 (Get it? …Pu-jols)? That’s none of our business. You don’t have the right to broadcast it to the masses, Jack. If you doodied your pants, would you want the media to expose you using phrases taken straight from an elementary school playground? Huh? You big cah-cah face!

Just because the Cardinals have players on their team that have names that relate to dropping a dookie, doesn’t mean they all poop their pants.

Skip Poomaker

Chris Crapenter

Albert Poojols

Mike MacDookie

Yadier Poolina

David Peese (when he poops)

Jeff Poopan

Kyle Lohshit

Manager Tony LaPoosa

Candy Inn (your dookie)

Jason LaPoo

Aaron Piles of crap

…you get the idea.

Before we teach the Cardinals to play better baseball, let’s teach them how to poop in toilets. However, once we get them on the toilet, be careful of the reading material you give them. If it’s any St. Louis media or anyone talking about the Cardinals let down, it may hurt their feelings.

You'd make this face if the Major League Baseball team you managed pooped their pants every night.

However, Cards, we’ve all been there. We’ve all been fans of teams that have off years. I can’t say we’ve ever witnessed an entire team simultaneously pooping their pants and continuing to play with them for an entire season before, but I’d be willing to bet we’ve all pooped or sharted our pants before. It’s natural. Don’t let it get to ya.

Alright? Keep your heads held high. There may be nothing left for the 2010 season, but heck, it’s like your good buddies the Chicago Cubs always say, “There’s always next year.”


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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