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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

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The Big Three-Way Call with LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade

The Big 3-Way Call Logo

The following is a phone call between NBA free agents LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade, entitled:

The Big Three-Way Call

[LeBron walks into his kitchen, answers his ringing Samsung cell phone]

LeBron: Hello?

Bosh: [laying on his stomach on top of his made bed, feet kicking in the air, votive candles lit all over the room] Hey cupcake.

LeBron: [sigh] Chris, I’ve asked you to stop calling me that.

Bosh: I’m sorry, bae, but what else do you expect me to call someone as sweet as you?

LeBron: [already annoyed] What do you want?

Bosh: Oh nothing… Just calling to talk. [twirls the phone cord around his finger]

LeBron: Well, listen, I have a lot of meetings scheduled this week, so I’ve got to get going.

Bosh: Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?

LeBron: Listen, Chris… I really don’t have ti..

Bosh: [interrupts] It was totes fun! I was in Houston and had so many activities planned. I had never been to Houston, have you?

LeBron: I mean, we play there at least once a season.

Bosh: [giggles] You’re so funny.

[awkward silence]

Bosh: So, aren’t you going to ask me what activities I had planned in Houston?

LeBron: [begrudgingly] What activities did you have planned in Houston?

Bosh: Oh my heavens! That’s so sweet of you to ask. Well, I was going to go to Houston’s Museum of Fine Arts and maybe the Bayou Bend Collection and Gardens, and possibly if I had time, I was going to do a little shopping at The Galleria. Such a full day right?

LeBron: Sure.

Bosh: Well, guess what?

LeBron: [under his breath] I really don’t care.

Bosh: I got a call.

[awkward silence]

Bosh: Aren’t you going to ask from who?

LeBron: From wh..

Bosh: [interrupts] THE ROCKETS! EEEEEEKKK! I WAS LIKE, O-M-G!

LeBron: [sits up in his chair] Oh yeah? Did they offer you a deal?

Bosh: Duhh! They were like, “You’re so good,” and “You’re so awesome,” and “You don’t really look that much like a dinosaur!” And I was all like, “Uhh yeah! Tell me something I DON’T know!” Then they asked me to meet with them, so I did. Just out of respect, ya know? Plus, I could maybe see myself with them. I don’t know. I mean, what if it’s fate?

LeBron: So did they make you an offer?

Bosh: Yeah. They totes offered me a max deal. Like, they offered me all of the moneys. Like, all of them! I kept my cool on the phone and all, but I was totes freaking on the inside. I was thinking, “Do you know how many shoes you can buy with that kind of money?!” and “Finally, I can get that new pencil skirt I was eyeing at The Limited last week.”

LeBron: What?

Bosh: Huh? I said I could get that new mechanical pencil I was eyeing at… ummm.. Staples.

LeBron: I don’t think that’s what you sai..

Bosh: [interrupts] Aren’t you going to ask me what I told them?

LeBron: I hope it was nothing but “Where do I sign?”

Bosh: [giggles] You are so cute! I can’t get over it. I love how blunt you are. But no, I didn’t say that.

LeBron: What?!

Bosh: I turned it down.

LeBron: Are you crazy?!

Bosh: L-O-L. Sometimes I ask myself that same question. Like, I was like, “What are you doing you dodo-head?! Sometimes I call myself that when I make a bozo decision like that. I call myself dodo-head. But yeah, I was like, well there goes that pencil skir… that mechanical pencil I wanted so badly.

LeBron: Why would you turn that down? No one else is going to offer you a max deal. No one other than maybe the Lakers. After that deal they gave injured Kobe, they’re apparently giving anyone money.

Bosh: Yeah, well. I didn’t want to do it, ok? I have other plans.

[silence]

Bosh: Uhhh… aren’t you going to ask me what my other plans are?

LeBron: [sigh] What are your other plans Chris?

Bosh: I told the Rockets that I didn’t want to play without you.

LeBron: [face palm]

Bosh: I said, you could offer me all of the money in the world, and that couldn’t match the experience of playing alongside LeBron James.

LeBron: Listen, Chris…

Bosh: I said I still feel like there is something between us. I could really feel it. I told them, “Do you think LeBron would pass off the final shot of a close playoff game to just anyone? No. He passes it off to me. And not just because, as a big man, I was inexplicably standing in the corner behind the three-point line.”

LeBron: Actually, Chris, I would pass it off to just about anyone. Just as long as it’s not me taking that shot.

Bosh: I told them, “LeBron and I were meant to be together. Forever.” I said, “There’s a reason I have his initials tattooed on my inner thigh.”

LeBron: I’m sorry.. WHAT?!

Bosh: I told the Rockets, “Listen, you may have the Houston Arboretum & Nature Center, which I’ve heard is a must-see when you’re here. I heard it’s just absolutely beautiful this time of year. I’m totally going to go after we’re done here. It’s probably the perfect spot for an Instagram pic. I totally need a new profile pic.” and… what was I saying?

LeBron: You turned down the Rockets.

Bosh: Oh yeah, I basically told them that no matter what they offered me, they’d never be able to offer me you.

LeBron: Listen, I think you should’ve accepted that deal.

Bosh: Why? Are you signing with the Rockets too? I knew that was going to happen. I could probably call them right back, and tell…

LeBron: [interrupts] No. I’m not signing with the Rockets. What I’m trying to say is…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. He looks down. Phone reads: D-WADE Calling.]

LeBron: Hold on, one sec, Chris. [switches calls]

Chris: [sighs while hugging the phone] I love it when he calls me Chris.

LeBron: Hello?

Wade: [sitting on the back patio of his mansion, overlooking the Miami beach] What’s up ‘Bron? It’s Dwyane.

LeBron: What’s good?

Wade: I was just calling to see if you made a decision yet.

LeBron: Honestly, not yet man. How about you?

Wade: Ha! Yeah man, you know. It’s like all these offers, guys like us gotta sleep on them. Give it some time to mull it over, ya know?

LeBron: Yeah, I feel ya. So you’re getting a ton of offers?

Wade: Oh yeah. [looks down at his phone, inbox reads: “No New Messages”] I mean… uhh… I must’ve already gotten like offers from at least 40-50 teams. It’s crazy.

LeBron: Wait… what?! There’s only 30 teams in the league.

Wade: ….Yeah… yeah… I know… But…. I’m getting like offers from like… Europe and stuff too. Like TONS of offers from Europe and Turkey. Those countries only make offers to the NBA’s most elite players.

LeBron: Turkey?! Isn’t that where Allen Iverson played after his career was washed up?

Wade: Did I say Turkey? I meant Bologna.

LeBron: Ok, now you’re just naming deli meats.

Wade: [abruptly changes the subject] The reason I’m calling is, have you heard from Bosh?

LeBron: Ugh. Yeah. I’m actually on the other line with him.

Wade: [nervously] You are?! You guys… ummm… You two aren’t planning something behind my back are you?

LeBron: No. Are you kidding? Could you imagine me doing anything alone with Bosh?

Wade: [nervous laughter] Ha! No. That guy… amirite?!

LeBron: [laughs] That dude be all like, “I missed you while you were away” and stuff. It’s nuts.

Wade: [more nervous laughter] Ha… Yeah… You don’t like it when he says stuff like that do you? Because I missed you too. Just as much as him. But I’m not all lovey-dovey about it like he is. Am I right?

LeBron: [confused] I mean, it’s a nice sentiment. But I don’t really care one way or another.

Wade: Well, let me know the second you’ve made a decision. THE SECOND!

LeBron: Alright, chill. I will. You know I’ll let you know.

Wade: No, I mean, I want to know before anyone else.

LeBron: Ok. I got it. I gotta run. I have Bosh on the other line.

Wade: TELL ME BEFORE YOU TELL HIM! DON’T KEEP SECRETS FROM ME! I BECAME THE ROBIN TO YOUR BATMAN! I WAS YOUR M…

LeBron: [switches calls] Sorry about that, man.

Bosh: [turns down his stereo that’s blaring Come & Get It by Selena Gomez] Oh it’s no worries, boo. Who was that?

LeBron: It was Wade.

Bosh: [sits up] What?! What did he want?!

LeBron: He was just calling to check in.

Bosh: You two aren’t planning something behind my back are you?

LeBron: No.. Jeeze. Why are you guys so paranoid?!

Bosh: I’m not paranoid. I bet he is though.

LeBron: What was I even saying before I clicked over?

Bosh: That you will never leave me?

LeBron: No… That wasn’t it. But I remember now… Listen, Chris… I feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. He looks down. Phone reads: Text Message from D-WADE.]

LeBron: Hold on one sec.

[LeBron opens the text message. It reads, “Have you made a decision yet?”]

[LeBron types back, “No.”]

LeBron: Sorry about that. What I wanted to say, Chris, was I just feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: Text Message from D-WADE.]

[Text message reads, “What about now? Have you made a decision yet?”]

[LeBron types back, “NO!”]

LeBron: Ok. Chris. I’m just going to say it. I feel like…

[LeBron’s phone beeps: Text Message from D-WADE.]

[Text message reads, “Ok. Just let me know the second you know! THE SECOND! Remember, Bros before Dino’s!”]

LeBron: [growing frustrated] Ugghhhh!

Bosh: [picking up on LeBron’s negative energy] I’m picking up on your negative energy, cupcake.

LeBron: Shut up, Chris!

Bosh: Well… That was rude! What are you going to give me the whole, “It’s not you, it’s me” schtick now?

LeBron: No, actually, it’s not me, it’s YOU! You were awful in the playoffs this past year. Like, even Mario Chalmers thought you looked bad. Plus, I feel like you have some sort of crush on me. I feel entirely uncomfortable around you.

Bosh: Whaaaa?! Crush? That’s crazy. [Bosh slowly sets aside the LeBron James teddy bear he was cuddling with]

LeBron: I just wish you would’ve accepted that deal with the Rockets. Because it’s not going to happen between us. You creep me out and you’re no help in the playoffs.

Bosh: Are you breaking up with me? Is this because I’ve gotten fat?

LeBron: Yes. Wait, no. What?! No! I just told you what this was about!

Bosh: You know what? I think I want to break up. I don’t want to play with you anymore.

LeBron: You’re breaking up with me? I’m breaking up with YOU!

Bosh: Well, too bad. It’s over between us. There. I said it first.

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: D-WADE Calling.]

LeBron: Hold on, Chris!

Bosh: Don’t you tell me to hold on, you big jer… [switches calls]

LeBron: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Wade: Have you made a decision ye…

LeBron: [interrupts] SHUT UP!

[LeBron merges the calls into a 3-way call]

LeBron: LISTEN! BOTH OF YOU!

Bosh: Is Dwyane on here?

Wade: Chris?

Bosh: Hey boo! How are ya?

Wade: I’m goo…

LeBron: [interrupts] I SAID LISTEN!

[Both Wade and Bosh get quiet]

LeBron: THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SINCE THE SECOND I OPTED OUT OF MY CONTRACT YOU TWO HAVE BEEN LIKE LEECHES.

Wade: Dude, I was only calling to see if you had Allen Iverson’s phone number?

Bosh: Can we be something else? Leeches are slimy and yucky…

LeBron: [interrupts] LEECHES! YOU’VE BEEN LEECHES! BOTH OF YOU OPTED OUT OF YOUR CONTRACTS AS WELL, AND I FEEL LIKE WHAT EVER DECISION I MAKE, YOU GUYS WILL MAKE THE SAME DECISION!

Wade: Well, except when it comes to fashion. I like to try my own thing.

Bosh: Yeah, we know, Dwyane. It’s like you let your kids dress you.

Wade: So what if they do?

LeBron: [interrupts] I’VE MADE MY DECISION. I’M GOING BACK TO CLEVELAND.

Wade & Bosh: What?!

LeBron: THAT’S RIGHT. THE TWO OF YOU MAKE CLEVELAND A DESIRABLE DESTINATION!

Bosh: But isn’t that where the owner writes notes in Comic Sans?

Wade: Yeah. It’s like, “Hello? This isn’t a sign posted in the office break room. This is an NBA franchise.”

Bosh: O-M-G! I know, right!

LeBron: I’M HANGING UP NOW. SIGN WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT, JUST AS LONG AS IT’S NOT CLEVELAND.

[LeBron hangs up the phone]

LeBron: Oh my gosh. I can’t stand those guys any more. They are insufferable. I’m exhausted, but so glad that’s over with… Ugh. I better get to bed. It’s getting late.

[LeBron settles in to bed, begins to doze off]

[LeBron’s phone beeps. Phone reads: Text Message from DRAKE.]

[The text message reads, “U up?”]

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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