In a strong effort to increase the female readership of our website (and because I’m married and am usually forced to watch the show), I decided to write a recap of The Bachelorette.
Before you get all hot and bothered that The Bachelorette is in no way tied to sports, and should not be mentioned on a sports blog, I respond by saying, each season, the finale of The Bachelor/Bachelorette is like the Super Bowl for women. Plus, one of the finalists this year was a former professional baseball player.
Please Note: This post contains spoilers. If you haven’t watched the finale, don’t read this yet. But still share it with all your friends, though. Then watch the finale, and then talk about both the finale and this article with your friends after.
In the season finale, The Bachelorette was down to two men. Josh, the brother of former Georgia Bulldogs quarterback Aaron Murray, and Nick, a guy with the maturity level of a pre-pubescent middle school science club member who only joined because his best friend Ronnie told him to.
This year’s bachelorette is Andi. Not Andy or Andrew, but Andi. In fact, Andi has the kind of personality of someone who, when spelling her name, would explain with a little bit of sass that it’s “Andi with an I!” In fact, I’d go as far as to say that Andi seems like the kind of girl who signs all checks and important documents by dotting the I in her name with a heart. Yup, fellas, she’s THAT kind of girl.
Not to mention, I think Andi is played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. But that’s neither here nor there.
So after starting with 25 guys, we’re now down to two. One guy who Andi loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with (read: the next few months before breaking up, because these relationships never work out), and… well… Nick.
The final episode took place in the Dominican Republic. Obviously, they paid ABC for the chance to host this, as every commercial break featured a commercial for Dominican Republic tourism. In fact, Dominican Republic’s tourism slogan is: “It’s All Here.” Well, all except a final rose for Nick, amirite?!
But enough about all that, let’s give a quick run down on the remaining men.
Josh, is a guy’s guy (read: total bro). He is a former professional baseball player who’s younger brother is
about to be cut by now in training camp with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s tall, he’s athletic, he’s got a smile that could melt your heart, and like every guy on The Bachelorette, he’s got the body of a Greek God. I’ll be honest, there really isn’t anything you can knock on Josh about. Except maybe that he’s too charming. If that is something you can knock on someone for. Josh is like if Gaston from Beauty and the Beast wasn’t a douche.
Then there’s Nick.
Listen, don’t get me wrong, Nick seems like a great guy. He does. It’s just… well… He feels more like one of your little sister’s guy friends than husband material. He seems a bit shy. He seems a bit sensitive. Which are both fine. It’s just there is a rather large character flaw that bothered me about Nick.
Nick has trouble talking to girls.
There isn’t anything wrong with that. Millions of men have trouble talking to girls. Even I have trouble talking to girls at times. Heck, I’ve been married nearly two years, and at times, I still have trouble talking to my wife. And it’s not just girls I have a thing for. It’s all girls. That book report I was supposed to give in front of my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Hartman… I failed. I brought my own lunch everyday in high school, just so I wouldn’t have to speak to the lunch ladies. Heck, I still don’t think I’ve ever said a complete sentence around my sister. So let me just say, I know what Nick is going through.
But then again, I didn’t sign up for The Bachelorette.
You signed up for a TV show where the main goal is to talk to one girl better than every other guy.
Nick signing up for The Bachelorette even though he has trouble talking to girls would be like someone who hates camping signing up for Survivor, or or a nudist signing up for Say Yes To The Dress, or someone who is really good at dancing signing up for Dancing With The Stars. It just doesn’t fit in with the theme of the show.
Every time Nick would be one-on-one with Andi he would struggle with his words. Like, what was with that awkward conversation on the beach a few weeks ago? Or even in the finale, when Andi was sitting up straight and he was nuzzled into the sofa. Even Andi admitted Nick would ramble a little too much. It was like he was a freshman in high school trying to talk to the captain of the cheerleading squad.
It was very evident who Andi was going to pick.
Then the tell-tale signs proved it to be true.
Andi took the two men (read: the one man and 6th grader) on one final date.
Josh was up first. Andi met him and his form-fitting pocket tank top for a day full of yacht picnicking. Andi was wearing what appeared to be a shower curtain with nothing but a bikini underneath. The two canoodled on the front of a yacht that is nearly as expensive as Josh’s annual hair gel budget. They would kiss and touch each other in places that wouldn’t be allowed in the halls of a private Catholic school. Then they jumped in the water and swam, like two dolphins on a Lisa Frank Trapper-Keeper. It was magical.
Later that evening, Josh and Andi drunkenly flirted on the sofa together. Josh presented Andi with a note and her very own baseball card (in case you forgot he used to play professional baseball), complete with her stats. Like height, weight, and number of guys she has slept with. It was really romantic. Really romantic until I looked up her baseball card in my Beckett’s Book and found out its only worth .06¢. Ugh. What a waste. If you have the limited edition Andi Bachelorette card, I suggest trading it. Maybe try and get a David Eckstein or Casey Blake out of it.
Even though Josh is a southern boy, it was clear he doesn’t share the same values as previous Bachelor Sean and totally took up the opportunity for a night in the Fantasy Suite. Probably not the first time Josh has seen fireworks after a day full of playing the field. (That was a reference to the fact that Josh plays baseball, in case you forgot he used to play professional baseball.)
Then after the much needed commercial break to bring us down from such a romantic high (not to be confused with a romantic Hy, which is just Andi’s dad wearing a silk robe, in a room full of scented candles), it was time for Nick’s date.
If there was an exact opposite of the feelings you felt while watching Josh’s date, it was the feelings you felt while watching Nick’s date.
Andi showed up wearing shorts and top that said, “This was the only think in my closet that wasn’t wrinkled.” The two met and almost immediately hopped into a Jeep. That right there should have been a dead giveaway. Andi took Josh on a romantic and relaxing date where they could touch and kiss and giggle, whereas Andi took Nick on a date full of activities. Heck, I’m surprised Andi didn’t just take Nick to the mall to go shopping with her before leaving Nick at the food court when Josh drove up in his Grand-Am blaring Van Halen.
During Andi and Nick’s Jeep ride, I imagine Nick kept trying to talk to Andi about his Pokemon card collection, but Andi just kept interrupting by saying, “Let’s see what’s on the radio,” as she turned up the volume. You know she knew by this point that she was picking Josh and just going through the motions with (read: babysitting) Nick.
So after a while, Nick and Andi pull up to what appeared to be a Boy Scout Camp. They set out a blanket on a clearing of dirt, and they talked. And by talked I mean, Andi sat there checking her watch while Nick tried to piece together coherent sentences. All the while, the two of them were slapping their neck, arms, and legs, as I’m sure they were getting eaten up by mosquitos. So much so, that Andi was like, “Let’s jump in that river. I don’t want to get any diseases.” So they did. And for the sake of people changing the channel due to awkwardness, ABC went to commercial.
When the show returned, Andi and Nick began their evening together. Andi, again wearing white pants (even though I’m pretty sure this was shot after Labor Day), and a blue top that she has probably had for years. She’s saving her new clothes for nights out with Josh.
The two sat down a few feet away from each other, and since Nick has no adult social cues, he began talking. But as he talked, he nuzzled his head into the sofa cushion, because I’m sure he was a “tyawd whittle boy.” Andi just kinda sat there, probably not paying attention. In fact, I’m sure she was putting together a list of errands she had to run the next day together in her head, or whatever it is girls do when they’re with a boy they’re about to dump. I’m sure Andi was zoned out until Nick brought up something about a present. Then she perked up. Nick pulled out a box. What is it? Andi slowly opened up the box. “Ohhhh nice! A necklace that I’m never going to wear again after tonight! How sweet! Thank you, Nick!” Nick proudly sat up. “I made it all by myself,” Nick proclaimed. “It’s made of yarn that my mom had and macaroni. It’s because I love you as much as I love macaroni and cheese!” Andi smiled, patted his head and said, “You’re adorable. Now, did you happen to get a gift receipt with this? So I can return it after I dump you?” The two then shared an evening in the Fantasy Suite together. A night in which Nick probably kissed a girl for the first time, and Andi felt like she was doing him a favor, and that never in a million years would this night be brought up publicly on national TV for millions of viewers to find out about.
The next day rolls around. Andi walks out in her nighty that’s probably just a bit too sexy to be wearing on a walk outside when ABC cameras AREN’T filming you. Then we cut to multiple shots of Josh and Nick opening their bedroom windows, brushing their teeth, and completing other routine morning tasks all without a shirt on. Because the first rule of The Bachelorette, guys are not allowed to wear shirts when they’re alone in their rooms. The next 15-25 minutes of the show were just shots of Andi, Josh, and Nick sitting in modeling poses “thinking” about life and love and other stuff the producers probably told them to think about.
Then we see Josh, alone in his room, get up to answer his door. Who could it be? Oh, no biggie. It’s just Neil Lane. There to drop off a ring that’s more expensive than Josh’s professional baseball contract. (That analogy was made to remind you that Josh used to play professional baseball.)
Then we see Nick, alone in his room, coloring in a coloring book and drinking chocolate milk through a sippy cup. He gets a knock on his door. As he goes to open the door, Nick is thinking, “Alright! Neil Lane is here to drop off a ring that’s….WHAAAAAAAA?!?!?!”
Annoyingly long commercial break.
Andi walks into the room. She’s like, “Remember how you were once engaged and then you broke it off? Well, prepare to feel deja vu!” Nick fights back the tears, “Well… Well…. I didn’t like you ANYWAYS! You’re a poop face.” The two of them talk for a bit. Nick trying extremely hard not to cry, and Andi trying extremely hard to cry… because, you know, national TV cameras.
After an awkward ten minute breakup, Nick gets up to walk Andi to the door. As they opened the door, Neil Lane is standing there with his briefcase of engagement rings. “Is this a bad time?” Neil asks.
So Nick gets sent home. We watch him pack his bags (read: his mom pack his bags), walk slowly to the car, get strapped into his booster seat, and recite the cliché “I just got broken up with on national TV” statements.
Yadda, yadda, yadda… Let’s get to the final rose ceremony.
Josh walks out. He looks great (aside from the fact that he had both buttons of his suit jacket buttoned. What’s with that?) Andi is all like, I choose you. Then Josh began his proposal. He started by saying, “After my first love, baseball, broke up with me,” in case you forgot he used to play professional baseball, “I was forced to move on to women.” He then went on-and-on about how he loved her since the beginning, which was probably awkward for Andi considering she loved like Josh and probably at least 17 other guys since the beginning, but I digress. Josh pulled out a ring with a diamond that was nearly big enough to have Tierra’s sparkle in it. He then continued to remind us all that he used to play professional baseball by saying, “I want to only HIT on you for the rest of my life,” and “I only want to make it to THIRD BASE with you for the rest of my life,” and “I only want to be injected with STEROIDS by you for the rest of my life.” It was so cute. It was as if he was her Michael ‘Squints’ Palledorous, and she was his Wendy Peffercorn.
So then Josh and Andi live happily ever after…
…or do they?!
Chris Harrison decides to drop one little bomb before the commercial break. He explains that Nick isn’t over Andi (duh) and has tried to contact her multiple times since the taping of the show. Creepy much? Chris explained that Andi has ignored all contact, but will be forced to meet face-to-face for the first time since their awkward encounter with Neil Lane.
After the longest commercial break ever, we see that, although he wasn’t in the show, Nick flew out to Los Angeles for the Men Tell-All episode just to try and see Andi. She denied his request to talk, so Nick left her a note.
We never got a chance to see what the note said, but lucky for you, Korked Bats obtained a copy of that note. You can now see it exclusively for the first time, below:
Cut now to present day, the live After The Final Rose special. Nick walks out and pours his heart out to Chris Harrison. He mumbles to Chris Harrison like Chris is a girl or something, and then after a lot of rambling, they finally bring out Andi. Awkward turtle, indeed. Andi and Nick begin talking. Nick asks, “Did you ever love me?” and Andi, with her fiancé Josh probably taking some cuts in a batting cage backstage, says, “No I never loved you.” Then, while playing with his fingers and not having enough courage to look up, Nick mumbles, “Then why…. Umm….why…. Uh…. Um… Then why…. If you never loved me, then why would you….why…. Umm….uh…. [clears throat]… Why…. I don’t see why you would…. Why you would…. Ummm… Then why did you…. Ummm… Uhhh… Ahem… Why did you…. Mmmm…. Why did you…. make love to me?”
Gasps from the audience and the world of viewers watching from home. It was as dramatic as that time when the Bayside High gang crashed Lisa Turtle’s mom’s car after driving home drunk from a party. It was like, “Well, where do we go from here?”
Andi said, “Wow. That was below the belt.”
Which, technically speaking, she was right. It WAS below the belt, if you know what I mean? Hubba, hubba!
She then went on to get snappy at poor little Nick. She got mad at him for bringing up their private life on national TV, by pretty much saying, “Why didn’t you try to reach out to me multiple times since the taping of our break up? Or, AT VERY LEAST, fly all the way out to Los Angeles for the taping of the Men Tell-All episode so we could talk about this in private and not bring it up in front of the whole country?!”
It would’ve been awesome if, shortly after Nick dropped that bomb, it turned into that scene from Stanley Kubrick’s Spartacus. Only instead of every man standing up proclaiming, “I am Spartacus,” every guy stood up and asked, “Then why did you sleep with me too, Andi?” Because you KNOW Andi bumped uglies with at least 12 guys on that show. Including Chris Harrison. And the camera guy, Steve.
After the whole Nick fiasco, Josh came out, while all the women in the audience yelled, “Woooo!”, touched up their lipstick, and hoped for a miracle. Josh and Andi cuddled up close. They talked about what life has been like since taping. They explained how they blatantly broke ABC’s confidentiality rules and snuck over to each other’s houses wearing wigs, hats, and sunglasses. Ironically, Nick also snuck over to Andi’s house multiple times wearing wigs, hats, and sunglasses. Nick is now required by law to stay 500 feet away from Andi at all times.
Josh and Andi continued to cuddle and be cute, Josh reminded us a few more times that he used to play professional baseball, and then ABC dropped a huge twist on us. They brought out Grumpy Cat for some unknown reason. It was like at the end of a party and the host clearly doesn’t want everyone to leave yet, they wheel out one last thing to try and get everyone to stay just a little bit longer. A lot of times it’s Jenga or CatchPhrase. But everyone is tired. No one wants to play Catchphrase and no one cares about Grumpy Cat.
In fact, the only reason we kept our TV’s on this long was to see who the next Bachelor would be…
Chris Harrison shared a preview for
The Real World Cancun Bachelor In Paradise.
Then he thanked everyone.
Then he said goodbye.
Then credits rolled.
Then my late local news came on.
They didn’t announce who the next Bachelor will be. What gives? I guess ABC just felt like they should for Austin to give his opinion on his comedic sports blog, Korked Bats, first. So here it goes.
Here is who I think should be the next bachelor on The Bachelor – Season 127:
I think Nick should be the next Bachelor. Mainly because it would be entertaining watching him not talking to 25 single women.
The women would be like, “So… You like playing with trains?” as Nick keeps his head down smashing two toy trains head-on with each other.
That concludes Korked Bats’ The Bachelorette Season Finale Recap. Seacrest out.
All images courtesy of ABC.
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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff
Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats