The Astros Have Fired Their Trash Can

HOUSTON — Sources close to the matter claim the Houston Astros are relieving their trash can of his duties today.

Per Major League Baseball’s investigation, the trash can played an integral part in the Houston Astros’ elaborate sign stealing set up as players would bang on the trash can

This now marks the fourth firing within the Houston Astros organization over the last week, joining manager A.J. Hinch, general manager Jeff Lunhow and the literal firing of Mike Fiers jerseys, which apparently are very flammable.

One player, who asked to remain anonymous right after asking for a step stool to stand on, said, “I will really miss working with that trash can. He was more than just a bin of waste. He helped me in my game so much.”

Shortly after, that player had to quickly hop off his step stool and leave the room because his body started vibrating.

The trash can started working with the Astros almost 10 years ago when it was simply known as a mere waste bin, but over the years, it grew to become a respected member of the Astros coaching staff, improving many guys batting averages and home run numbers.

One player said the trash can was like the opposite of a player in the sense that he would rarely get banged on the road, but rather would be hit on all the time at home.

The trash can could not be reached for comment, but friends of his have said that he feels like total garbage, and now that he’s out of work, he feels completely empty inside.

It is unclear right now whether or not the Astros will sign another trash can or just go the route of 28 other MLB teams and not cheat.