The 2020 Korked Bats Best Picture Awards

It’s the classic trope; anytime a nominee is asked on the red carpet at any awards show, “How do you feel about your chances?” The answer almost always is “It’s an honor simply to be nominated.” C’mon… We all know they’re lying. All they’re thinking about is what they are going say if they win. Just go back to the image of Michael Keaton in 2015 having to put his pre-written Oscar speech for his performance in Birdman back into his coat pocket when Eddie Redmayne was announced as the winner. No one saw it coming. The people’s Batman was cleaning up at all the other award shows and was a lock to win. 

Michael Keaton isn’t honored simply to be “nominated”. Michael Keaton plays for keeps.

The truth is though, as much as that answer annoys us when we hear it, it IS a massive accomplishment to be nominated for an Academy Award. When I look at this year’s crop of nominees for Best Picture I can easily say that it is a toss-up as far as who will take home the biggest prize in cinema. This is easily the strongest list of Best Picture nominees in the past 5 years… possibly even the past decade. So in light of this, I thought it would be appropriate to give each of this year’s nominated films their own specific Best Picture award. So without further a-do, let me introduce the winners of the 2020 Korked Bats Best Picture Awards. Because the only thing better than being nominated if you don’t win is receiving a participation trophy. I would know… I’ve never won anything.

Quick Disclaimer: This post is intended to be spoiler-free, but there might be a few subtle story disclosures that may seem new if you haven’t seen or heard about some of these films.

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And the Award for Excellence in Dismantling the Patriarchy goes to…

Little Women

Trigger Warning: Greta Gerwig might be one of if not the best filmmakers in Hollywood today, so you can check your toxic masculinity at the door. This is only her second feature in the director’s chair; her first being 2017’s Lady Bird (my favorite film of that year). What sets this film apart from Lady Bird is that it’s much more of an ensemble piece. Every single actor in this film is remarkable. Saorise Ronan is a perfect Jo March (eat your heart out Winona Ryder); Timothee Chalamet needs to be arrested for petty theft. That dude steals every seen he’s in; Laura Dern = mega-BAE (more on that later); Florence Pugh and Hermoine Granger support effortlessly and Eliza Scanlen hits a home run in her role as Beth. Oh by the way, this movie also features Tracy Letts, Chris Cooper and up-and-comer Meryl Streep in supporting roles. The ability of Gerwig to juggle all of these pieces and pace the movie so well is a testament to her skill. She also puts so much heart into the story and you can’t help leaving the theater feeling empowered. To the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: don’t think for a second we’re going to forget you overlooking Greta this year for a Best Director nomination. You dun messed up.

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The Mel Brooks Award for Achievement in Eviscerating Nazi’s goes to…

Jojo Rabbit

If you are unfamiliar with the work of Taika Waititi, you had best go and educate yourself. He’s the man behind What We Do in the Shadows, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, and my favorite movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe Thor: Ragnarok. Waititi himself plays Jojo’s imaginary friend Adolf Hitler and when he was asked by Indiewire if he did any research to play that role, he had the perfect response. Unfortunately, I can’t quote him here because the language he uses might make some people blush, but you can follow the link yourself if you feel so inclined. 

To Play Hitler in ‘Jojo Rabbit,’ Taika Waititi Did Zero Research Because the Guy Is a ‘F*cking C*nt’

The film is billed as an “anti-hate satire” and does such a wonderful job of highlighting the absurdity of Nazism. At the same time, the film puts us in a position of sympathizing with people (in particular, Jojo) who grow up indoctrinated into a culture of hate and how interacting with people who are different than one’s self can lead to understanding and acceptance. It’s heartbreaking at points, but it’s packed with so much humor and heart that you walk away feeling somewhat hopeful for humanity. Definitely not a film I would recommend if you lean alt-right.

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The award for Best Picture To Watch on a Plane In 2020 goes to…

Ford v Ferrari

I’ll be honest, I think this was the most surprising nomination for Best Picture this year. There are a handful of films that could’ve taken this spot that were released in 2019. It’s the movie equivalent of a coffee table book you would put in your man-cave; it looks great, it’s full of vintage cars, it revolves around sports, but it’s probably not a book you’re reading if you had two and a half hours to kill. It’s directed by boy-movie veteran, James Mangold, who also helmed Logan and Walk the Line. I certainly don’t think this is a bad movie, but I think ultimately this will be one that gets lost in time. To it’s credit it definitely made me want to drive my rental Nissan Sentra like I was Dale Earnardt Jr.

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The award for Best Incel Date Movie goes to…

Joker

Easily Todd Phillips’ most depressing film since The Hangover Part 3. Aside from Joaquin Phoenix’s outstanding performance and haunting score by Hildur Guðnadóttir, a lot of this movie is very derivative of Scorsese films like Taxi Driver and The King of Comedy. More importantly, this film answered a question that has plagued me for years: What do clowns do when they’re off the clock? I was disappointed to find the answer is horrifying at best. It also sent me on a real weird clown video tangent on YouTube. I would not recommend doing the same if you want to sleep at night. Perhaps the most exciting aspect of Joker is trying to guess what social/political issue Joaquin Phoenix will address during his Best Actor acceptance speech. He’s already touched on climate change and the need for more diverse hiring in Hollywood, but here are the odds according to Vegas:

• Animal treatment in the AG industry (-350)
• Immigration (+275)
• Greta Gerwig getting snubbed for an Oscar nomination (+450)
• Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself (+1000)

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The Subversion of Expectations Award goes to…

1917

You’ve probably heard a lot this Oscar season about how groundbreaking 1917 is for being filmed like it was all shot in one take. I am here to tell you that is NOT why this movie is so remarkable. The director, Sam Mendes (who wants you to remember he directed Skyfall and forget he directed Spectre), was able to accomplish two things that no one in the history of film has ever done: One, he made a war movie that is less than 2 hours long! Secondly, he made a movie about World War 1; the red-headed step-sibling of World War 2–it’s cool younger sibling who everyone in school likes more and always has a story they feel the need to tell you about. The only other movie I can think of involving World War I was Legends of the Fall and that was more about how HAWT early 90’s Brad Pitt was. I could climb up those flowing, sumptuous, blonde locks as if I was rescuing Rapunzel from her tower, but I digress.

PSA: This film has a Hot Priest from Fleabag sighting… consider yourselves warned, ladies.

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The award for Best Picture Directed by Greta Gerwig’s Boyfriend goes to…

Marriage Story

Noah Baumbach’s character study of Kylo Ren and Black Widow’s marriage falling apart quite possibly gives us the most uplifting film about a divorce since Mrs. Doubtfire. Another film on this list where every actor, top to bottom, knocks it out of the park. Adam Driver, in my eyes, is the best pound-for-pound actor today; Scar-Jo churns out her most meaningful performance to date; Laura Dern is still mega-BAE; and it’s rounded out with performances from Alan Alda and Ray Liotta. Now I will admit, divorce is a topic that can bring up a lot of hard memories for people, but really the most depressing part of Marriage Story is Adam Driver’s apartment. That one hit a little too close to home for me. I was living in a hell of fake plants, hand-me-down furniture and motel quality art in my 20’s and if divorce brings me back to that, shoot, I pray I never get divorced.

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The award for Best Picture to Showcase Brad Pitt Shirtless goes to…

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

I feel like I need to disclose a few things before I get into this one. Unlike most other people in the white-male-18-to-35 demographic I really am not the biggest fan of Quentin Tarantino. I’m the type of guy who would go as far to say that Jackie Brown is my favorite movie of his. I have been told that this makes me “a loser”. So all in all, I honestly had a hard time buying into liking Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Another unpopular opinion of mine is that Brad Pitt is not a big draw for me as an actor, but hot-damn is that dude cool. If this were a two-and-a-half hour movie of a shirtless Brad Pitt smoking cigarettes, fixing antennas and driving around in vintage cars I’d probably watch it. Get Greta Gerwig to direct it, and I might put it in my top 10 movies of all time.

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The award for Best Picture to Sit in Silence and Watch With Relatives goes to…

The Irishman

This film is Martin Scorsese’s magnum opus for his twilight years. With a run time of 3 hours and 30 minutes, it’s the perfect film to put on in an effort to kill time on a quiet Christmas or Thanksgiving afternoon. Grandpa can take a nap, Dad can enjoy De Niro, Pacino, and Pesci put on a masterclass, and you can do a deep dive into Jimmy Hoffa conspiracy theories on your phone as you educate that millennial mind of yours. It’s quality family time at it’s best. The great thing about Scorsese is that he is a master at pacing long films in such a way to where you never really lose interest (2016’s Silence being the only glaring exception) and can make 3 hours feel like 90 minutes. By the time you’re done with the film you’ll be ready for another round of enjoying generous pours of wine while everyone argues politics at the dinner table.

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And finally, the “I Can’t Explain It, You Just Have to See it” Spirit-Award goes to…

Parasite

There has been a whole lot of flip-flopping and arguing with myself as to which film of this year’s nominees is truly the best. As we close in on the Oscars, I do think that ultimately Parasite is the film that deserves to take home the top prize. It’s a film that’s so good, you’ll be more than willing to read subtitles for two hours. It’s also so much more than just a movie about class structure and how two families become linked, which I believe is a paraphrase of the current synopsis on Metacritic. If it wins, it will be the first foreign language film to take home best picture at the Oscars. That is unless you count people speaking with Boston accents as a foreign language–then it’s Spotlight or The Departed. This movie has also expanded my mind and introduced me to the concept of toilets on a raised platforms in basement apartments… for better or worse, I still can’t get that image out of my head. Other than that, there’s really nothing else I would want to discuss about this film because it was truly a thrill to go into it not knowing what I was getting myself into. I’d say it ranks 3 on my list of things you want to go into blind behind haunted houses and catching a flight. It makes for a more memorable experience if you’re under-prepared for it.

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This post was written by Kenny Ashton.

Kenny is the co-host of The CineBoiz Podcast which officially launches in late-February. Be sure to follow the podcast @TheCineBoiz on Instagram and Twitter now so when it officially drops, you can be in on that ish early.