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Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

The 2009 Korkie Awards

2009 is over. Wow. I feel like it just started… twelve months ago. But still. It went by fast… Not any faster than any other year (excluding leap years). But still.

Our blog has seen a lot of changes since January 1st. We used to be Corked Bats and changed to Korked Bats. We used to have 2 writers and now have 5. With help from our readers we were able to get our very own Korked Bats Radio Show. And to cap off a great year, ESPN’s SportsNation named us their Site Of The Day on December 11th. It was fun. But we expect 2010 to be even better. We have been talking about it for a long time, but are finally starting to take strides towards moving our site to KorkedBats.com (stay tuned).

But enough of us tooting our own horn, we want to focus on the best (and worst) of 2009. Which is why we are introducing the first annual Korkie Awards. Leave us a comment below if you agree of disagree with any of the awards or if you feel like we forgot one. Or if you have a category that should be added, comment and let us know!

So here they are, the first annual Korkie Awards!
Best Patriotic Moment We Forgot About

Joey Chestnut Winning Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Nothing says America more than obesity. Nothing says obesity more than eating contests. Thank you, Joey Chestnut for showing us how to become obese faster.
Best Scandal That
We Forgot About
The Rick Pitino Fiasco
Rick Pitino should send Tiger Woods a thank you card. Before Tiger wrecked his car pulling out of his driveway, Rick had the craziest sex scandal in the sports world (and that’s saying a lot due to how many sex scandals we had this year in sports.)

Fattest Unemployed Coach
Mark Mangino
Another example of coaches mistreating their players. Mike Leach got fired for putting one of his players in a closet for a few hours. kU’s Mark Mangino got fired for EATING one of his players.

Oldest Unemployed Coach
Bobby Bowden
At least Bobby Bowden has one thing to look forward to… early retirement! Errr, well, late early retirement, I guess? He’s older than most people.

Ugliest Son of an
Unemployed Coach
Charlie Weis Jr.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for recently fired Notre Dame head coach, Charlie Weis, he has to come home to this.

Best Looking Tiger Woods Mistress
#9 Loredana Jolie
Number Nine, Loredana Jolie, is by far the most, only attractive mistress Tiger had. However, anyone is a step up from the work of his father. YIKES!

Best “What the?!” Moment
Brett Favre Comes Out Of Retirement… Again
When Brett Favre retired back in February, I refused to write a tribute post about him until August when it would be made official that he was retired. Good thing I didn’t waste my time. He has since sparked other people to do the same.

Best “Heavyweights”
Movie Moment
This F-1 Road Race
“Wow, go karts! How many times can you go on the go karts?”
“As much as you want, Gerry. But be careful, they can be addicting. Ha!”
(Gerry shows a grinning smirk while being squeezed by his dad who looks a lot like Dr. Phil.)
This shot is from an F-1 Road Race earlier this year and it eerily resembles the scene at the end of Heavyweights when Gerry truly believed he could fly.

Second Best “Heavyweights”
Movie Moment
These Girls Running On The Boise State Of Tracks
It’s nearly impossible to beat the kids from Camp MVP. “They can keep their washboard stomachs AND their oily muscles I don’t want ’em!”

Highest Career Moment
Michael Phelps Smoking Weed
Michael Phelps’ bong extravaganza ended getting him suspended from the US Swimming Team for 3 months. That’s 3 months of relaxation from swimming for him. I’m sure he enjoyed it.

Karate Fighter Who
Looks Most Like
Shawn William Scott
This Guy
Who knew Stiffler was good at karate? Although, maybe that’s a girl in blue.

Most Embarrassing
GQ Photoshoot
Tim Tebow’s GQ Photoshoot
I wouldn’t be surprised if Tebow actually practiced like this, in football pants and no shirt. This photo shoot helps to explain why Urban Meyer is so sad that he is leaving. Tebow won this Korkie, barely beating Mark Sanchez.

Most Embarrassing
Tila Teqila and Shawne Merriman
You’d be lying if you said you didn’t say, “Wait… Shawne Merriman is dating Tila Tequila?!” when news broke that she was allegedly choked by her then boyfriend Shawne. This helped to solidify the fact that Shawne’s Shot at Love had ended.

Most Secondary
NCAA Violations
Lane Kiffin
What would a Korked Bats post be without an easy shot at Lane Kiffin? Numerous rookie mistakes by the Volunteer’s head coach has given us a lot to talk about on our site this year.

Most Severe
Case of PMS

Worst Cartoon
Character Name
Foghorn Leghorn
I wish I was at the Loony Toons pitch meeting for this character: “Ok, I’ve drawn this human sized chicken that has a stuttering problem. I have narrowed my choices for a name down to Foghorn Leghorn or Figlip Biglip.”

Best Dog Fighting
Criminal To Get A
Second Chance In The NFL
Michael Vick
There really isn’t anyone else who could have won this Korkie.

Fastest Name Usain Bolt
The guys name is Usain Bolt. Usain sounds like Insane. Bolt is like lightning. So basically his name is American for Insane Lightning. That is one. Fast. Name.

Fastest Person Usain Bolt
This picture says it all. He can run 100 meters in under 9.6 seconds. I can’t even get off the sofa in under 9.6 seconds.

Lowest I.Q. To
Rushing Yards Ratio
Chris Johnson
As of December 31st, 2009, Chris Johnson is 128 yards away from becoming only the 6th player in NFL history and he’ll be the 1st player in NFL history to have an I.Q. lower than his yards per carry. (5.8 yards per carry this season)

Most Deceiving Tattoo The Tattoo On This Girl
Words aren’t necessary for this award/picture combo.

Best Game UConn vs. Syracuse in the Big East Tournamnet
Last year the Big East had by far the best college basketball in the country and two of it’s top teams faced off in an instant classic. Tied at the end of regulation, the game went on to go to 6 overtimes! Each team had numerous players foul out and the only option left was walk ons. To read our post about this epic battle click here.

Most Random
Championship MVP
Hideki Matsui
With a lineup that includes Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Mark Teixeira, and Johnny Damon and a pitching rotation that includes C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Andy Pettitte. The guy who wins World Series MVP is Hideki Matsui?!

Most Hated Kid On
A College Campus
Adam James
The son of ESPN College Football Analyst Craig James, is the player who was allegedly locked in a dark electric closet for 3 hours after being ruled out of practice with a concussion which eventually led to the firing of Texas Tech’s head coach Mike Leach, who was without question the most successful coach Texas Tech has EVER had. Next time you get locked in a closet by your successful head coach, just keep it to yourself.

Best Sports
YouTube Video

Best Movie Zombieland
Ok, I’ll admit, this wasn’t the BEST movie of the year, but it was pretty gosh darn funny! This movie flew under the radar big time. This movie also taught me it’s time to nut up or shut up!

Best Movie You
Probably Haven’t Seen
This movie had it all… Well, all but action and adventure. And musical. And foreign film. Ok, it didn’t have it all, but it DID have comedy, romance, comedy, and “Rock Me Amadeus” by Falco.

Best Movie According
To Everyone Else
I haven’t seen this movie yet. But from what everyone has Tweeted, it’s amazing. I was also told to see it in IMAX 3-D. So, if you’re like me and haven’t seen it yet, come see it with me in IMAX 3-D.

Best Sports Blog That Nobody Reads
Korked Bats
We’re honored to win this award… We think.

Thank you all for reading Korked Bats. We honestly do appreciate it. Nothing we have accomplished in 2009 could have been possible with out our readers. We honestly appreciate it more than we can type. We look forward to making 2010 an even better year with more great accomplishments.

Have a
Happy New Year
and Be Safe!


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


4 thoughts on “The 2009 Korkie Awards

  • Avatar
    January 1, 2010 at 11:29 am


  • Avatar
    January 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Моя история из жизни: мы как-то с мамой ехали в маршрутке,( мама спец по всем видам мяса на глаз определяет что это), на остановке залазит подвипывший мужик с куском свежака в одноразовом пакете. Едем. Маршрутка резко тормозит,мужик по инерции бежит вперед и пакет рвется ,оттуда выпадет свежак ,дальше мамины слова- " Мужчина,у вас вымя выпало!" я медленно сползаю под сиденье , пассажиры ржут, мужик красный – выбегает на следующей остановке :)))


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