Tackling the NFL’s Safety Issues

April 6, 2012April 6, 2012 Bryce

Because the NFL is dealing with 1.2 million complaints (and 4.3 million tweets) per day concerning the Saints Bounty Scandal, it’s time to re-think how we play football in America.

In all seriousness, the NFL has a huge problem on its hands. Bill Simmons made an excellent point yesterday that it isn’t about coaches encouraging players to kill each other on the field, it’s about the fact that players are bigger, faster, and stronger than ever. Human beings weren’t meant to collide at such high speeds. The bigger problem is, to truly fix this problem, the NFL shouldn’t impose more fines and create more rules. They may very well have to change the nature of the game itself…

In all non-seriousness, this is what the NFL should do about it:

Make helmets from the same material the Michelin man is made of (right). Puffy foam? Great. Marshmallows? Even better.
For every two steps NFL players sprint, make them move in slow motion for three steps. Not quite sure how to implement this. But it’s something to consider.
All linebackers must wear roller skates with one of the four wheels missing.
Place electric dog collars on all defensive players, then create a force field bubble around the quarterback (you can still sack our QB, it’s just going to sting YOU a little).
All players must wear Sockem Boppers (below) instead of gloves.

Shoulder pads will be replaced with memory-foam pillows (let’s deal with players’ memory loss issues at the source). Plus, they could jump up and down on their pads without spilling their wine.
Astroturf and field turf will be replaced with old, sweaty mats from your junior high gym class (for obvious reasons like absorption, durability, nostalgia, and diseases).
Helmets will be outfitted with the same technology that exists in newer cars… whenever something undetected is approaching the rear, a faint beeping noise will alert the QB’s (yes, I realize I could have made an “approaching the rear” joke there, but this is a family-friendly web site).
Airbags will be installed into all chest-protection padding (side-curtain air bags are expected in the next 6-8 months).
Under-Armor mouthpieces will be designed with kevlar (you must protect this MOUF!)