Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

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Syracuse Claims Aliens Stole Their Ability To Play Basketball

Space Jam Nerdlucks
This is the police artist’s renderings of the self-proclaimed Nerdlucks, the criminal aliens who stole Syracuse’s basketball ability.

SYRACUSE, NY — After beginning the season 25-0, the Syracuse Orange men’s basketball team has lost four of their last five games. Now many Syracuse starters are claiming that a group of criminal aliens, who call themselves Nerdlucks, came to earth to steal their basketball playing ability.

“Nothing is confirmed yet, but I assure you, we’re looking into the possibility,” Syracuse Athletic Director Daryl Gross said. “I’ve actually heard of this happening before, so we need to be extremely careful. كيف تربح المال من النت

Gross continued, “To think that some heartless creature would do this to our young and ambitious student athletes. It makes me sick. They’re monstars.”

To be safe, Syracuse has decided to put their players through a series of medical and psychological tests to determine where their basketball abilities went.

“This sucks,” Syracuse Freshman PG Tyler Ennis said. “I was told I wouldn’t have to that as long as I am a popular student athlete, I wouldn’t have to take any tests in college. Carmelo lied.”

Many experts are claiming that the idea of criminal aliens, called Nerdlucks, coming to earth to steal basketball talent is actually “more common than you’d think.” David Tressel, a UFO truther, tried explaining their reasoning for coming and admitted that there could be a few different reasons why this occasionally happens.

“Sometimes, the aliens descend upon earth looking for basketball skills because their boss’s amusement park is facing foreclosure, so they’re sent to kidnap cartoon characters. However, when said cartoon characters don’t want to go, they challenge the aliens to a game of basketball. The aliens accept, leading them to steal the talents of basketball players on earth,” Tressel said, appearing a bit too knowledgable on the subject. “However, there are times when they steal basketball abilities from the Knicks, just to mess with them.”

Jim Boeheim
Jim Boeheim storming out of his press conference.

Jim Boeheim held a press conference early Wednesday morning to discuss the topic.

“You guys are seriously believing this? طريقة المراهنات في كرة القدم This is the plot to Space Jam. We watched that friggin’ movie on our trip to Duke earlier this season. Instead of taking responsibility for playing like crap, they probably decided to use this as an excuse instead. Is no one else realizing this?! I feel like I’m overdosing on crazy pills! لعبة روليت اون لاين ” Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim yelled. “I should’ve seen this coming when they started playing Quad City DJ’s in the locker room!” Boeheim added, before nearly removing his jacket and storming out of the room.

According to NCAA President Mark Emmert, there are no rules that specifically state aliens can’t steal basketball abilities of a school. Although, Emmert was sure to add, “If a student-athlete was to travel to a cartoon land to play in a basketball game against the criminal aliens in an attempt to get the basketball abilities of the Syracuse players back, that student-athlete will lose his or her amateur status and will be ruled ineligible.”

In unrelated news, that actor who played Newman on Seinfeld has gone missing. We’ll report more as we find out.

Space Jam Missing Poster

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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