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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Spoelstra: “I Must Do Better In My Role Of Pretending To Coach.”

When the Miami Heat lose a playoff game, no one takes it harder than Erik Spoelstra, which is weird because no one really knows what he does exactly.

After the Heat’s most recent playoff loss, Spoelstra begrudgingly said, “These are getting really hard for me. No one takes these losses tougher than me,” he said. “I must do better in my role of pretending to coach.”

“Whether that means more pointing, more waving, more pinching my lip while I’m sitting down, I don’t know? All I know is that I must do better. Or at least pretend to do better.”

Heat forward LeBron James said having Spoelstra on his bench is motivating for the team.

“Spoelstra is always there for us. Cheering for us, talking us up, handing us towels,” James said. “Who’s little brother is he, anyway?”

Spoelstra’s record fell to one bajillionty and seven, according to him. He will look to rebound in the next game to get the Heat back on track.

“I’m going to watch a lot of film over the next day or so,” Spoelstra said while playing his Nintendo DS. “Films like Coach Carter, Space Jam, and Air Bud. I watch them and take note on how the coaches act and use it for when I pretend to coach.”

“It’s just tough to focus when I’m dribbling the ball down court and all coach is yelling is, ‘Ain’t no rules says a dog can’t play basketball,” Heat guard Dwyane Wade said. “Is that supposed to be racist?”

Others have become frustrated with Spoelstra’s antics as well. Brian Windhorst, the author of ESPN’s ‘Heat Index Blog’ claims Spoelstra refuses to start a post game press conference unless someone first asks him ‘Does he dribble?’

“[Spoelstra] then responds with, ‘No but he might drool a little bit.'” Windhorst told us. “He then laughs uncontrollably as if it’s the first time, every time. Seriously, who still quotes Air Bud?”

Heat reserve Dexter Pittman claimed, “I like having Erik on the bench with me during games. It really warms my heart to see him smile.” Pittman later asked, “But how long do these Make A Wish things usually last?”

Spoelstra’s parents say the little guy plans to pretend to coach until he grows out of this “phase.” They said first it was his BMX phase, then he was on to pogs, then it was American Girl Dolls, now it’s just coaching the Miami Heat. His father remains hopeful Erik will one day get into girls.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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