Saturday, July 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Southeastern Conference Parenting

Some people just don’t understand how big college football is in the southeast. College football spills out to every aspect of those people’s lives. Their jobs, their cars, their tailgating, their women, their men, their baking, their vandalism, their life mottos, their old lady anger, and of course, their parenting. Let’s face it, football is life in the south. Heck, they’re the only conference that cheers it’s conference’s name after a non-conference win. Except for Tennessee, because they usually lose non-conference games. No, we’re kidding… They beat UAB at home in 2 overtimes. It hasn’t been confirmed if they chanted “SEC!” after that win.

As we said, football takes over people’s lives in the southeast. When you raise your kids, you make sure their first words are either, “War Eagle,” “Roll Tide,” “Hotty Toddy,” “VU,” or “Tebow.” You deck them out in your favorite school’s clothing so it is embedded in their mind. You brainwash them to love the school you went to.

Of course, when teaching them what school to love, you also teach them what schools to hate. If you’re Auburn, you hate Alabama. If you’re Mississippi State, you hate Ole Miss. If you’re Kentucky, you hate Tennessee. Florida hates Georgia. LSU hates unauthentic gumbo. You get the idea.

Anyone outside of the southeast may be thinking, “Oh, well… That’s cute.” No, you obviously don’t get it. We’re talking even when punishing them you threaten them with something related to your rival school. It gets real.

Considering how dominant the SEC is every year, maybe the rest of the country should start investing into their parenting ways.

I’m talking Oklahomans, threaten your kid with a Texas paddle for spankings. Michigan parents can send their kids to the Ohio State memorabilia filled corner. UCLA parents, threaten to drop your kids off just outside USC’s campus and make them try and walk home through east L.A. without getting gang banged or shanked. Trust me, this parenting will work. Just follow the example of those in the Southeastern Conference.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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