Right before he was arrested, it was reported that Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe asked cops if Sonic was still open. So naturally, we wrote a Sonic commercial starring Dwayne Bowe.
[Cut to two Sonic Guys in a car parked at Sonic, late at night]
Left Guy: You know what I love about these new .99¢ Sundaes?
Right Guy: The fact that their only .99¢?
Left Guy: No, I was going to say the fact that their only .99¢.
Right Guy: That’s what I just sa..
[Dwayne Bowe gets into the car]
Dwayne Bowe: DRIVE! DRIVE!
Right Guy: WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU?
Left Guy: We’re not going anywhere until you put your seat belt on.
Dwayne Bowe: LISTEN, MAN! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN! JUST DRIVE!
[Two cops go running by, Dwayne Bowe ducks]
Right Guy: Are you running from the cops?
Dwayne Bowe: WHAT? UMMM… NO… WILL YOU JUST DRIVE?!
Right Guy: Wait… Are you Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe?
Dwayne Bowe: JUST DRIVE ALREADY!
Right Guy: You’re absolutely killing my fantasy team this yea..
Dwayne Bowe: [interrupts] DRIVE!
Left Guy: This probably would’ve worked a lot better if you had a gun. Trust me.
Right Guy: What do you mean, trust me? When have you ever hijacked a car?
Left Guy: Dude, I used to hijack cars all the time in colleg…
Dwayne Bowe: [interrupts] WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP?!
Left Guy: Shut up and drive? Who are you? Rihanna?
Right Guy: Nice one.
Left Guy: Thanks. I’ve been saving that one in case anyone ever carjacked us.
Dwayne Bowe: LISTEN! TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST SONIC!
Right Guy: Dude, we’re at a Sonic.
[Dwayne Bowe looks around.]
Dwayne Bowe: Oh…. Well…. Can you order me some fries?
Right Guy: Sure.
[Right Guy rolls down window to order fries.]
Left Guy: What is that smell? Smells just like my wife.
Right Guy: Yeah, it reeks of alcohol.
[Left Guy smells himself, then begins to follow the smell to the back seat.]
Right Guy: Dwayne Bowe, have you been drinking?
Dwayne Bowe: No.
Left Guy: THEN WHAT CAN IT BE?! IS MY WIFE IN HERE?
Right Guy: Dude, he’s obviously lying.
Left Guy: Oh.
Right Guy: Is that why the cops were chasing you?
Dwayne Bowe: Alright fine, I got pulled over for speeding. I had been drinking. I blew a .12 on my breathalyzer.
Left Guy: Sounds more like your weekly fantasy output.
Right Guy: Is that all you did?
Dwayne Bowe: I was also caught with a lot of marijuana.
Left Guy: So you got pulled over for speeding AND weeding?
[Blank stares from everyone.]
Right Guy: That’s not funny.
Left Guy: Sorry. [looks out window]
Right Guy: [turns back to Bowe] So that explains why you’re so hungry.
Dwayne Bowe: Exactly.
Right Guy: Well, you’re in luck. The food is here.
Dwayne Bowe: Here’s some cash. [hands Right Guy some cash]
Right Guy: Dude, that’s way too much.
Dwayne Bowe: Yeah, but don’t you tip the carhops?
Right Guy: We actually don’t know.
Left Guy: Yeah, we actually get in arguments about this in every commercial, but they usually edit that out.
Right Guy: Right. I say no, because they make minimum wage. That’s enough to not garner a tip.
Left Guy: And I say yes, because they are serving you food like a waiter.
Right Guy: I understand that, but they’re already overpaid and they don’t even do much?
Dwayne Bowe: What’s wrong with being overpaid for not doing much?
[All three guys look to the camera and smile.]
[Cut to the guys grabbing the food from the waiter. Right Guy hands Dwayne Bowe french fries. Dwayne drops his fries.]
Right Guy: Now I know what Alex Smith feels like.
Left Guy: Yeah, you should’ve dumped them off to Jamaal Charles.
[Cut to promotional part of commercial. Something about Happy Hour being everyday from 2-4pm. Yadda yadda, half price drinks and slushes, yadda yadda.]
[Cut to Andy Reid in convertible pressing the button to order.]
Speaker: Welcome to Sonic, can I take your order?
Andy Reid: Yes, I’ll have one of everything, please.
[Cut to black. End.]