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We Wrote A New Sonic Commercial Featuring Dwayne Bowe

Right before he was arrested, it was reported that Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe asked cops if Sonic was still open. So naturally, we wrote a Sonic commercial starring Dwayne Bowe.

Sonic Guys & Dwayne Bowe - Chiefs

[Cut to two Sonic Guys in a car parked at Sonic, late at night]

Left Guy: You know what I love about these new .99¢ Sundaes?

Right Guy: The fact that their only .99¢?

Left Guy: No, I was going to say the fact that their only .99¢.

Right Guy: That’s what I just sa..

[Dwayne Bowe gets into the car]

Dwayne Bowe: DRIVE! DRIVE!

Right Guy: WHAT THE HELL? WHO ARE YOU?

Left Guy: We’re not going anywhere until you put your seat belt on.

Dwayne Bowe: LISTEN, MAN! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN! JUST DRIVE!

[Two cops go running by, Dwayne Bowe ducks]

Right Guy: Are you running from the cops?

Dwayne Bowe: WHAT? UMMM… NO… WILL YOU JUST DRIVE?!

Right Guy: Wait… Are you Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe?

Dwayne Bowe: JUST DRIVE ALREADY!

Right Guy: You’re absolutely killing my fantasy team this yea..

Dwayne Bowe: [interrupts] DRIVE!

Left Guy: This probably would’ve worked a lot better if you had a gun. Trust me.

Right Guy: What do you mean, trust me? When have you ever hijacked a car?

Left Guy: Dude, I used to hijack cars all the time in colleg…

Dwayne Bowe: [interrupts] WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP?!

Left Guy: Shut up and drive? Who are you? Rihanna?

Right Guy: Nice one.

Left Guy: Thanks. I’ve been saving that one in case anyone ever carjacked us.

Dwayne Bowe: LISTEN! TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST SONIC!

Right Guy: Dude, we’re at a Sonic.

[Dwayne Bowe looks around.]

Dwayne Bowe: Oh…. Well…. Can you order me some fries?

Right Guy: Sure.

[Right Guy rolls down window to order fries.]

Left Guy: What is that smell? Smells just like my wife.

Right Guy: Yeah, it reeks of alcohol.

[Left Guy smells himself, then begins to follow the smell to the back seat.]

Right Guy: Dwayne Bowe, have you been drinking?

Dwayne Bowe: No.

Left Guy: THEN WHAT CAN IT BE?! IS MY WIFE IN HERE?

Right Guy: Dude, he’s obviously lying.

Left Guy: Oh.

Right Guy: Is that why the cops were chasing you?

Dwayne Bowe: Alright fine, I got pulled over for speeding. I had been drinking. I blew a .12 on my breathalyzer.

Left Guy: Sounds more like your weekly fantasy output.

Right Guy: Is that all you did?

Dwayne Bowe: I was also caught with a lot of marijuana.

Left Guy: So you got pulled over for speeding AND weeding?

[Blank stares from everyone.]

Right Guy: That’s not funny.

Left Guy: Sorry. [looks out window]

Right Guy: [turns back to Bowe] So that explains why you’re so hungry.

Dwayne Bowe: Exactly.

Right Guy: Well, you’re in luck. The food is here.

Dwayne Bowe: Here’s some cash. [hands Right Guy some cash]

Right Guy: Dude, that’s way too much.

Dwayne Bowe: Yeah, but don’t you tip the carhops?

Right Guy: We actually don’t know.

Left Guy: Yeah, we actually get in arguments about this in every commercial, but they usually edit that out.

Right Guy: Right. I say no, because they make minimum wage. That’s enough to not garner a tip.

Left Guy: And I say yes, because they are serving you food like a waiter.

Right Guy: I understand that, but they’re already overpaid and they don’t even do much?

Dwayne Bowe: What’s wrong with being overpaid for not doing much?

[All three guys look to the camera and smile.]

[Cut to the guys grabbing the food from the waiter. Right Guy hands Dwayne Bowe french fries. Dwayne drops his fries.]

Right Guy: Now I know what Alex Smith feels like.

Left Guy: Yeah, you should’ve dumped them off to Jamaal Charles.

[Cut to promotional part of commercial. Something about Happy Hour being everyday from 2-4pm. Yadda yadda, half price drinks and slushes, yadda yadda.]

[Cut to Andy Reid in convertible pressing the button to order.]

Speaker: Welcome to Sonic, can I take your order?

Andy Reid: Yes, I’ll have one of everything, please.

[Cut to black. End.]

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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