Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Some Titans Fans Want To Nickname Their Defense ‘The Tennessee Tickle Monsters,’ Let’s Discuss

On November 8th, NFL analyst Brian Baldinger innocently dropped a tremendous breakdown of the Tennessee Titans front-four. Or so we thought. Because, with this tweet, he essentially started the chain reaction that would go on to create the biggest civil war in the south since, well, the actual Civil War. Because as we stand today, the city of Nashville remains split. Not by politics, or race, or creed, but rather by tickles. Because hidden in the 153 comments that Baldy got on his tweet was buried this little gem from @The_Dylan_Lane:

When Michael Caine famously said, “Some men just like to watch the world burn,” pretty sure he was referring to Dylan and his tweet right here. This tweet was the match that sparked the wildfire that is currently burning the city of Nashville to the ground.

Some people are for it, like…

@titansfilmroom on Twitter:

Look, say what you will about the name Tickle Monsters not being intimidating, but you can have any name with Justin Garver’s editing skills and an NF background track and it will seem badass.

Buck Reising of 104.5 The Zone and AtoZ Sports Nashville:

Jim Wyatt of TennesseeTitans.com:

(That counts.)

Ryan from Broadway Sports Media:

Robert from Broadway Sports Media:

This guy:

Hell, it’s gotten to the point where the actual ticklers are being asked about it.

But I dunno, I think that video was skipping, because this is what I heard:

And in case you’re wondering where I stand on this whole debate, I’ve got four words for you: coochie, coochie, coo, bitches.

I’ve been about that Tickle Monster life for over the last half-decade. Let’s own it.

Look, if you’re against this name, take a good long look in the mirror, because what you’ll see staring back at you is a giant stick in the mud. Unclench your butt cheeks and have some damn fun. Don’t take yourself, your life, or this damn nickname so seriously. It’s not the nickname that makes the defense intimidating. It’s the players on the field. So if you think they NEED some big, bad, scary nickname, you’re thinking too hard about this. Because what’s the alternative? Some lame-ass, recycled garbage that we see every time anyone hits at a defense with a potential nickname? Because the only “suggestions” I’ve seen have been awful.

  • The Broadway Four
    • is this a feared defense or a 1950’s doo-wap group?
  • Music City Monsters
    • I’m sorry, I feel asleep midway through reading that one
  • Broadway Bullies
    • there’s literally a “Broadway” in every metropolis in America
  • Monsters of the Midstate
    • this is literally just ripping off the 80’s Bears defense
  • Tennessee Tyrants
    • look, you know no one loves a good pun as much as me, and I respect the effort here, but no one is calling a great Titans defense the Tennessee Tyrants. Hell, most Tennesseans have trouble pronouncing Titans as it is.
  • Blue Bruisers
    • ok, now we’re not even trying
  • The 300
    • this one isn’t bad, I’ll admit, especially with the Greek tie-in and the fact that it came from the VOTT, but it’s no Tickle Monsters

@HeHateV gets it:

I suggested naming this defense The Two-Toned Blue Balls, because you may come close, but this defense will prevent you from scoring… a suggestion that got me this response from the 3HL crew in Nashville.

But even I can admit that name isn’t as good as The Tennessee Tickle Monsters. You know why?

Because there is nothing in this life more feared than the idea of being tickled. Whenever someone comes running at you with their wiggly fingers and that creepy “I’m going to touch you in your sides” smirk on their face, it’s creepy as hell. The only thing you want to do is either a.) run for your life, or b.) curl up in a hole and die. I honestly think I’d rather be stabbed than tickled. Think back to when you were a kid and your babysitter or creepy uncle would tickle you. You’d kick, you’d punch, and you’d squirm to get away because of the fear you had of being tickled. That’s what this defense does to opposing quarterbacks. They’d rather be anywhere than in that pocket when Big Jeff Simmons beats a double-team or when Harold Landry speed rushes off the edge. There’s a reason tickling is used for torture in some countries. There’s a reason why men with flat feet were denied entry into the U.S. Army back in the day. It’s because they’re “totes ticklish.” If you think tickling has to do with small children or girls at slumber parties, well that’s on you, dude. Frankly, I’m a little worried that’s the FIRST place your mind goes to when you think of that nickname. A lot of people like to claim masculinity is being threatened in today’s culture. Well, maybe we start our defense by reclaiming tickling.

Look, every great NFL defense in history had a nickname. Pittsburgh had the Steel Curtain. The L.A. Rams back in the day had the Fearsome Foursome. Chicago gave us the Monsters of the Midway. Is Tickle Monsters sillier than all of those? You betcha. But it’s by far the only dumb name for historically great defenses. Because for every hard-ass name, there’s also some really dumb ones. Just ask Ole Miss. The Landsharks? You know what you call a shark that’s been put on land? Dead. What about Minnesota? They nicknamed their defense the Purple People Eaters. You mean to tell me that some off-brand McDonald’s Grimace is more fearsome than a damn monster that tickles you? Hell, the Broncos nicknamed their defense in the 70s the Orange Crush. That’s a soda.

All I’m saying is Tickle Monsters isn’t as bad as you might think it is. It’s original. It’s damn terrifying. And it’s also hilarious. So to anyone still against it, lemme just ask this: How can you sit there and say “Tickle Monsters” is a goofy name but then sit there and cheer for a grown man named Harold?


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Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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