It’s one of the most exciting times of the year. School is back in session, temperatures are cooling off, Beyoncé is pregnant, and football is about to gloriously return to our television screens. But what I really want to know is this- does anyone still watch baseball? Seriously… Many sports reporters, writers, and the like have suggested that baseball should end their season the last week of August. This would benefit in a few ways, primarily so baseball wouldn’t have to compete with the ever-popular football (sans UFL). But beyond the ratings, wouldn’t our lives be nicer if the World Series had been held last week? Our SportsCenter wouldn’t be unnecessarily clogged with news of the Cubs ineptitude, the Red Sox-Yankees marathon games, or stupid stats that less than 5% of the male population understand (BABIP? VORP? GOAO? WAR? GONZO and ELMO?).
It’s time for a change, so I’ve come up with 7 other sure-fire ideas to improve Major League Baseball. And you should listen to my opinion, because duh, I write for a sports blog.
1. Allow pitchers to use metal bats – We’re tired of watching Tim Lincecum whiff at another 76 mph change up. Let’s give these guys some type of an advantage. It would also be fun to see them try and hit line drives at their opposing pitchers. Like a pitchers game of chicken.
2. 10-second pitch count – From the second the ball hits the catcher’s mitt, the pitcher has no more than 10 seconds to throw the next pitch (this would decrease average game time by over an hour). We have versions of this in football (play clock) and basketball (shot clock), so why is baseball still behind? Oh wait.
3. Allow Mark Cuban to buy a franchise – The infamous Mavericks owner has been pining for an MLB team for years now. Bud Selig can’t honestly tell us that Cuban would be any worse of an owner than Frank McCourt. Or actual Cuban, Fidel Castro.
4. Allow one player on each team to publicly take steroids – Not like, publicly where we watch him shoot up… You know… Let’s make the clean up hitters REALLY clean up. Wouldn’t it be great if the Red Sox strutted out a 6’6”, 250 lbs. mass of a hitter after little Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia?
5. Make Peyton Manning and Eli Manning pitch against each other – The ratings would kill, and so would Eli from the Laser Rocket Arm. Plus, hopefully that would put an end to their Oreo eating competitions.
6. Allow fans to interfere like this arena football fan – This rule would have saved Steve Bartman a lot of trouble.
7. Make outfield bleachers into a giant public pool – Some teams have taken baby steps in this direction, but can you imagine if the entire outfield wall was an aquarium? I’d love to see Carl Crawford try and climb a plexiglass wall while some fan is holding his breath inches away. Plus, every time someone hit a home run, announcers could make all sorts of “splash” comments. “Back, back, back, SPLASH!” Just please, for the love of Jose Canseco’s syringe, don’t pee in the pool. And like Canseco, you’ll ruin the fun for everyone.