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Secret ‘Stache

Dear America-

Chris Berman’s mustache, here. Just wanted to write. I know you haven’t seen me in a while. But don’t worry, I’m doing fine. I’m down here at a great resort destination vacationing until Berman needs me again. It’s a resort spot kind of like Sandals Caribbean Resorts, only this place is a mustaches-only resort called Handles (like handle bar mustaches).

There are tons of other sports mustaches down here with us. You may not remember everyone, but ones such as Jake Plummer’s, Jason Giambi’s, most of the 1985 Chicago Bears team’s, and Joe Namath’s. Adam Morrison’s was here but we kicked him out. He was just too dirty for this resort.

I’m not going to lie, the reason for my vacation was due to a hairy situation between Chris and I. He was constantly giving me a lot of lip. He kept calling me a misplaced eyebrow. I just couldn’t take it anymore. What we had used to be Just For Men. Heck, it used to be Just For Men Gel. But now it’s time for the world to know. I am no longer on Berman’s face because he couldn’t share the spotlight. Well, I hope he enjoys the spotlight by himself, with no one or nothing to tickle is lip everyday.

If you guys need me, I’ll be looking for new work. So if you hear of anyone who is about to grow a mustache, shave me a spot on that lip! I don’t want to say that my time with Chris is done for good. I mean, this is my second time back on that big mouth. Few remember the first time I was around…

No, this isn't some old Seinfeld character. This is Chris Berman from 1979.

However, one time on a man’s lip is groundbreaking. A second time on that same lip is experimenting. A third time… Well, a third time only comes after a divorce. And I’m pretty sure him and his wife Kathy are in it for the long-haul. Who do you think he is? Kelsey Grammer?

I appreciate all the support and publicity you guys brought to Chris during the stretch. Don’t worry about me though, I’ll be alright. I mean, like they used to call me in college, I am the “soup strainer!”

Sinc-hair-ly Yours,

Chris Berman’s FORMER Mustache

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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