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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

SEC Schools Hold An Intervention For Tennessee’s Coaching Search Addiction

SEC Intervention

BIRMINGHAM, AL — Thirteen SEC schools gathered at SEC headquarters in Birmingham this week to hold an intervention for fellow SEC school, Tennessee, and its addiction to coaching searches.

“It started off with the head coaching vacancy Phil Fulmer created,” fellow SEC East school South Carolina said. “We all thought it was just an innocent coaching search, until it kept happening and happening.”

In the span of six years since Fulmer’s departure, Tennessee underwent seven coaching searches amongst their football, men’s and women’s basketball, and baseball programs, including their latest search for a new men’s basketball coach after Cuonzo Martin left for California. Studies show that looking for a new head coach can be “addictive” and “exciting.” According to a recent study, after a school’s coaching search ends, the high will wear off and teams will crash, or “hit a wall,” causing “grogginess,” “irritation,” and “petitions to remove the current coach” amongst fans.

Over the past few decades, technology has made coaching search addictions worse. Nowadays, it’s easy to hop on the Internet to read rumors on Twitter and message boards, as well as track athletic directors’ flights to and from cities. Plus, a school could easily find pictures of sexy hires online.

Tennessee really spiraled out of control a year after signing Lane Kiffin, when they were on yet another coaching search. “We didn’t really think anything of it. Sure, Tennessee was going on more coaching searches than anyone would’ve liked, but you didn’t think it would spiral out of control in the way that it did,” Auburn admitted. “I mean, this is college. We just assumed Tennessee was looking for a good time.”

“Even their women’s basketball program went through a coaching search,” Missouri said. “And that’s supposed to be ‘their thing.'”

It was after the Cuonzo Martin departure when the rest of the SEC decided to come together for Tennessee. “It was time to step in,” arch-rival Florida said. “We couldn’t let them keep doing this. It’s embarrassing. Even for Tennessee’s standards.”

The thirteen schools met at a central location, needing a way to lure Tennessee into their intervention.

“That part was actually pretty simple,” Auburn claimed. “We just told them we kidnapped Lane Kiffin and had him tied up in a room.” Tennessee was here within 20 minutes.

Addicted Smokey
This photo was taken of Tennessee in January 2010 in downtown Knoxville.

As soon as Tennessee arrived, the emotional tension in the room grew thick. Some schools claimed there were so many tears shed, it was as if Tim Tebow lost another SEC Championship. The schools immediately sat down Tennessee and expressed their concern. Tennessee became defensive, which was a surprise, because during last year’s football season, they weren’t defensive at all. However, Tennessee broke down shortly after. It was as if Tennessee always knew it had a problem, and that its fellow SEC schools wouldn’t let it get worse. Tennessee got up and hugged everyone but LSU. But that’s only because LSU reeks of corndogs. Everyone tends to keep their distance from LSU.

The intervention ended on a positive note, with Tennessee agreeing to seek help. “That ‘S-E-C’ chant is more than just an annoying post-game ritual. It’s an annoying post-game ritual that’s also a brotherhood,” Arkansas stated proudly.

Although the news of Tennessee’s addiction was disappointing, if you look into the school’s past it wouldn’t come as a surprise. Tennessee has endured a rough history of illegal bar-b-ques, butt-chugging, and not beating Florida. “Frankly, we’re just glad they’re still with us,” rival Alabama said. “It helps having that extra bye week on the third Saturday in October every year.”

While the road to recovery is a long one, the SEC schools said they’re here to help. Kentucky was going to offer to let Tennessee sleep on it’s couch, but quickly remembered they burned all of them after their basketball national title this year. So Texas A&M offered a spot on its futon for a couple of weeks, until the schools can find a rehab center that treats coaching search addiction.

“Listen, we all get the desire to search for a new coach every now and then. Some of us more than others,” Mississippi State said, while blatantly looking at Georgia. “But it’s all about controlling that desire. We just want to help Tennessee do that.”

If your university is struggling with coaching search addiction, please seek help immediately by calling 1-900-CANT-WIN.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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