Scientists Determine Texas Is NOT Back

Scientists and researchers from the Institution of Modern Science recently conducted studies about whether or not Texas is back, and the results have proven that no, Texas is not back.

“We conducted multiple studies over the last few months to test the theory that Texas is back,” lead scientist Carlton Jones said. “Each week we would provide different variables with the constant being Texas football, and after just under 4 months, we’ve determined that contrary to popular belief, Texas is not back.”

Jones said the study was first put into place after Longhorns quarterback Sam Ehlinger pronounced “Longhorn nation, we’re BACK!” after a Sugar Bowl win last January.

“Many of us were skeptical of this claim,” Jones said. “So we put it to the test.”

So the team of scientists at IMS went to work to determine whether that theory was true or not. The team then developed a strong feeling the results weren’t going to confirm Ehlinger’s theory after the Longhorns narrowly defeated Kansas, 50-48.

“I’m not a big ‘football guy’ per se,” said one scientist. “But even I know Kansas is one of the worst football programs in the country.

“Texas has their own television network. Kansas doesn’t even have their own locker room. They share their home locker room with livestock for the agriculture school. It’s true. My cousin went there.”

The study continued, however, and upon discovering losses to TCU, Iowa State, and Baylor, it was proven. Texas is not back.

“We thought more people would be surprised with our findings, but it turns out nobody was,” Jones added. “Even Ehlinger.”

Jones said he and his team are already looking into what scientific study is next. A few ideas they’ve tossed around have been whether or not the “horns down” hand gesture is as offensive as the Big 12 thinks it is or whether or not it’s creepy that Matthew McConnaughey still hangs around campus as much as he does.

The next study will be announced after Texas probably loses the Alamo Bowl or something.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.


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