Roger Goodell Unveils New ‘NFL Beat It Campaign’

NEW YORK — In an effort to turn around the negative attention surrounding the NFL this week, Commissioner Roger Goodell unveiled the league’s newest campaign geared towards children.

“We’re calling it the ‘NFL Beat It Campaign,'” Goodell said proudly. “It’s a league-wide effort to get kids to stop abusing drugs, and start abusing loved ones. We think it’s going to be a huge success, and it will instill in these kids that doing drugs will get you a big suspension in the NFL, and in life. Whereas beating people up, well, that’s ok by us. Especially if it’s a woman.”

After the success of the NFL’s Play 60 campaign, the league felt it was time to move on to other outreach opportunities. “The Play 60 campaign worked wonders,” Goodell explained. “I’m not sure if it made any tubby kids skinnier, but that commercial with that kid who wanted to take Cam Newton’s job. Hahaha! That was classic! Everybody was talking about that commercial for weeks!”

The NFL has asked Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice to help with the campaign. “We’ve asked Ray to speak to communities and schools about the path he chose, and how he wound up with a lesser suspension because of it.” Goodell said. The commissioner continued by saying that the league is doing its best efforts to get kids out of the drug scene, and into hotel-casino elevators. “We’re going to get kids into these programs, even if we have to drag them there,” Goodell joked.

When asked if he felt hypocritical for trying to eliminate violence on the field, while promoting it off the field, Goodell responded, “No, no. Trust me, we’re encouraging kids not to lead with their heads.”

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