Tuesday, December 5, 2023

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Roger Goodell Fines Daughter for Hitting Books Too Hard

Falling in line with his recent crack down on (what he refers to as) hyper-violence in the NFL, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell has fined his daughter, Allison, $750 for hitting the books too hard after school yesterday. Allison, a student at some really pretentious school, probably, reportedly spent four hours in her room “studying for a big test that was coming up in a couple of days.”

Multiple reports coming out of the Goodell household say that on top of being fined $750, Allison will be suspended from watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for up to eight weeks, which is actually a good thing.

Allison has released a statement through her agent, Drew Rosenhaus:

“This is seriously so freaking stupid. I mean double-you tee-eff dad? I thought you were the cool parent. Oh-Em-Eff-Gee this is ridick.”

Her statement, which was written in the back seat of her own personal limousine, continued:

“At least I still have my iPhones. But my life is SO UNFAIR I can’t stand it. I’m going to totally make out with James Harrison.”

Rosenhaus, who is notoriously a huge ass, says they will appeal both the fine and suspension, calling them “stupid, petty” and “really not that big of a deal in the big picture of things, since I will still be rich either way.”

This isn’t the first time Goodell has fined one of his own family members. Back in 2009 he fined his wife, former FOX News Channel anchor Jane Skinner, $1,300 for “hitting the hay early” one night when Goodell was feeling frisky. He also fined his uncle $20 for hitting a puppy that was seemingly doing nothing, which seemed to not be a very large fine for hitting a puppy.

No word from James Harrison on the matter.


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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