REPORT: Alabama, Texas A&M Terrifyed To Play Each Other

September 12, 2013September 12, 2013 Austin

COLLEGE STATION, TX- The top-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide travels to College Station this Saturday to play the 7th ranked Texas A&M Aggies, attempting to avenge their 2012 loss. This game has already been slated as the game of the year.

“Honestly, I’m scared to death,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban confessed. “Did you see what they did to us LAST year?! And that was at HOME!”

The usually straight-faced Saban did nothing to hide his emotions towards this Saturday’s contest. “Seriously, I’m more terrified now than I ever was coaching the Dolphins,” Saban continued. “And I have a better team now!”

Saban’s hands did not stop trembling during our entire visit with him, which was cut short as the extremely nervous coach claimed “a little pee-pee came out,” as he waddled out of the room. Unfortunately for Alabama, his players seemed to share the same sentiment.

“They’re stadium is THE HOME OF THE 12TH MAN!” sophomore running back TJ Yeldon said. “I can’t even count that high yet! That’s a junior course.”

“But in all honesty, I just don’t want to be gigged. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds disgusting!” Yeldon admitted while crossing his legs.

Even starting quarterback A.J. McCarron appeared nervous for Saturday’s contest.

“Most places have cheerleaders. Not A&M! No, they have yell leaders!” McCarron said. “Imagine the people who stand in front of the deaf section pews at church doing sign language. Now inject them with Captain America’s Super-Soldier Serum and throw some milkman uniforms on them, and you’ve got YELL LEADERS!”

“Plus, I have a feeling my girlfriend, Katherine [Webb], is going to somehow fall for that Johnny Football guy.” McCarron said punching his hands together. “He’s exactly her type. She LOVES Natty Light and acne-covered foreheads.”

Other players shared their concern with us as well.”This game is going to be a nightmare,” linebacker C.J. Mosley admitted. “It’s going to be a ghost-filled nightmare. And I mean that literally, because aren’t they coached by Bernie Mac? I thought that guy was dead!”

However, Alabama isn’t the only team worried for Saturday’s game of the week.

Aside from Auburn (who still lies awake at night thinking of the revenge-beating Alabama gave them two weeks after falling to the Aggies last year), Texas A&M is also terrified.

“Nick Saban scares the crap out of me,” Aggies head coach Kevin Sumlin told us off the record. “Not in a physical way, because, let’s be honest, he’s smaller than most U.S. Gymnasts. But he’s scary in an office IT guy kind of way. You have NO IDEA what kind of viruses that guy will install on your computer.”

Sumlin later excused himself to change all of his computer passwords. Again.

“This game scares me. I mean, almost all of their guys are professional talent,” Texas A&M Jarvis Harrison said. “Like seriously, they get paid to play at Alabama, so that makes them professionals.”

However, the worry for this game doesn’t stop with the A&M coaching staff and players. Even their mascot, Reveille VIII, is nervous.

“HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY DO TO DOGS?!” Reveille VIII shouted.