This is perhaps the most insane story that 2021 has graced us with – and that is quite the feat only three months in. It’s a saga that’s a little more than 24 hours old and keeps getting more ridiculous by the hour it seems. @JensenKarp on Twitter has been on quite the cinnamon roller coaster of emotions and has seen his Twitter following gain 80,000+ followers and climbing in such a short time.
I am going to take you on Jensen’s journey through his Twitter that documents just how wild this ride has been. It all began with a simple tweet:
Jensen did what any reasonable consumer in 2021 would do when in a product that is typically so consistent, you find it a little odd to be housing literal SHRIMP TAILS. You don’t even need to zoom in to discern the shape of a crustacean. Guess the folks down at General Mills really meant Cinnamon Toast CRUNCH. Speaking of General Mills…
I mean, honestly, can you blame Jensen? He took the necessary ladder climb to get to the bottom of this dilemma.
I don’t really know much about Jensen’s personal life – other than the fact that he actually lived out every guy my age’s dream and married Topanga from Boy Meets World.
but I imagine Jensen was perusing the aisles of Costco looking for any chance possible to rack up an inevitable $300 bill. That’s just what you do at the ‘Co. And bam there it is, a little bit of nostalgia Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC). I used to love eating this as a kid. Couldn’t figure out why my mom would buy it for my brother and I because it appeared to be nothing but sugar and absolutely nothing healthy.
Finally, Jensen got a response from the official @CTCSquares account. I guess they were sorry? You better be a lot more than sorry if you’re shipping out seafood cereal to unsuspecting customers.
Most kids look for toys in the bottom of the cereal box (or at least they used to – damn, I’m old) but nowadays kids are literally fishing for shrimp tails, I guess?
Also, pretty chill that Seth Rogen caught wind of the great shrimp debacle.
At this point, Jensen was just having fun with it. CTC promised that they would get “to the bottom of it” and to that, I assume they mean the ocean because those are damn shrimp tails.
This is where it gets personal for Jensen.
We’ve all heard of fried rice. We’ve all heard of shrimp fried rice. We’ve all heard of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. We all HAVE NOT heard of Shrimp Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Nor should we ever.
Look, you could be blind and probably still see that shape Jensen took a picture of – was certainly not an accumulation of cinnamon sugar at the bottom bag (damn, I used to love that bottom of the bag).
What a classic PR move. Let’s say publicly that you’re lying and then try to shove some coupons down your throat. No coupon would ever give me the urge to want shrimp toast crunch.
Jensen deserves more than coupons. He deserves every damn like and retweet Twitter has to offer. Jensen is an American Hero.
This is where the story gets SPICY. Jensen is now on a mission to put big cereal (General Mills) in a chokehold. At this point, it feels like the whole nation is watching.
I couldn’t help but think about how this would have never been brought to light if this happened to some random child. I could see a kid just scarfing it down thinking it was extra crunch.
But now we’ve got a little piece of string? THIS IS PANDEMONIUM.
This is not looking good for our hero, Jensen. Those shapes are NOT promising.
Oh boy. Yep, this sounds like my worst nightmare. Twitter investigators are hot on the scene. A true “all hands on deck” type scenario. Somebody call Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Gadget, the Hardy Boys, Nic Cage from National Treasure, we need everyone we can get.
Shoutout Topanga for having a stronger stomach than Jensen, but then again, I guess you would too if you had to kiss Ben Savage everyday at work for most of your childhood.
But this saga is becoming a PR disaster for the folks down at General Mills headquarters. If you’re an aspiring PR agent, don’t do ANYTHING General Mills did here.
Yikes. My Costco theory was right. Would avoid that Costco at all costs, TBH.
Well there you have it. It seems Paul Tompkins is to blame. Guess we can all sleep a little easier tonight knowing this.
It’s always nice to look at the positive side of things in times of crisis. Jensen bought himself a couple of days thanks to Poison Control.
Phew, it appears our hero has made it through the night and woke up this morning in good spirits. Unfortunately, it seems like General Mills isn’t really grasping the scope of the situation at hand here.
You can always count on the internet to do some DEEP archive digging. You can run, General Mills, but you can’t hide.
At this point, CTC is still trying to drive the car here. Which is quite perplexing, to say the least.
Two points to Mr. Topanga for the “doofs” blast.
But classic CTC, still not admitting that it was a shrimp tail. So Jensen took matters in his own hands.
Hey Alexa, play “just hold on, we’re going home (pest control remix)” by Drake.
We’re about to see Jensen vs. General Mills on Maury to decide WHO IS THE FATHER of this shrimp tail.
You know it’s bad when Jon Taffer is telling you to shut it down.
Let’s check in on CTC PR one last time…
Law enforcement??? This is just getting out of hand. Our hero, Jensen, purchased the CTC and now they want to get law enforcement involved. Truly unbelievable.
Jensen just absolutely owned Maria “social media specialist” Ortiz. I love Jensen. He’s not the hero we deserved, but the one that we needed right now.
This story is STILL on-going and I have been on the edge of my seat every second of it. I will continue to update this blog as the story unfolds. Jensen is a national hero.
…until someone digs up some of his old tweets and we cancel him in a couple of days.
UPDATE (11:18 PM EST):
Preaching to the choir Jensen.
We all needed this Jensen, we all did.
OMG! THE RESULTS IN….. CTC YOU ARE THE FATHER OF SHRIMP TAILS IN YOUR CEREAL!
Literally slam dunked on ’em. A well deserved scholarship. The guy worked his tail off.
WE DID IT PEOPLE! That’s how you solve a mystery right there. I’m sure this isn’t even close to the end of this saga, however.