Red Sox Re-Work Mookie Betts Deal, Feel They Weren’t Adequately Screwed Enough

BOSTON — After the initial trade proposal that sent Mookie Betts and David Price to the Los Angeles Dodgers, Boston Red Sox Owner John Henry felt like his team wasn’t being adequately screwed enough.

“We knew the deal we were making was absolutely horrible,” Henry told reporters. “But to us, it wasn’t bad enough.”

The Red Sox front office claimed the medical records of one of the players they received in the three-team-deal, Minnesota Twins pitcher Brusdar Graterol, wasn’t healthy enough for their liking, so they rejected the trade.

“I still can’t believe people bought the fact that we were unsatisfied with a trade offer over health concerns when we literally pay [Dustin] Pedroia millions to sit on the IL every year,” Henry said laughing to himself. “But hey, it worked!”

The Red Sox then got to work brainstorming ideas of how they could make the trade worse for themselves. Giving Betts and Price to the Dodgers for free? Giving them to the Dodgers for free and offering to pay their salarie? Giving Betts and Price, throwing in Jackie Bradley Jr., as well as half of all ticket sales at Fenway Park this year? All of these ideas were tossed around initially, but according to Henry, they still weren’t bad enough.

“We just felt like we weren’t screwing up this franchise enough,” Henry said. “I remember my grandfather always telling me about how bad the Babe Ruth trade the Sox made in 1919 was. I don’t want Red Sox Nation to be remembered for that. It’s been over 100 years. So if we make other bad trades, it will be hard to remember which one was worse.

“I wanted this trade to be so bad that it ended up on one of the EPIC FAIL videos I watch on YouTube each night before bed,” Henry said giggling. “Man, I saw one last night were a guy was skateboarding on a rail down a flight of stairs and he fell and totally racked his nuts! EPIC FAIL! It’s like why would he do that? It was a big flight of stairs too.”

While the Red Sox looked for ways to make this trade a bigger joke than it already was, the Dodgers went ahead and re-worked the deal to where they also received Brusdar Graterol from the Twins, on top of whatever the Red Sox were going to give them.

In the end, the Red Sox ended up giving the Dodgers Mookie Betts and David Price, agreeing to pay half of David Price’s salary, as well as partial custody of Wally, the Red Sox mascot, three copies of Fever Pitch starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore, and a $25 gift card to Dunkin Donuts. In return, the Red Sox receive Alex Verdugo, who looks like the human embodiment of Southie, shortstop prospect Jeter Downs, which will probably go over well with fans now having to cheer for a Jeter, and catching prospect Connor Ward who may or may not be made up by the Dodgers knowing the Red Sox would totally fall for it.

“I feel like this team we’ve constructed is built for the postseason,” Henry said. “Not the regular season. JUST the postseason, as in we’ll probably only win 11 games all year.”