Punxsutawney Phil Is Nothing But A Dirty Rat

*Ben Stiller as the orderly from Happy Gilmore voice*

“Turn your hearing aids up, people. Guess what? Winter has been extended by over six weeks today!”

That damn groundhog saw his shadow this morning which means six more weeks of winter.

“Groundhogs Day is so much fun!” clamored literally no one in the history of time. There’s a reason Bill Murray tried to literally off himself in the movie Groundhogs Day. It’s not because he kept living the same day over and over and over and over *Marshawn Lynch voice* and over and over and over again. It’s because of how bad Punxatony Phil sucks at his job. Every year we need this dude to not look at his shadow, and it feels like every year he does and grants us six more weeks of winter. Screw you, dude. No one wants six more weeks of winter. Why in the hell don’t you come out of your fake wooden stump blindfolded? Just lie to us and tell us you didn’t see your shadow even if you did.

You’d think for a guy who works fewer hours than Santa, he’d have a better hit rate. It’s like kickers in football. You have one job. So when you’re not doing that job, you should be practicing that job. You should NEVER miss. But it turns out, he sucks at the one thing he’s supposed to be known for: his predictions.

Punxsutawney Phil was first tasked with predicting the upcoming spring weather in 1887, and the process hasn’t changed much since. The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, takes care of Phil year-round, and on each Feb. 2, members of the club’s Inner Circle rouse Phil at sunrise (this morning, they awakened him at 7:25 a.m.) to see if he casts a shadow. According to the Groundhog Club’s records, the various incarnations of Punxsutawney Phil have predicted 107 forecasts of more winter and 20 early springs. There are nine years without any records, and even the Punxsutawney Area Chamber of Commerce, which keeps track of these things, doesn’t know what happened to Phil during those years. Data from the Stormfax Almanac’s data shows that Phil’s six-week prognostications have been correct about 39% of the time.

via LiveScience.com

Are you kidding me? This dude connects only 40% of the time? What is he? The old Apple weather app? Why in the hell do we keep going back to him? This isn’t baseball. 40% isn’t a good average. He’s like the Stephen A. Smith of weather takes. It’s preposterous. Hey Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, maybe it’s time we use another animal? I dunno, like zebras or something? Hell, use a platypus. I don’t care. It’s just time we get rid of this tailless beaver. The dude is a farce. I’m not into cancel culture. Until today. Let’s cancel his ass! Find some old tweets or something. Let’s just move on to an animal who at least has access to the Weather Channel. Or someone with a brighter outlook for the future. Turning to Phil for our weather would be like turning to Eeyore for some optimism. If we’re hoping for the damn guinnea pig to predict an early spring, let’s maybe find an animal who looks at their shadow less than Peter Pan.

I hate winter. Literally hate it. The three years I lived in Southern California were the greatest years ever because there was no winter. Just a chillier summer. So when this ugly-ass rodent tells me I’ve got a month and a half more of this crap, I want to punt him off a bridge like Jack Black did to Baxter. You suck, Phil, and nobody likes you. No wonder you live underground.

Then again, I guess we should’ve known you can’t trust a rat.