Profiling Thy Enemy, 6/6: Peter Crouch

Hello from Korked Bats’ Senior World Cup Editor*! For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you with girlfriends–we are exactly six days away from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond.

*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.

To get you ready for the match, I’m going to profile a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly on June 12 in Rustenburg. I hope that they will be informational, but–most of all–they’ll likely just be full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.

Now, gander some footie. (That’s British for “Let’s talk soccer”. Or something)

Peter Crouch


Bio Blast: There’s this scene in Muppet Treasure Island where the pirates are interrogating Gonzo. They have a crankable device that is supposed to quarter him as a means of torture, hoping to get him to divulge information. But, wouldn’t you know it, the plan backfires as Gonzo’s arms just stretch and stretch painlessly to to his delight.

That’s what Peter Crouch looks like. The 6-foot-7 Tottenham striker looks like a failed quartering experiment. It’s the height that has defined his career and, apparently, his life, as he has written a book (it can be yours for 13 pounds!) about the odd life that he lives because he is tall, or something like that. Apparently, fans have said mean things to him because he’s tall. The nerve! Anyway, he says that he did the book because he had an interesting story, not because he wanted pity for being a tall professional soccer player that shacks up with this every night and, in the shocker of shockers, has been made fun of by fans of all teams. Oh, ok.

On the pitch (that means field): Despite what his gangly frame would suggest, Crouch is actually very gifted athletically (but don’t pity him!). He’s strong in the air, as you would expect from a person of his stature, but he’s also very skilled with his feet relative to his size.

To my knowledge, it hasn’t yet been announced whether Crouch will be the starter for England beside Wayne Rooney or not, but if he does, the US men will call on their own giant (although he doesn’t have a book), Oguchi Onyewu, to try to keep Crouch from nailing in headers. That’ll be a tall order for Onyewu, who has only played about 90 minutes of live game time in the last seven months.

Wikipedia fact: Crouch’s most common nickname is “Crouchy.” OK, you can pity him for that.

Read about yesterday’s British soccer player, Ashley Cole, here.

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