Profiling Thy Enemy, 6/5: Ashley Cole

Hello from Korked Bats’ Super Duper World Cup Expert*! For those of you not counting down the days–AKA those of you with real jobs–we are exactly one week away from the race-driven World Cup opener for the United States and their enemies across the pond.

*Self-created nickname. Self-created position.

To get you ready for the match, I’m going to profile a different player on England’s roster each day leading up to the not-friendly on June 12 in Rustenburg. I hope that they will be informational, but–most of all–they’ll likely just be full of mean-spirited jokes because I’m racist toward the English.

Now, let’s enjoy some tea. (That’s British for “Let’s get this party started”.)

Ashley Cole


Bio blast: As a baby, the future Chelsea star was named “Ashley” by his parents, presumably because that’s the type of thing British people think is funny. I’ll never get their sense of humor.

Anyway, Cole is a great player. Oh, and he’s good at soccer to. Allow me to explain. You see that pretty lady he’s pictured with above–the one you probably thought was actually Ashley Cole at first? That’s Ashley’s similarly named, soon-to-be ex-wife, Cheryl. They’re currently engaged in divorce proceedings because Ashley seems to enjoy sharing his remarkable talent with other women.

So, basically what I’m saying is that Cole’s mind probably figures to be completely at peace in South Africa.

On the pitch (that means field): Cole has been a fixture for the Brits over the last decade at left defender. What makes him World Class is that he’s probably the best wing-back in the world in terms of getting up and helping in the offensive attack–an invaluable skill.

There are two key ways to attack Cole. First, use the counter attack. As I mentioned, he loves to flirt up and get involved in the offense. You can have success if you strike quickly after breaking up Britain’s attack. The other way to attack him is with power. Cole is quick and pretty strong on the ball, but he’s not the biggest guy at 5-feet-7. Dempsey would do well to use his size advantage to power past Cole. Also, you can always just ask him for Cheryl Cole’s phone number. I guess that’s three ways to attack him.

Wikipedia fact: Ashley Cole is a distant cousin of American singer Mariah Carey. That explains where Ashley got his girl name from. It runs in the family.

Thumbnail image courtesy of thespoiler.co.uk, a great soccer gossip site (similar to the States’ Deadspin and The Big Lead). I couldn’t recommend it enough to you.

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