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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Power Rankings of Browns Head Coaches

The Browns have fired another head coach which is seeming to become an annual tradition. Right around the time of year you start to box up your Christmas decorations is about the time the Browns head coach is boxing up his office.

Remember that football jersey the Browns used to update with the names of their starting quarterbacks? Well, now they need something like that for their head coaches, apparently. (Maybe have something like a Motorola headset or sweater vest with names stitched into it. I don’t know what. All I know is they need something, because the Browns haven’t had a head coach last more than 40 games (or 2.5 seasons) since Cleveland Brown Jr., aka Romeo Crennel in 2009. That was SIX head coaches ago.

Now that the Browns are looking for their next head coach to fire, you’re probably wondering, “What do they even look for in a head coach?” Not saying the bar is pretty low, but anyone with experience in head coaching, coordinating, Secretary of State-ing, or anyone who actually ever played that EA Sports Head Coach video game is more than experienced for this job.

When I say the word “job,” you should know that it’s a temp job, and that whomever is hired will probably be back looking for a job in 12 to 24 months.

In this day and age of power ranking everything, I decided to power rank the Browns head coaches. Essentially, who is the best of the worst?

It should be noted that this list only consists of head coaches from the second installment of the Cleveland Browns franchise (from 1999 to the present), since the previous Cleveland Browns franchise moved to Baltimore to have a ton of success. This list also does not include interim head coaches. Look, we don’t have all day, alright?

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12. Chris Palmer

Does anyone actually remember Chris Palmer as head coach of the Cleveland Browns? Yeah, we all remember that he was there and he held that title, but can you remember anything from his tenure? The guy only won 5 games in two years. You’d think we’d be able to remember at least one of them.

He even looks like the generic coach you start off with in franchise mode on Madden.

11. Rob Chudzniski

Some coaches have that X-factor that helps make their team successful. Rob has what I like to call that XFL-factor. Because he only lasted one season.

You may have thought Freddie Kitchens cornered the market of being fired after only one season. Nope. Not at the Factory of Sadness. They’ve canned a new hire after 16 games twice since 1999.

That has to be an absolute nightmare for the Browns HR department. As soon as they finish the new hire on-boarding, they then have to deal with everything that comes with the firing.

I will say you have to cut Rob some slack, though. He came in during the era where the Browns were really trying to make Brandon Weeden work. That was a weird time.

10. A Coach To Be Named Later

This slot is reserved for whomever the Browns hire next.

Who will it be? I can take a guess. Some guy named Brent or Dave. He’ll be a coordinator or position coach from the Vikings or something. He won’t have any head coaching experience, but the Browns front office will assure you he’s a rising star in this league.

Does any of it matter? No. He’ll coach for 32 to 36 games and fail to make the playoffs once before being fired. There’s a reason it’s called the Factory of Sadness and not the Factory of Wins or the Factory of Good Football.

9. Pat Shurmur

Hard to remember Pat Shurmur sucking in Cleveland while you still have the taste of Pat Shurmur sucking in New York still stuck in your mouth. But I assure you, he wasn’t a good coach with the Browns either. Not that anyone is. He only lasted two seasons and went 9-23.

Ironically enough, Pat Shurmur was fired by the Giants after going 9-23. Meaning, September 23rd is officially Pat Shurmer Day.

That’s why he’s ranked ninth. For the number of wins he gets at each job.

8. Eric Mangini

Eric is one of only four men on this list who accomplished double digit wins during his tenure. Only problem is it took him three seasons to do so.

Eric came to the Browns after being fired from the New York Jets, thus making him the epitome of the hot-shot New Yorker coming into a blue collar town like Cleveland and not being able to cut it. He’s also the epitome of any NFL coach coming into Cleveland and not being able to cut it.

7. Vince Penn

I can’t remember if Vince Penn was a new hire or not, but if he wasn’t, then he clearly wasn’t that good of a head coach if he set the Browns and GM Kevin Costner up with the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. Even if he is new, though, it’s not like it made a difference, because he came from Dallas. So how good could he really be, amirite?!

Forgive him for not wanting his GM to draft another quarterback like Callahan, but he’s seen the infamous Browns jersey. He knows the Browns is where young quarterbacks go to die. So he was pining for the safer pick in linebacker Vontaze Mack.

Plus, he gets bonus points for teaching Smalls how to play catch.

6. Mike Pettine

I was never really a big fan of Mike Pettine. He always looked like more of a UFC commentator to me. He was one of those hires where at the introductory press conference you knew he was going to be gone about 24 months later. Although, he was cursed with having to deal with the Johnny Manziel era after a homeless man urged Jimmy Haslam to draft him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQiPB307QLI&feature=emb_title

Pettine also had to endure Brian Hoyer (bald), Connor Shaw (also bald), Josh McCown, and Austin Davis. That’s like trying to play poker with a hand full of UNO cards.

At least he made it to double-digit wins (10), though.

5. Butch Davis

You could argue that Butch Davis should be hire on this list considering the fact he’s the only head coach in (new) Cleveland Browns history who coached in a playoff game: a 36-33 loss to the Steelers. That playoff berth came in only his 2nd season too. I mean, former Browns defensive coordinator Nick Saban didn’t make the playoffs until his EIGHTH season at Alabama. Makes ya think, doesn’t it?

4. Romeo Crennel

Romeo Crennel’s tenure as the Browns head coach was so funny, I wouldn’t be shocked if the whole things wasn’t just Eddie Murphy in a fat suit.

He lasted more games as the Browns head coach (64), than any other person on this list, which means he also saw the most quarterbacks out of anyone on this list. Think about this. Romeo was able to stay employed for 64 games with a revolving door under center of guys like Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey (!), and Bruce Gradkowski.

Plus, Romeo Crennel coached at a time when Eddie Murphy in a fat suit was still somehow a thing. See: Norbit.

3. The Rumor of Condoleeza Rice

Remember the Schefter tweet that sparked it all?

Why would a former Secretary of State be qualified to coach the Browns? Well, it’s not like hiring NFL coaches was working. So why not? Hell, the Browns should check in on Janet Reno too. I know she passed in 2016, but it’s still worth a call.

Unfortunately, Browns head coach Condoleeza Rice never actually happened, hence why it’s only a rumor. However, that rumor still remains the third best head coach the Browns have ever had.

2. Freddie Kitchens

Freddie Kitchens is like Val Kilmer as Batman. Yes it was really bad, but it was short lived. We could’ve had so much more fun with it.

1. Hue Jackson

Do me a favor and count to three.

You just tallied the number of wins Hue Jackson accumulated in two-and-a-half seasons. Think about that. He coached 40 games and won 3 of them. I’m pretty sure you could wheel anyone with a pulse on to an NFL sideline and they could win more than 3 out of 40 games. Hell, most people without a pulse probably could too.

Browns fans may call it detestable. I call it respectable.

A lot of people say the 1972 Dolphins were the only perfect team in NFL history. To me, the 2017 Browns who finished 0-16 were perfect. Yes, the Lions accomplished the feat first in 2008, but it was the Browns who perfected the art. Plus, first is the worst, second is the best.

If you go undefeated, you’re obviously the #1 team in the NFL. If you go winless, you’re also the #1 team in the NFL… Draft.

Hue Jackson did what no other Browns coach was able to accomplish: finish with no wins in a season, and n this day and age of tanking, really, that’s as good at being bad as you can be. He assured the Browns the #1 overall pick in the draft, and with that pick, they never would’ve been able to draft their fiery, undersized Progressive spokesman, Baker Mayfield.

So, you’re welcome, Browns fans.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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