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Korked Bats

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Post-Prison Donte Stallworth Signed by Cowboys

Just mere hours after finding out that Cleveland Browns wide receiver, Donte Stallworth, would be charged with DUI Manslaughter for an accident that killed 59-year old Mario Reyes, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones released the following statement:


The Cowboys, notorious for their acceptance of players with questionable or criminal backgrounds, such as Tank Johnson, Quincy Carter, and Adam “Pac-Man” Jones, have showed immediate interest in signing Stallworth once he is released from prison, which could be as far away as 2025.

“We are prepared to offer the Browns a lucrative deal for the rights to Stallworth,” Jones said in a private press conference held from atop his golden lion statue on Wednesday, “we feel as though his character would fit in well with our ideals here in Dallas in 2025.”

Jones continued with his press conference, saying that he is ready to offer Stallworth, who is months from his court date, let alone a sentence, a 7 year/$55 million contract after his pending, future release from prison.

Stallworth, who, if convicted, could serve up to 15 years in maximum security prison, commented on the situation: “Oh, I’ll be ready to play (hiccup) play when I get out. Donte don’t come cheap.”

The Browns could not be reached for comment.


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


One thought on “Post-Prison Donte Stallworth Signed by Cowboys

  • Avatar
    April 3, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    jerry jones needs to sell the dallas cowboys and create the expansion team the california convicts. just think about the possibilities. they can play their home games on alcatraz island. when the game is over they can head back to their cell.

    but seriously, i wish jerry would stop being an idiot and maybe, i dunno, learn from his past. how does such an idiot become as wealthy as him?


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