Sunday, October 1, 2023

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

People I Saw At The Gym

Before we begin, I fully realize that talking about your gym experience is in the same realm of telling other people about the dream you had last night. It’s the fastest way for a conversation to fall flaccid. However, you’re the one who clicked on this link, so clearly you’re somewhat curious.

Also, I should probably note that this post is primarily just to brag that I went to the gym today.

Picabo Street

Oh my gosh! Famed Olympic gold medalist Alpine skier Picabo Street? Insane! Haven’t seen her in ages. At least not since Nagano in ’98. What was she doing at my local gym? Not sure, because it technically wasn’t her. BUT… it was a girl who looked a lot like her! So, that’s gotta count for something, right? Although, she was walking on the treadmill on a decline, so maybe it was her?

Man In A Collared Shirt

I’m not sure if this was this guy’s first time at the gym or not, but it definitely was. The man was using most of the equipment backwards, taking a wandering lap around the gym between each workout, and oh yeah, was clothed as if he was ready to play 18. To his credit, it was a dry-fit polo, so it was very breathable. I just don’t think you should go to the gym dressed like a 7th grader at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

An Old Man Complaining About Movies

One old man was on the elliptical complaining to the man next to him saying, “All movies today are so bad.” I’m sure this was quickly followed by a diatribe about the elitism of Hollywood or some crap like that. I honestly couldn’t tell you because my eyes rolled so far back into my head they bumped into my eardrum.

Anthony Rizzo

It was not actually Anthony Rizzo, but he looked like he was storing a winter’s worth of nuts in his cheeks, so he clearly looked a lot like Anthony Rizzo.

A Fat Guy Wearing A Shirt That Read “Built Not Born”

This guy was probably 6-foot-4, a solid 300 pounds, minimum. Pretty sure that t-shirt goes without saying. Unless his mom has a womb the size of a Volkswagen Pasat, I’m pretty sure we can all make the assumption that his body was built, not born.

A Guy Wearing A “Jesuits vs. Cancer” Shirt

I’ll be honest. I had no idea a game between the Jesuits and Cancer ever went down. Why is this the first I’m hearing about it? Why wasn’t a bigger deal made out of it? It feels like people made a bigger deal out of Catholics vs. Convicts than they did Jesuits vs. Cancer. They certainly sold more t-shirts. I can’t imagine many people were cheering for cancer in this game. I mean, in the list of my least favorite teams, it goes:

  1. Cancer
  2. Isis
  3. New England Patriots

Next time the Jesuits (or anyone for that matter) play Cancer, can somebody let me know so I can, at very least, set my DVR? Go Jesuits! Beat Cancer!


My gym has a locker room with showers (not to brag), so each time I go (which is a lot), I will always unintentionally catch a glimpse of a dong out in the open. So as this series of posts continue, I’ll keep a running Dong Count tally. Unfortunately, this past trip to the gym was a bad one. Lotta dongs.

Dong Count: 3


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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