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Saturday, May 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

PED Distributors Report To Spring Training

PED DistributorARIZONA/FLORIDA – As the temperature rises, baseball season begins to take full swing. Teams are well under way in spring training drills and exhibition games, and as of Sunday morning, all PED distributors have reported to camp as well.

PED distributors were greeted with smiles, hugs, and even a few secret handshakes. Many players admitted that it doesn’t quite feel like baseball season until you get that first shot in the butt.

Due to the work load it takes to prepare for a seasons, usually pitchers and catchers report to spring training first, followed position players, and then it rounds out with the PED distributors.

“We usually give them a few weeks of regular spring training before we show up, that way they can see how much they suck without PED’s,” MLB’s leading PED Distributor Shady Rivers said. “Plus, we really needed a few extra weeks off after football season. LaRon Landry kept us pretty busy this year.”

The biggest question every year is what PED distributors will make the active rosters. After last year, some household names in the world of PED distributors may not make a roster this season. ”I’m really going to have to fight for a job this season. Especially after my past couple seasons,” PED Distributor Ethan Swells said. Swells was the PED Distributor for Alex Rodriguez last season and Ryan Braun two seasons ago. “These clubs want steroids that won’t show up in a drug test. After two bad years, I need to really prove myself.”

Despite his screw-ups over the past two seasons, many scouts call Swells a “five-tool player,” because he has five different tools to extract steroids out of a player’s piss. “If one doesn’t work, he just moves on to the next one,” PED distributor scout Phil “Tiny” Testie said. “It’s really something. Teams are just going to have to look past his recent struggles because the talent is still there.”

However, not everyone is always thrilled for the arrival of the PED distributors. “Frankly, I hate it when those guys show up,” said an anonymous MLB equipment manager.

Equipment managers are forced to resize players’ hats and jerseys after a few weeks after PED distributors arrive each spring. “Plus, we get a lot of broken equipment all around the clubhouse. ‘Roid rage will cause them to flip out over the smallest things and break stuff,” the anonymous equipment manager said. ”They just make our jobs harder by making our to do list larger.”

“But that’s what we do. We make everything larger,” Shady Rivers said in response to the anonymous equipment manager’s claim.

“Well, almost everything,” Rivers continued, while adjusting his crotch.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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