Friday, April 19, 2024

Other Criminals Requesting Mayweather-esque Jail Term Pushback

January 11, 2012 Kyle

A few days ago, boxing loudmouth Floyd Mayweather Jr. was given permission by a court to push the start of his jail sentence back to early June, to allow for a May 5th (Cinco de Mayo! Wooooo!) fight against an unnamed opponent, who Mayweather (as force fed through his Twitter account) claims he hopes is Manny Pacquiao.

Mayweather, who is going to prison for domestic violence – a charge he shrugs off as “working from home” – has triggered an uprising of requests for delayed sentencing. Future inmates believe that if Mayweather is allowed to push back his sentence to punch a guy in the face for money, they should be granted the same privilege.

Allen Konter, a drug dealer who has a 23-month prison sentence starting February 3rd, is now appealing his date, hoping to push it back to March 15th, so he can “eat some chips and stuff. I’m really going to miss kettle chips in prison. It’s not like I’m trying to appeal so I can get in a fight or anything. Just let me do it.”

But the attempts to stall prison sentences does not stop with Konter.

Eliza Pollard, who is going to prison for life for murdering three of her four ex-husbands, has appealed her prison sentence which is set to start tomorrow.

“There’s one more I need to get,” Pollard said, in reference to her ex-husband James, who isn’t dead yet, “Just push the date back a week, a few days. I know where he’s staying. I promise after I kill this guy you can toss me in.”

Appeals courts from Seattle to Miami are claiming they have had multiple requests for jail time to be pushed back, with the number of applicants reaching into the thousands.

Samantha Monaco, an appeals court judge in Des Moines, Iowa, claims that an overwhelming majority of applications have hoped to push their prison sentence back to July 21st, with all of the applications mentioning the release date of The Dark Knight Rises as a motivation for avoiding prison.

“That movie looks dope,” said every single applicant.

• • •

This post was created by Kyle. You can follow his jokes on Twitter: @kyleayers

Also, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our sports jokes on Twitter: @korkedbats

Kyle

Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.