Nutrasys-dumbs: A Daily, Athlete-Endorsed Diet

Let’s all admit one thing straight up: If Michael Jordan asked ANY of us to do ANYTHING, we would, hands down, no questions asked. The man is like a black Obama. Michael Jordan is the epitome of athletics, marketing, business, and a lack of bat-to-ball ability. The man endorsed entire meals at a time. I once ate Wheaties dowsed in Gatorade with cut-up Ball Park Franks on the top, all the while washing it down with a nice Coca-Cola I bought from McDonald’s. If that Jordan-endorsed meal doesn’t scream athleticism, then I just don’t know what does.

Athletes endorsed food products before Jordan, and they have continued to endorse it since. This got me thinking. Could I go about my day eating purely athlete-endorsed foods? Let us see. I have prepared a meal for the day, and it wasn’t from Nutrasystems. That would be a cop out.


Wheaties. This one is obvious. But not just any Wheaties: these wheaties.

Top the whole thing off with some milk and I’m ready to go for the day.

This breakfast… it’s making me… feel… stronger. So much stronger. This is going to be a good day.

Also, if you’re out of Wheaties, but still want a killer, athletic breakfast, check out these. They’re enriched!

Pre-Lunch Snack:

If you need that little boost to keep you going through the day, try grabbing one of these chosen snacks:

Crunch Bar or Snickers

Or if you really need some more energy, you can grab a Fred Smoot’s Smack Energy Bar. This is real. I promise. Now it’s on to lunch. These go best with a side of sex-boat scandal.


Here you have a couple of options. I suggest the Bo Jackson’s Soon-to-be Famous BO Burger.

But if you’re looking for more flavor, you can always get some of Boomer’s Ribs.

Wash this all down with a nice Sprite. WAIT. Let’s take a moment to talk about this particular endorsement. Kobe Bryant is so freaking awesome (Jared will agree) that he made Sprite, a soda pop, seem like a sports drink. That’s superhuman right there. But then again, if I could somehow achieve this raping, I’d drink Sprite, too. This very well may be the most effective non-MJ endorsement of all time.

Pre-Dinner Snack:

I understand the Burger or Ribs may have made you drowsy, so just take one of these Pete Rose SuperCharg’r Energy Bars and get back into the game.


For dinner there is only one choice that will satisfy. Tony Siragusa’s Goose’s Barbeque. You can even preorder meat online at gooseribs.com. You’re only a few of the Goose’s dinners away from being an incoherent, washed up sideline reporter. Good luck!

Well mmm mmm mmm that’s a good days eatin’. If you go out later to a movie or something, don’t forget to bring along some of Isiah Thomas’ Dale and Thomas Popcorn. So good, after you’re done being a player, you’ll come back for seconds as a coach (though it may taste much, much worse now).


For those of you who get the late night “muchies” for whatever reason, see if you can ride along with fellow Muchie-enthusiast Michael Phelps. 24-Hour Drive Thru!

This is only a start, however, on what could be a long road of athlete-driven, off-beat, poorly-guided commercial –whore consumerism, so don’t let me stop you! Live like a pro athlete, vicariously through your favorite candy bar.


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


One thought on “Nutrasys-dumbs: A Daily, Athlete-Endorsed Diet

  • Avatar
    April 3, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Hilarity at its finest.


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